Dear Aunt Anne,

It's 1:22 in the morning and the only person I can think about is you. I had a moment, about 20 minutes ago, as I was going back to bed after letting the dog out where a memory popped in my head. It was a rather good memory, one of you. But it made the tears start flowing and they just wouldn't stop until I got my thoughts down.

When I was younger, I remember you made me some stationary. It stated something along the lines of "from the desk of Amelia Moore" or "With love from Amelia" or something like that. And on the top you had taken that picture of my mother, brother and I from Paula's wedding and just cropped it of me. You made me like 10 sheets but I thought they were made out of gold and I remember I used to write little notes on them to people and when I got down to the last sheet, I saved it forever until I found someone special.

I can't remember who I wrote to back then. Probably family members and friends who have long thrown those letters in the garbage. But I can remember that paper and how today I love my stationary and how I write people all over the world.

The day I found out you had passed was a normal Wednesday. I was sitting at work doing my normal things when Aunt Jane popped up on my phone. She didn't even have to say your name before I knew what she was calling about. And I cried, much like I am now, for the times I missed because of my stupid pride. Missed opportunities that I would never get back.

We both are/were stubborn women and I know that throughout the years, you loved me just the same, even when we had our disagreements. Heck, there are things on this very blog that you both loved to hear and also hated to hear. And I know that. It has always been easier for me to communicate by written word; a fatal flaw of sorts.

I hope you know that I loved you too. I have said many hateful words in the past. I have disagreed with things that happened and were said, but I still love and appreciate everything you did or tried to do for me. Even those things I had no idea about until long after the fact.

And I am sorry that Kevin and I couldn't have gotten married last fall. I will always remember the one comment to me when you said "Why can't you do it this year?" and I said something along the lines that we didn't have the money. You and I both know that I could have thrown everything I had and was given in my 25th year towards a beautiful wedding, but you and I also both know that isn't what my mother would have wanted. We are putting it where it rightfully should go, into a house that is ours for our future.

I guess I will leave this here. It is funny how grief gets you. I cried when I found out you had died and hell, I cried pretty hard when we said goodbye as a family. But then I went back to my life. I tried to show some support to your kids whose shoes I had been in 12 years before, but I went back to everything I had built after the funeral home.

Until February 16th at 1am when your memory reminded me that I won't be able to see you at my wedding this September and that you are no longer with us. Even if I don't show it, I remember. And it still hurts.

I love you Aunt Anne. Just as much as I loved you when you gave me that stationary and as much as I didn't want to admit I did when we had our differences.

Love your niece,

Amelia

The Last Conversation I Had With My Father

It was a cold December day in 2004 when I lost my mother. New Year's Eve to be exact. I had been out shopping with my Aunt Debbie when she got the call that my mother had died. She waited until we got home to tell me, before we went inside, that my mother was gone.

3 days later, on cold January 3rd, we buried my mother next to her parents in a funeral that I only remember some of as I was still in shock.

The last time I spoke with my father was 11 months later. One night in November 2005, I was downstairs playing video games with my cousin Mary. Uncle Dave yelled down the stairs that my father was on the phone and to grab the cordless down there.

A lot of emotion came up. Why hadn't he called before? Why didn't he contact us when our mother had died? Was he even aware before today that mom had died? I felt angry and disappointed in the person that I called my father.

And the conversation was just as awkward. 

"Hey Amelia..." He said. "How are you?"

"I'm good."

"How have things been?"

"They've been good, just going to school. I'm in the band at school and I love it."

"That's great."

"How have you been?"

"Oh,  I'm good. How's the weather up there?"

"Cold and snowy just like a normal Michigan winter."

"Ah, I miss it up there sometimes."

*long pause*

"Well I'm gonna let you go. I just wanted to check in on you."

"Thanks for calling."

"Love you, bye."

*click*

Little did I know that that 10 minute conversation would be the last time I would hear his voice other than in my head when I thought about him. Four years later, in March is 2009, he would pass away from a mixture of diseases that included cancer and organ failure. I would later learn of his passing in March of 2011 and realize that both my parents were gone.

Though my father never was around much, I still mourn the losses of what could have been. My father was a smart man and I'm sure he would have been proud, as my mother would have been, to see me graduate with a college degree in my hands. I'll never have a father walk me down the aisle and I'll never have a father/daughter dance at my wedding.

Sometimes we take for granted the things we have. Sometimes we don't realize the pain that our fellow man is going through. Sometimes we feel emotions towards another that we do not mean because we don't know the whole story at the time.

I thought of my father as a bad man for many years. I was angry and didn't understand what happened on the day in 1994 when he basically sent himself to prison for many years. I was 4 at the time and never really remembered who my father was before that happened. The times I saw him after were always so awkward, mostly because I didn't know how to act in the situation. 

I have come to learn that my father was a lovely man. Smart, funny, a joy to be around. He was also a man who lost likely fell into a deep depression after losing his job and never got the help he needed.

But my father was my father. Without him I wouldn't be here. I'm just so sorry that I didn't get to know him better before his death. 

6 Years...

Six years. It doesn't seem that long since the moment you left me here on this Earth. I was talking to Tanisha the other day and I realized that it had been six years and I couldn't believe it.

There are moments when it seems like such a long time ago, but then there are other times that it feels as if it was yesterday.

A loss of a friend is one kind of pain. The loss of a distant relative is a different kind of pain. But it's the loss of a mother that leaves one with a kind of pain that may feel better at one time, but then sear the next. It's a pain that never seems to go away, it just isn't as bad at some times than it is at others.

And I really felt it this Christmas. This was the first Christmas that I didn't get to spend with my brother and it just felt so weird. Everything about this Christmas felt so wrong for once.

I started out at Molly's house. I started out there, in their humble home where they showed me so much love that morning. But it wasn't until my drive up to Mary's Grandma and Grandpa's house, that I felt the pain that hadn't been there for some Christmases. I was listening to 103.1 FM, our local oldies station because I couldn't stand (and haven't been able to for awhile) the Christmas music that was playing on every other station. I get half way to my destination and "Free Bird" came on the radio, and for the first time in a while, I realized how much I missed my mother. And I shed a few tears. I felt that pain that was there. I let those tears fall down my cheeks slowly and I just listened.

It was that moment that I was reminded that my mother was with me every step of the way.


And it was a rather somber Christmas. Grandma's Alzheimer's is so bad that she hardly even knows her own name and grandpa is not doing well either. I could tell that there aren't going to be many Christmases with either of them, if there are any more. That makes me sad.


So mom, as you reminded me on Christmas Day, thank you for everything you still do for me. Thank you for giving me everything you did when you were alive. Thank you for help shaping me into the person I want to be.


Six years...


And there will be many more. Many, many more. And there will be more events in my life that you won't be here in Earth to share with me. But I know you will always be there with me.


I wrote this before this time so I could have it published at the time you passed away. I hope that you feel my love because I do love you a lot. I miss you and I always will, but you will always be my momma, nothing will ever change that.


Lots of love...


Amelia

In Loving Memory of Catherine Lee Moore (Proulx)

2/27/57-12/31/04

This Christmas

This Christmas was an interesting one for sure.


Started off on Christmas Eve when I went off to Molly's house. It was quite a lot of fun actually. We woke up Friday morning, went out to Past Tense and I got some yummy hot caramel apple cider (thanks Boesler)! Then off to Uncle Dennis' for their Christmas party (mmm ham!)


Then we went over to Ken and Mo's that night where I got to see a lot of the Smith's and had a good time. (I definelty learned a lot more about dog breeding than I ever wanted to know, but if you need any info, I'm YOUR girl :D )


Then Christmas morning came. Aunt Sue gave me pickles...and LOTS of them. I know, it seems a little weird but I LOVE pickles so I loved it. 


Then I was off to Christmas with Uncle Dave and Aunt Deb. This year, they had the celebration at Aunt Debbie's parent's house, who I call Grandpa and Grandma because of the fact that I lived with Uncle Dave and Aunt Deb for 4 years and they were like my grandparents. But, now that I had been away so much, I didn't know how bad things got. Grandma's Alzheimer's was getting really bad. She hardly knew her whole name, and family members took turns feeding her. And Grandpa wasn't doing well either. It's really sad when grandparents start declining with age. Though it was rather somber, we still had some funny moments. (like when we told grandma "You're beautiful!" And she looked right at us and said "I know!")


After dinner I went down to Todd and Michelle's house. I got there late enough that almost everyone was gone except for Todd, Michelle, the kids and Aunt Linda. We visited some and then almost everyone went their separate ways to bed. Though I did get to watch Vampire's Suck, which was funny but just ok.


This morning I was off and running. Off to Katrina's house where we took an expedition that landed up at Logan's Steakhouse in Madison Heights and then we visited her grandpa's grave before going to Starbucks. Then we went back to her house and then off to a party at Uncle Dave's house. There we played some Euchre and some dance game on the Xbox (which was awesome, I SO want the Xbox with Kinect!)


Then I went home and it's nice to be home. I put the Christmas tree away and got some stuff cleaned up.


All-in-all it was a pretty good Christmas. I'm glad to be home and in my own bed for the first time in several nights.


I hope your Christmas went well also :)


I've had this song stuck in my head since Katrina and I watched it earlier LMFAO!!! 

Christmas Lights

I am in the Christmas kind of mood. But at the same time, there are many different emotions that come into play at this time of year for me. For one, December is the month that many of my family members have died. Christmas is a time for family, and without a mother or a father, it can be hard for me. So today, there is this song that Coldplay released this year and I love it. It's not the same kind of pain, but it still shows so much pain but also triumph this Christmas.


Christmas Lights-Coldplay


Christmas night, another fight
Tears we cried a flood
Got all kinds of poison in
Poison in my blood

I took my feet
To Oxford Street
Trying to right a wrong
Just walk away 
Those windows say
But I can't believe she's gone

When you're still waiting for the snow to fall
Doesn't really feel like Christmas at all

Up above candles on air flicker
Oh they flicker and they float
But I'm up here holding on
To all those chandeliers of hope

Like some drunken Elvis singing
I go singing out of tune
Saying how I always loved you darling
And I always will

Oh when you're still waiting for the snow to fall
Doesn't really feel like Christmas at all

Still waiting for the snow to fall
It doesn't really feel like Christmas at all

Those Christmas lights
Light up the street
Down where the sea and city meet
May all your troubles soon be gone
Oh Christmas lights keep shining on

Those Christmas lights
Light up the street
Maybe they'll bring her back to me
Then all my troubles will be gone
Oh Christmas lights keep shining on

Oh Christmas lights
Light up the street
Light up the fireworks in me
May all your troubles soon be gone
Those Christmas lights keep shining on


Because no matter how much we are going through this holiday season, those Christmas lights will keep on shining all night long. They will keep on shining to show us that the love that comes with the season is still shining on, no matter how much we are going through. I have spent a few days with this song on a loop, I love it. 


Music has always been something that I can get lost in, that I can find a home in when I'm feeling alone. Music is also something that helps give me memories. I will share some of these memories someday on here...I promise! Music also expresses so much more than the words that are written as the lyrics. I thank God everyday for the gift of music.


So enjoy this beautiful song. Below is the link to the music video :)




Christmas Lights- Coldplay