My List of Buckets...Oh Wait...My Bucket List!

Bucket Lists are not a foreign concept. I know there are many people who have them, and I have had one for years. For the most part, I started making my bucket list in high school as part of an assignment for an English class I was in. At the time, I never knew how much it would expand, and the things that I would do in the next couple years.


In 2009, I wrote more out. I made a much larger list. Then I "lost" it. But I lived that year (with the help of my then fiancee) and experienced a lot of things in one summer that I didn't think I would ever experience. So in 2010, I wrote another one, a smaller one because I couldn't remember where my other one had gone. 


Then the other day, I was looking in some of my boxes of stuff that I have in storage, and found the journal I wrote it all down in, in 2009. So I put the new and old together to compile my long, but awesome bucket list. I went through and crossed out the things I've accomplished with dates as much as I could remember them. Each crossing out has a story, a memory, something I won't forget. So far, each piece I've crossed out has been a learning experience and has had an impact on the life that I lead everyday.


So if you'd like, here it is, my bucket list in it's entirety. Mainly for me to not lose it again...but also for those who feel the need to help me achieve any one of these things or want to join me on the journey. I CAN say that #5 is in the plans for this summer, it's going to be epic.

1. Go to Paris 
(6/30/2009-7/8/09)

2. Climb a mountain

3. See something truly beautiful

4. Help someone in a great way

5. See the sunrise and sunset on the same day on different sides of the state

6. Get engaged
 (6/25/2009)

7. Feel true forgiveness
 (12/22/2009)

8. Witness a miracle

9. Visit Westminster Abbey

10. Study abroad

11. Get a tattoo
 (2/28/10)

12. Live in a dorm
(move in: 9/1/2010)

13. Graduate college

14. Make my mom proud

15. Dance in the rain
(9/23/2010)

16. Kiss in the rain
(6/26/2009)

17. Go skydiving
 (6/4/2009)

18. Have a child

19. Get married

20. See the pyramids of Egypt

21. Feel beautiful
 (3/1/11; Lady Gaga concert)

22. Beat the odds
 (I do this all the time.)

23. Live to be 30

24. Buy a house

25. Go to church regularly

26. Make a meal for a lot of people
 (TFC, summer 2011)

27. Shake the hand of a celebrity
 (4/3/10; Chris Daughtry)

28. Meet a celebrity
 (4/3/10; Chris Daughtry)

29. Be in a movie

30. Buy a brand new car

31. Have a daughter

32. Have a son

33. Make a difference in someone’s life
 (there are many)

34. Learn Japanese

35. Sing a song in public
 (10/4/10; Karaoke bar!)

36. Jump on a pogo stick

37. Roller blade

38. Learn to ride a bike

39. Speak publicly
 (9/24/09; Jerry Hosterman’s classes)

40. Live to see a cure for cancer

41. Start a career

42. Grant a wish for someone

43. Read a book in one day
 (Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows 7/2008)

44. Try every fruit in the world

45. Write a newspaper article

46. Play clarinet in public as a soloist
 (3/8/11)

47. Learn how to correctly play piano

48. Save someone’s life

49. Change someone’s outlook on life
 (9/24/2009)

50. Watch all 8 Harry Potter movies in a row

51. Learn to play cello

52. See American Idiot the Musical
(1/19/2012; Detroit Opera House)

53. Go to Rome

54. Experience “paradise”

55. Meet Lance Armstrong

56. Take a spontaneous adventure

57. Have a real conversation with Uncle Dave

58. Change an opinion

59. Witness a legal gay marriage

60. Go bungee jumping

61. Write a book

62. Publish that book!

63. Set myself free

64. Stay up all night looking at the stars

65. Forgive those who have hurt me

66. Apologize!

67. See Wicked!

68. Laugh a lot

69. Go to Grad school

70. Graduate grad school

71. Become a “Dr.”

72. Help others

73. Make myself proud

74. Change a life

75. See Coldplay in concert
 (6/2/09; DTE Music Theater)

76. Let go of the past…truly

77. See Rent! live

78. Go to New York City

79. Visit the WTC Memorial

80. Celebrate New Year’s Eve in a different state (or country!)

81. Meet new people

82. See Josh Groban in concert

83. Be happy

84. Drive a sports car

85. Plant a garden

86. Be in a relationship for at least a year

87. Meet someone very different from me and learn from them

88. Have a night without worries

89. Be part of a popular Youtube video

90. Tell all my friends how thankful I am for all of them and have them truly believe

91. Go to Mexico

92. Go on a cruise

93. Take a trip and not worry about money

94. See Panic! at the Disco in concert

95. Go to India

96. Drive a boat

97. Climb a tree

98. Go snorkeling

99. Learn German

100. Go to Mardis Gras

101. Make 1000 paper cranes

102. Ride in a hot air balloon

103. Have a surprise party thrown for me

104. Have a fall wedding

105. Pay a stranger’s tab at a restaurant/bar

106. Catch a bride’s bouquet
 (2/14/2009; Kari’s wedding)

107. Read every novel written by Nicholas Sparks

108. Steal a street sign

109. Order dessert first at a restaurant

110. Perform as a member of an orchestra

111. Spend the night in a haunted house

Music:

1. The One That Got Away- Katy Perry

2. Give Me Novocaine- Green Day
3. Let Me Be Myself- 3 Doors Down
4. Kings and Queens- 30 Seconds to Mars
5. Someone Like You- Adele
6. Bully- Three Days Grace
7. Drown In You- Daughtry
8. What It's Like- Everclear
9. The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face- Glee
10. Never Too Late- Three Days Grace

Thankfulness

Being thankful is not just something that should come around Thanksgiving, it is something that one should practice on a daily basis. For some, it's harder for them to find what they are thankful for, even if some of the things are staring them in the face.

But, I am not one of those people. I am more thankful than many for the wonderful things in my life. See, sometimes it takes some struggle to see all the amazing things in your life. Yes, my life has not been easy. I have lost many people that were a big part of my life and I am still grieving to this day, maybe not in a way that I used to but their loss still lies heavily on my mind. I have had to fought for everything I currently have in my life, including my own life at times. It has been a struggle that I would do all over again if I had the chance.

See those troubles made me the person I am right now. It brought the light, the happiness, the optimism into my life. When I lost my mother, I had to learn how to deal with change, how to make it through life. When I lost Sam, I learned that I could be loved, that everyday is precious, that every moment is a gift, and that every happy moment does at one point end. So, today I am thankful, like I am everyday. I am sharing this with you, so that maybe you can see what you have and be thankful for it as well.

I am thankful for the love of my life. When I lost Sam, I didn't think I would ever find someone who would love me for me. I have a horrible self-esteem. It's much better than it was in high school, but it's still pretty low. I didn't think I was desirable, I didn't think anyone else would want to love me and I thought my lot in life was to be alone. I'm not kidding you, I thought that. But Kevin was just always there. For those who don't already know, Kevin and I met about a month after Sam passed away. We had a class together and were assigned a project where the teacher assigned the groups, being right after me on the roster, Kevin was put into my group. Kevin and I just gained a friendship that I don't even know how it happened. It just did. Throughout the past 2 years, Kevin has been there, he knows my whole life, he has helped me the best he could and he kept me going on days where I just didn't want to at all. It was only a matter of time that we would get together, and taking the next step hasn't just been amazing, but has changed my whole world. Once again I feel loved. Once again I feel as if maybe, just maybe, I'm desirable. Kevin keeps me level headed, but also up in the clouds. He calms me on days where I am anxious and angry. He peps me up on days where I am feeling under the weather. He keeps me going. He makes me feel safe. But at the same time, he makes me feel as if I can do anything. He's a keeper I say. Sometimes I feel as if fate is such a devious person, which is why Kevin came into my life when he did, when I was hurting so so bad, and became my friend, lifted me up and finally became my boyfriend. We always ask why it took 2 years, and we always come to the conclusion that neither of us were ready for it to be more than a friendship, no matter what kind of signals we were giving or not. But in December, we were finally ready, and I haven't been happier.

I am thankful for my friends. Sometimes you find people in your life who aren't healthy for you. Over the past year, I have been slowly weeding out the people in my life who try to take my happiness and make it worthless. The ones who make it seem as if I am doing the wrong thing with my life. I have slowly taken them out of my life. I now have a wonderful army of people in my life, new and old, that I call my friends. These people want the best for me, they listen to my rants, they go out and dance their asses off with me, they make me smile, they make me laugh and they are just some of the best people in my life. These people are my friends because they want to be, and I want them to be here. They make as much effort as I do in our relationship. The "leaches" are gone for the most part. They are not going to ruin what I have anymore, it's not worth it.

I am thankful for my family. They may not be perfect, they may have made some choices that just aren't okay, but they are still and will always be my family. I may not be as close to them as most people are with their family, but somewhere deep down, I feel as if I have somehow made them proud and that they love me. We may not show it, it may be hidden, but they will always be there. I am thankful for that.

I am thankful for my life. I am thankful for waking up in the morning and to be given another day. We all have bad days, me included, but it's how you fill the moments that predict how the day will go. I have days where I feel sick, down, angry, sad, etc. but I take the moments where I talk to someone I love or I do well on something, and remember that life is not all just sadness, there are lots of amazing things if you find them. Each moment is a gift. Cherish them. Find the people who make you happy all the time. Take out the bad things in your life. Act on your problems, don't just let them sit there. Live. You only have one life, and I know that if and when I get to be old, I can look back at this life and say, "wow, what a ride!" Life is not always easy, but it doesn't mean it can't be good. For all the horrible things in my life, there has been plenty of amazing things as well. Don't dwell on the pain, live in the happiness.

I am thankful for my job. See, it's nothing big, but it's a job. I have income every 2 weeks. It is easy. AND it's allowing me to type this up right now because of my ability to be on a computer while at work. It may only be 20 hours a week, pay near minimum wage and such, but I'm doing a lot better than some. I know at the end of the 2 weeks, I'll have some kind of check in my hand that I can use in whatever I may need. I also have amazing coworkers. People who make me laugh, make me smile and who are just plain awesome. I couldn't ask for better people to work with.

I am thankful for living where I live. Charter Oaks was a horrible place for me. I hated it there. It was my transitional home. It was the place between Uncle Dave's and now. I experienced a lot of pain in that apartment. I dealt with a lot of depression in that apartment. It was that apartment where I felt alone, because I felt that if I died there, no one would make sure I was okay because of how much out of people's life I was at the time. I went days without talking to anyone. I laid in my bed in the dark, wishing for things to end. Charter Oaks was a dark home for me. So when I moved to Riverfront, my life changed dramatically. I have amazing roommates that are there, are willing to help and keep me from being brash and crazy all the time. They make me laugh and smile. They let me rant about life. I know that if something were to happen to me, well they would be there to make sure things were okay. And I know people where I live. Working at the front desk has perks as well, because I get to meet people from all over the building. After Sarah and Boesler moved out of Charter Oaks, I knew NO ONE there. Well, I knew Ashley and Zac, but not that well at the time. I have a sense of community in Riverfront, one that makes me happy to be here. And the apartment is beautiful. The perfect place for me to live. I feel so free here because I just pay all the bills at the beginning of the month (but really I pay for the whole semester at once which makes the experience even more freeing.) Yes, this summer I'm going to be scraping to get by on a month to month basis by moving to a new room for the time being, but I am going to be happily living here. If I have to talk to Uncle Dave for help for a month of two, I shall. I'll make ends meet somehow. I don't even know where else I would live for those 4 months from May to September. I'll end up doing what I do.

I am thankful for all the things I have in my life. I am doing okay. I have lots of "things" that other people don't have. I live a comfortable life no matter what. I have the ability to be happy. I can make ends meet but at the same time, have nice things. It's really a nice feeling. Sometimes they say that "things" aren't all that, but I know that I have earned everything I have. And that is a wonderful thing.

I am thankful for being able to go to school. Education is important to me, and knowing that I am getting close to being a college graduate is just such a big them for me. It's one of those goals that I have worked so hard, fought for and can see it in my grasp. I can't wait to hold that diploma in my hands and rejoice! I'm sure it's going to be an amazing day.

I am thankful for my strength. It has gotten me through so much. So much more than you can even imagine.

I am thankful for the people who I have lost in my life. Each and every one of them have taught me amazing lessons that I couldn't get elsewhere. It hurts to think about their losses, but I will always have fond memories. That will never change.

Music:

1. Heavy in Your Arms- Florence and the Machine

2. Survivor Guilt- Rise Against

3. Lost!- Coldplay

4. Someone Like You- Adele

5. Over My Head (Cable Car)- The Fray

6. Losing My Mind- Daughtry

7. Re-Education (Through Labor)- Rise Against

8. Blackout- Breathe Carolina

9. I Gave You All- Mumford & Sons

10. Endgame- Rise Against

11. Who You'd Be Today- Kenny Chesney

12. Good Feeling- Flo Rida

13. The One That Got Away- Katy Perry

14. Dare You To Move- Switchfoot

In Response

So whew, yesterday I wrote about one of the biggest secrets in my life. I laid it all out there. And well, the wave of emotions I experienced was not expected.


I thought I would get depressed, sad, maybe shed some tears, have some major flashbacks about the whole experience. But I didn't. I felt relieved. I felt like it was something that I had wanted to talk about for such a long time, but very few people knew what I had really gone through. There are some who think highly of me, and these people are also the ones who know my life quite well. These people see me in the light they do, because they have respect for what I have gone through.


Hiding grief is hard, hiding a broken heart is even harder. When my mother passed away, I hid a lot of my pain for a long time. I didn't talk about her loss with many people, hell the day after her funeral, I was at school with a smile on my face. It wasn't because it didn't hurt, and her death didn't effect me for the rest of my life, it's just that I didn't want people to see me as weak.


See, for the longest time, I saw emotions as weakness. I hid them around my mother (as I cried in my room all the time) and well, I didn't want to be seen as a mess after her death. When I moved in with Uncle Dave and Aunt Debbie, I didn't want to be seen as weak either. I put up a front. I didn't let them know how I really was feeling on the inside...a goopy mess of a teenager who was lost in a world that had broken to shambles. That was my life. I didn't know where my father was, my mother was dead, my brother had been moved over 100 miles away and I was in this new home with family members who weren't what I expected. That is what I tried to get through in high school. That is why I was so big into the band. School work and music were the only things I felt like I did right, so I threw myself into that to keep myself busy and keep all the other shit off my mind.


And so after high school, and moving out, and the falling out with friends, I was once again lost. I needed a breath of fresh air. My life was falling apart all over again. And well, Sam changed that. He put my life back together. I am not ashamed of my relationship with him, I never will be. I am not scared of what I had there, it was wonderful. I learned a lot, have amazing memories that still, to this day, make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.


But I hid that away, and slowly revealed this to the people I felt I could trust. There is a lot of learning and trusting I still need to work on, being someone so used to pain, it's hard to trust at times. So yesterday, I just decided that it was time for a big step. I had told Zac that I wanted to eventually speak about it to more of my family and friends, and that it would be by blog post. I had talked about it on here vaguely before, even almost not so vaguely last December, but for those who didn't know "who" that post was talking about, well you now know! And it probably makes sense now. 


So when you talk about losing the man you love, I know. OH I know. I know exactly how you feel on that one. I know the feeling of feeling in love, the warmth, the happiness, that beauty, how time flies so fast, how you will do anything for that one person, how they make you feel beautiful every moment of everyday, how you can fall so fast when their gone, how you want to spend every moment of everyday with them, how lonely your heart feels when you are no longer loved, the pain of a heart ripping in half, the depression you are thrown in once they are gone, the memories that cause tears at a moments notice, how just a smell like them can bring back every moment of everyday and haunt you for the rest of your life, how that one song that was your song hurts so bad to listen to, makes you cringe, but at the same time you can't stop listening to it, how memories hurt so bad to remember them and feel them, but you don't want to let them go because you don't want to forget them and those moments in your life.


I know.


So when I revealed that I had been going through cycles of happiness, sadness, pain, anger and all kinds of emotions for over 2 years now over a man that I was in love with, who was sick and who had died while I was my own person, well I felt relieved at first. Then I realized what I did, and freaked. But I freaked too late and I knew that many of you had read it. Then I hyperventilated and thought that I did the wrong thing. I felt like it was the wrong time, everyone was going to be angry I never told them, that they would be disappointed that I had made such brash decisions, that I had let them down in life. But it took a great friend to convince me that the truth was a wonderful thing, that it would have come out eventually, and now that it was out I no longer needed to have it weigh on my mind. People know and if they treat me differently because of it, shame on them. I am still Amelia, and even though I have been through so much more than you can even imagine, I am still me. I am optimistic. I smile. I laugh. I sing. I love. I don't let the pain run my life and ruin it. I don't let it keep me down. I wake up in the morning, smile and take on the day...no matter what. It's what I did then, and it's what I shall keep doing. I still live a life with an outlook that I know that we all have shitty times, we have some days that just don't seem to want to end, they cause pain, they are horrible; but tomorrow is a whole new day. A day full of opportunities and new memories. A day that you can make better. It only rains so long, eventually the sun will come out and it'll be smooth sailing again. I can tell you that thought is so true, because of what I have experienced.


This morning I woke up a new woman. I feel awesome (even though I did go out to the club, drink some drinks, dance my ass off...so I'm a little sore from that) but I am still lighter than I have been in years. That is off my chest, I can move forward with the feeling that a large part of my life, where I was my own person and very few people were actually a part of it, and gave you a look into what made me who I am today. See, in 2008, I was a different person than I was in 2009. And at the end of 2009, the relationship with Sam had changed me so much more than you can even imagine that I was a totally different person by the end of 2009. But today, in 2012, I am an even more different person than I was a year ago, even 6 months ago. I am changing, evolving, learning and being. The fact that I can recognize that in me, and other people is a gift. My experiences have made me want to know more about people, help them, give them someone to lean on, someone to rant at, someone to make them look at their life and go wow...I can do anything. 


So what to expect now that this tidbit of my life is out in the open: expect stories, memories, reminisces of this time in my life. More detail. Me working through it now that I can put it out there and no longer care what you think. See, I don't care anymore. If you think I was foolish, I don't care. If you think I shouldn't have kept it in so long, I don't care. If you think of me any differently than you did before, I don't give a shit. Yup, I went there. See, if you don't believe a word, well you aren't the people who care for me in any way, and you are the people I am getting out of my life...even if you are family. I no longer want people who effect me negatively in my life. I believe I only deserve love, understanding and those who want the best for me in life. I no longer want negativity as I'm moving on and evolving into the human being I want to spend the rest of my life as. People who leach your happiness are not worth having around, and I am no longer going to put up with it.


I am happy with what I did, I am happy with the relationship I shared. I am happy being me. That is all that matters. If you want to continue being a part of my life, don't let things I reveal change your attitude towards me, and don't treat me differently. I have fought hefty battles and I deserve the happy state I am in right now. Don't ruin this for me.


Okay /rant for now. I just wanted to let you know that I don't rescind anything I said yesterday and I don't have regrets. We all have secrets, I still have plenty. But that was a secret I decided to let out this year, and now that it's out so early this year, I don't have to deal with it nagging me anymore. It's out there in the open, where it shall remain. 


And today, I am willing to talk about it. If you want to know more. If you want to talk to me, share some of your own experiences, really get to know who I am and what really makes me tick, I welcome the conversation. If you want to stay in the dark, or ignore everything whatsoever, good for you. It will always be there, I can't change my past or my experiences, but I can make it my past and not let it effect my future no longer.


Love you all, I truly do. 


Music:
1. I Run to You- Lady Antebellum
2. Love Drunk- Boyslikegirls
3. For The First Time- The Script
4. The One That Got Away- Katy Perry
5. The Crow and the Butterfly- Shinedown
6. Aerials- System of the Down
7. Crawling Back to You- Daughtry
8. Without You- David Guetta (w/ Usher)
9. If It's Love- Train
10. Set Fire to the Rain- Adele

The View From Up Here

You know, they say you live and learn. And throughout life, people come and go like no other but each of them has some kind of effect on your life, sometimes very small but at times can change it forever. This is one of those sappy love posts where I shall reveal a portion of my life that very few have ever learned about me. This is where I finally confront and talk about 2009 and the changes that happened in my life. Though some things will always be inside of me, in my memories, I will talk about the craziest thing that can happen in the life of a girl.


I am going to talk about love.


See, in 2009, I moved out of Uncle Dave's house. I was done with their shit at this time in my life. I was frustrated and I needed some space to be me. To many, they thought moving into Uncle Dave's household would be easy for me. They thought that now I was in a "stable" home, with enough money to sustain us, that I would be able to heal. But it wasn't easy. Everything was different. Things happened that were well, not okay under any circumstances. And I resisted change the whole time I was there. 


So in the beginning of 2009, after I had turned 18, I moved out of their house as soon as I could. I wanted to spread my wings. They didn't allow me to go off to college and live in a dorm at the time, though I had wanted to. Until I was 18 years old, I was stuck in their household, with their rules.


I feel as if they didn't have any respect to let me mess up at the time. I feel as if I have gained some respect over the years, though it hasn't been said directly.


Anyway...I moved into an apartment with a roommate. But not more than 2 months later, I had a huge fallout with many of my friends and my roommate moved out. We haven't spoken much since that moment. But I was alone, I didn't like calling Uncle Dave, I was struggling, I was depressed and I didn't think I had the willpower to get through a lot of things that were going on in my life. Everything was coming at me at once, and I felt like I had to take it all in alone.


Then Sam came into my life. Who's Sam you may ask? Well, I'm going to tell you. I hid Sam away from pretty much everyone. I was afraid of the judgments I would get because of my past and things I had said. Sam and I knew each other from our childhood, but hadn't talked in years. Then one dark morning when I was about to give up just about everything, there he was.


And we had an instant connection. We went out to coffee, which turned into dinner. We fell in love at that moment. Sam made me feel wanted, loved, needed and beautiful. All feelings that I hadn't felt in a long time. And so began the summer of my life. Summer 2009. I will always look back at that summer with fond memories. 


But I guess why I was afraid (and still am) of the judgments set forth by my family and friends is because Sam wasn't a normal individual. Sam was sick, very sick. This made an urgency to the whole situation. I was once again taking care of someone I loved with a serious illness. I was 18 years old. But I was in love with this man. 


And everything was rushed, but when you're in love, you forget these things. On June 25th of that year, we were engaged. Yup, you never knew that did you? I was engaged to be married that year. I still have the ring upstairs, just sitting in a box with my mother's rings. I did things with Sam I had never experienced before in my life, but I hid them away. I have no pictures of this time because I didn't take any. If you look on my Facebook, there is a dearth of pictures starting in Spring 2009 and ending where this story will also end. I was too wrapped up in just about everything that was happening, the highs, the feelings, the love, that I forgot the world. Truly. 


But that world ended on August 22nd of that year. That morning Sam was rushed to the hospital and by several hours later, his family and I received the news that he had passed away. He was gone. I remember the feeling of the world dropping out from under me but I spent days just sitting there, numb of all feeling. And I sat there, amid all the memories those walls held, all the love I had felt, all the laughs and smiles, the mess in the kitchen we had made together that one morning, those nights on the futon playing wii or just watching TV, the life I had hidden away from everyone. And I mean EVERY ONE. I never said a word about it on Facebook, I remained "single" throughout the whole thing, I didn't talk to many people, I let them think I was still in my deep hole of depression.


But I wasn't. Sam saved me. He stopped me from deciding to give up on my life. He made me feel beautiful when the people in my life kept telling me that I was fat, ugly and stupid. 


So when he passed, I almost expected it, but at the same time I was reeling. I went back to school that fall just to escape the sadness and pain that I was experiencing. I kept myself busy. And I went through the task of canceling all our plans, both literally and mentally. I had let myself go and let myself fall in love like I had never done before in my life. I was heartbroken. I was alone. And there are scars on my heart that are still stinging, are still causing me pain to this day.


It took me a long time to believe that I would ever fall in love again. To believe that I could even be desirable to someone. I felt like I had lost my "one" and that I was going to remain lonely for the rest of my life here on Earth. I hated being alone, but I wasn't mentally ready to be in love again for a long time after that death. I had fallen in love with a sick (as in illness) man and I got what was coming in my life. I felt like no one would understand what I was going through. I haven't revealed this relationship to many, because I feel like everyone will tell me I was stupid. That I shouldn't have let myself do that. But sometimes, you just can't control who your heart falls in love with.


Yes, I was young. I was stupid. I let myself get so wrapped up in the situation and I learned a hell of a lot from it. But for all the pain that I have had to deal with...the broken heart, the troubles...I got so much more out of it. Because of Sam, I have my outlook on life. I am an optimist, I lost a lot of my fear. For heaven's sake, I jumped out of an airplane with him that summer. The quote on my foot tattoo, is one he told me that morning. I live by that quote. There is no use being afraid of life, it's so much more fun to take it by the horns and let it happen. Yes, there will be pain, there will be lessons, there will be troubles...but that comes in life. Because of all the shit that I have seen in my 21 years, I also know what happiness is. Sometimes you have to experience darkness to especially experience the light.


And that is where I am at in my life. Eventually I moved on up from the darkest year of my life. I moved out of Charter Oaks and into Riverfront. I let go of people who have been negative in my life. I left a job that gave me nothing but frustration while teaching me all it could. I chose a major where my heart really lies.


And I fell in love again. You may think its too early to say its love, because Kevin and I have been official for less than a month, but in essence he has been there for a very long time and I love him lots. See the funny thing is, Sam left my life on August 22. I met Kevin less than a month later in my Nursing class. We have been best friends for almost 2 years. Kevin knew about Sam, Kevin knew I was healing, Kevin knew that I had to become okay with myself before I would be okay with someone else. Kevin has understood me better than many other people who claim to know me. And that's what made our relationship so inevitable. He has been calming me down, listening to me, hugging me, reassuring me for 2 years now. That is the biggest gift I could ever be given. 


When I say the view from up here, I mean the view from one of the highest points in my life. Karma has dragged me around quite a bit and has made me work for what I've gotten. I've been slowly working my way back up. I've learned things about me, I've inspired some people along the way and I have come out on top for awhile. I am living in a place where I am happy and free, I am going to school for what I want to do, I am in love with someone I want to be with, I have friends in my life that care for me and want the best for me. I am happy and I have an overall feeling of well-being. I feel as if 2012 may be my year. I feel more hope than I have had in a long, long time. 


The other day I was talking with my friend Zac and he said something that struck me. "Pain is a good teacher, a great teacher. But not all lessons have to be taught through pain. But the pain never goes away. You just find happy, good things to surround the pain and make it less painful. It doesn't mean that it isn't there, you can still experience in the same strength as the moment that it happened if you ever need to. But, the happy things make it so that the pain no longer runs your life." I have now filled my heart with many happy things that are overshadowing the pain.


Today I have shared with you another great pain in my life. Another time that I am still healing from. Another time that made me into the person I am today. I have shared with you one of the greatest secrets in my life. Publicly. I have laid it out there for you to read, and it to be read by many. I know that this may all see crazy, but every single moment of this was real to me. Sometimes you don't know what you're getting yourself into, you are just so caught up in the moment. That was this moment, these feelings. This is something I am still feeling. Something I am still getting past.


But I am healing. I am moving on. I am continuing. I am living. I am loving. This is my life. My life as an optimist.


Music
1. Lullabye- Daughtry
2. The Scientist- Coldplay
3. Satellite- Rise Against
4. There's a Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven't Realized It Yet- Panic! at the Disco
5. Gone Too Long- After Midnight Project
6. Heartbeat- The Fray
7. Here Without You- Three Doors Down
8. The One That Got Away- Katy Perry

Plans for the New Year

So I guess I can't say that I don't have plans for things I would like to do this new year. I'm not big on making resolutions because everyone is like "I'm going to lose weight," "I'm going to quit smoking," "I'm going to ace my classes." But then, after they don't achieve it, they feel like a failure.

No, I set myself with some changes that I will slowly make happen BUT  if they don't, I won't be depressed about the whole situation. So this year, 2012, here are some things I would like to make happen:

• I would like to brush my teeth more. Yes, I don't do it quite as often as I should. I have a beautiful smile, I had jaw surgery AND braces for way too long in high school to not take care of my chompers. Its going well so far :)
• I would like to let the happiness happen. See, 2009 was a horrible year. Many of my family do NOT know what really happened in 2009, I was my own person. But I think one day I would like to share what happened, truly. 2010 was a better year, I learned a lot about myself. 2011 was even better and I finally figured out what I wanted to do with life. Well, in 2012, I just want to let myself be in the place I am but to grow at the same time. I started this year happier than I have been in a long, long time. I would like to keep it that way for as long as possible.
• I would like to do better in classes. Shocker, I know, but I am not an honor's student in college. Not even close. I'm sure that even if I 4.0 my last 3 semesters, I won't make it to honor's. But you know what, I let that go. For I know that no matter what, I'll be proud (as will the rest of my family) that I graduated college. I will have a degree. Not many people know this, but when I was little, I promised my mother that I would graduate college. I would become a college graduate and do my best to be successful. I plan on finishing that. In my mind, I know my mother is proud of me, but I believe that she won't be truly proud unless I finish that last promise I got to make her when she was on this Earth. It's in my grasp now, I can see the end. And I can see plans for the future. I have applied for graduate studies at University of Michigan-Dearborn, Wayne State and The University of Chicago. These three schools have the program I want to study.
• I want to sit down and actually have a conversation with Uncle Dave and well, talk all this stuff out. I want to forgive him, though I also need to apologize. It's time to let the past be well...the past. There is nothing I can do to change the circumstances of my mother's death or my father's death. Nothing. I can't go back and change it all. So it's time to let it go. In my heart I have forgiven him and everyday the anger lessens. It's time to patch up a relationship that has seen some major frays. It's time. I would like to make it healthy once again as I have restored ties with other family members that well, were seemingly nonexistent for awhile. Even if this conversation happens over the phone, it'll be nice to know that it is no longer on my heart. It's time to let go of the past and live in the now.
• That's another thing. Yes, over the years I have changed to the point where I try new things, I am not afraid as I once was. I would like to expand that even more. I would like to try new things this year, go new places. Explore "me" more. Learn. Love. Be. I know it's going to be hard, but I want to expand my horizons more. Meet new people. Spread my zeal for life.
• I would like to really learn to understand how inspiring everyone tells me I am. See, I see myself as Amelia. Just Amelia. So when someone says I'm their hero, well it makes me blush a little bit. To know that somehow I made a difference in their life has been a big learning experience for me. I love learning about people, so I want to meet more people and learn about them. What makes them tick, what they have experienced. I think that a lot of people don't see themselves as strong, it took me a long time to really realize it. I believe that everyone is strong in their own way, everyone has problems, big AND small, and though some problems may be much smaller than other peoples, they are still problems. They still need to be solved. You need to get by them. That is what makes you strong. Everyone is strong, you just have to find what makes you strong.
• I just want to learn to love again. I haven't been in a relationship since 2009, and that one scarred me a little more than most know. Other than that, everything else hasn't worked out. But for once, I am learning to be myself with someone else. It's getting a little easier, but I have been by myself for so long, I'm just not used to letting myself lean on someone else, even a tad. Sorry Kevin, I'll get there eventually. I just want to let myself go, not think twice about this whole thing and let it be. I am happier than ever and I am thankful for that. I need some true happiness in my life. I believe I deserve that!

So there it is, my hopes for 2012. Most of these things are not something that has an end, it's just more of being and my outlook on how I live my life. I want to truly explore my optimism and test myself in new ways. I want to be. This is my year to sit back and smell the roses but also to live and take life by the horns. It's going to be an interesting one.

Music!

1. Mercenary- Panic! At the Disco

2. Louder Than Ever- Daughtry

3. February Song- Josh Groban

4. Set Fire to the Rain- Adele

5. The Dog Days Are Over- Florence and the Machine

6. Rolling in the Deep- Adele

7. Hurricane Drunk- Florence and the Machine

8. Heartbeat- The Fray

9. Jesus of Suburbia- American Idiot the Musical Cast

10. Set Fire to the Third Bar- Snow Patrol

An Amazingly Happy New Year!

First off, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! This year has been a much different new year for me than I have had in awhile. And I had so much fun! But before I get into the details on just how AMAZING my night was (because it was shoot off fireworks, kiss a baby, amazing) I'll catch you all up on my whole holiday season, as it has been  just epic in general.


Christmas was actually a lot better than I thought it was going to be. Last year was a little subdued (I think I wrote about it on here last year). It ended up being a very quiet affair and even though I enjoyed it, something was just different about the whole situation! But this year was the direct opposite! Christmas Eve I was off to Molly's Uncle Dennis' where we had Christmas with them. It was fun, we watched movies, open gifts, caught up on life. Uncle Steve gave all the girls his version of lingerie, a 4X camo nightgown. What a man! Love him so much though, he makes me laugh (and that this is SUPER warm). That night I went off to Ken and Mo's for Christmas Eve like usual and we just chilled, had a drink, shared some laughs, and had a great time.  Molly and I went to her brother EJ's for the night.


The next morning we got up and had brunch. Uncle Steve and Aunt Sue came down to EJ's to join us this year and we had present sharing time while keeping the dogs from tearing up everything. (Great entertainment was had). Then I got dressed and was off for the day. I drove up to Lapeer to Uncle Dave and Aunt Debs. I was a little early so I had to wait around, offered my help in the kitchen (something I think that took Aunt Debbie a little off guard) and just made the time as pleasing as possible. Aunt Debbie's family came over soon and we spent our time talking and catching up.


After dinner, I was off to Todd and Michelle's, where I always end my Christmas night. I arrived in time for a packed house! It was nice taking a seat at the dining room table and talking to Aunt Rosalie, Aunt Jane, Paula, Aunt Linda, Michelle and the random people who came and went. It was really quite wonderful sharing so many laughs with them that night! Aunt Linda loved the collage I made her for Christmas (and made sure that everyone saw it...Michelle approved of how many times she was in it ;D ) and stories about our family that were hilarious came up. Totally an enjoyable time. Kids were running around, it was just a perfect Christmas. By the time I hit the pillow on the couch at 11, I was exhausted!


The next morning we got up and went shopping. Aunt Linda wanted to buy me something for Christmas, so I found a nice pair of jeans that fit nicely and bought myself a sweater (it is actually my favorite piece of clothing right now!) And then I was off to Flint to meet Molly and Kevin for a trip to Frankenmuth! Molly had never been so we walked around little Bavaria, went to shops, watched them make fudge (and TRIED warm fudge...mmm!) and bought some. 


Tuesday brought a lunch with my friend Matt who I have known for a long time. We hadn't seen each other for awhile, so we got some pizza, talked about life and shared some laughs. It was so nice seeing him! Later that night I headed to Saginaw to spend the night with my friend's Helen and David from The Fowler Center! They are literally my favorite couple!!! Dave's little sister Angie was there (I love that girl!) and her boyfriend Eddie. We just had a great time. Mikaela and Charlotte, who worked with us our first summer at TFC, came by. Charlotte was in the country from overseas to spend the holiday with Mikaela, I hadn't seen her since summer 2010! It was nice catching up with her for sure!


Thursday came the day where I got shit done....literally! I bought my textbooks for this semester online, I paid the rest of my rent for my lease, I did some online shopping (girl found some DEALS!), finalized my schedule for this semester, and talked to people more and got to know them better (which is one of my favorite things to do)! It was a wonderful day. I then I set up my new XBox 360 and gamed all afternoon. :) That night I went out to dinner with Sarah and Kelly from TFC at Buffalo Wild Wings and we had a blast!


Friday was a weird day. I was having some issues with my hand majorly, the tendons were super swollen so I got a doctors appointment that morning and ended up with some major pain pills and a shot of cortisone. I then went to the mall to return Tanisha's Christmas gift (the thing I got her was not okay for certain reasons hahah) and bought her another. Then her and I decided we were going to split the cost on a new TV (since we both have new xboxes) so I went to Best Buy for that and got a beauty. By the time I made it home, I was having some weird side effects from the new pain prescription (it was making me feel really weird) so I set up the TV, told Kevin that I just didn't want to see anyone and laid in front of the TV for the rest of the night waiting to not feel sick and groggy. I called in and asked for a different prescription which was called in (and I can happily say that the one time I've taken it, I don't have the same kind of side effects!) Gotta love chronic tendinitis in both hands...and it causing issues...blah!


ANYWAY! I got up yesterday and felt like a whole new woman. I spent the day being lazy, thinking of mom and getting ready for the night's festivities. Kevin came over a little later and spent some time together before we were off to Lapeer to get Zac and head to Uncle Dave's. But when we get to Tim Horton's, I remembered that I forgot Katrina's Christmas gift at my apartment, so Zac jumped in my car and we drove back so I could grab it. It was all good though, Zac and Kevin became acquainted, had some "bro" time hahaha and I think became more comfortable with each other. (Zac had NEVER hung out with us, ever, and I invited him because I had enjoyed our conversations on Facebook QUITE a bit and it would be nice to just spend some time getting to know him better!) We were off to Uncle Dave's where I got tackled by children (and my best friend Katrina), laughs were had and Euchre was played for hours on end! But probably the best moment of the night was midnight where yes, I'm going to say it, Kevin and I shared the "first kiss" of our relationship. For more on THAT story, you can ask me personally hahaha because it was quite entertaining. But, yes I had the goofiest grin ever...EVER in my life and well, it was the first time in a long time that I shared a New Year's kiss with someone who wasn't a family member. :D


After midnight, we left the shindig and went to Tim Horton's for some coffee to refuel before heading to Zac's house. There was actually a New Year's party going on there as well (haha but Zac was with US!) and we were there until after 3 am talking, meeting new people, laughing, and just enjoying each other's company. Then Kevin and I made the drive back to Flint (safely and NOT under the influence of anything I may add...this was actually a drink free New Year and I was a-okay with that)! I think I had faygo, coffee and water all night long! After a goodnight kiss (eeee!!!) we parted ways.


 I thought I would just collapse in bed and go to sleep...but nope. I ended up tracking down who the person was who thought it was awesome to submit the comment, "Lose some weight, you fat pig!" to my post about my Christmas party last night. Yup, I know who you are, where you live, and well, if you're reading this...cool story bro. I'm not going to say I'm not overweight, oh I know I am. But comments like those aren't going to break me down like they did years ago. For your information anonymous (as you weren't brave enough to say it with your name attached) I AM actually taking a swimming class this semester. It may (or may not) help me lose weight, but either way, I am going to be getting some exercise in my life. Thank you for caring about my well-being, that is really kind of you. There are also words I would like to share with you, but in truth, I no longer want to spread hate, so I'm not going to say them to you. Optimism is such a wonderful thing, and it makes people see the best in every situation (and is the main reason I am still functioning with the shitstorm that is my life) and I'm going to say anon, that yes I am overweight, and if I lose some weight this semester, cool. That's fine with me. But if I don't, then whatever. I am relatively healthy and that's all I can ask for. I have awesome people in my life (and you are not one of them) and that's a wonderful thing. I am happy and that's ALL that matters. Maybe it's time to re-evaluate your life and look at what you are doing before you try taking down the tower that is Amelia. Good luck!


After that, I went through my Facebook friends list (all 1200+ of them) and deleted over 100 people. These were people that have been negative to me, that I don't really know, that I don't know why I added them, and people who are just not worth being in my life again. I am sure that another cut will happen in the future. But one of them was a good friend from the past who is no longer my friend. If she is reading this, awesome. You are REALLY trying to get into my life. I knew it the moment that you added Kevin on Facebook the moment we became boyfriend and girlfriend. If you want to know what's going on in my life, ASK me. You are around UM-Flint ALL THE TIME, and never even acknowledge my presence when we pass in the hall (and I know you see me)! It was only a matter of time. If you want to actually be friends again, then you can message me on Facebook, try to build a friendship and maybe, just maybe, I'll eventually add you back. I'm done putting the energy in our relationship. Good luck stalking me, it's not going to happen via Facebook anymore.


I fell into my bed at about 6 am this morning. For the most part, the night was amazing. I am so ready for 2012 and all the craziness it's going to bring into my life. I am all about being positive and getting the negative out of my life. A new start. As I said yesterday, I don't have New Year's resolutions, and I am not going to try to make this year better. I am going to take everyday as they come, one day at a time, laugh often, smile everyday, share some memories, keep moving forward through the tough stuff and LIVE! I'm ready, are you?


P.S. Kevin survived meeting my family last night...I get to meet his tonight. I may be a tad nervous :) stupid social anxiety!


Music:
1. American Idiot- Green Day
2. Tonight- Seether
3. Who's They- Daughtry
4. Night Hunter- 30 Seconds to Mars
5. Hero/Heroine- Boyslikegirls
6. Nothing- The Script
7. If It's Love- Train
8. Dirty Little Secret- All-American Rejects
9. Again- Flyleaf

7 Years...

Dear Mom,

Every year, without fail, this day arrives with some pain. And every year, there has been struggles and triumphs that I wonder what would have happen if you were here with me to hold me and to celebrate with me.

I do miss you mom, so much. But I have come to the point in my life that I know I carry you with me everywhere I go, and that is enough to not make your loss something that holds me back from living life. I live it for you, with you here in my heart.

This year has been tough. Secrets have come out about family members I didn't expect. Lots of tears were shed, a new grief was given to me. But you know what, I made it through and at the end of the year, I can sit here and write you the yearly letter as I look back. We all have trials and tribulations and though in earlier years I didn't see the hope...this year I do. See, I can see the end of another chapter. College graduation is in a year and a half. I can finally start to see what I want to do with the rest of my life. I see happiness and I see hope. It's been a long time. I know I will make you proud, I see the ability to finally.

And it feels amazing. Remember I promised you that I would graduate. Well, I'm getting there mom. I truly am. And I plan on going on and becoming a Doctor. Yes, I am going to be Dr. Moore. Isn't that awesome? It really has an amazing ring to it!

And I know that you want me to be happy, and I'm getting there. Now I KNOW you have been trying to give me those signs I so beg for. And I think you tried so hard, and it took both Kevin and I some time to figure out those signs. You sent Kevin into my life at one of those times where I was hurting very, very bad. And he is my best friend. I am so happy that we are now together. I know that you had something to do with that, you're so devious. But thank you. You kept me from killing a million people because I was so angry, sad and lonely. You gave me someone to love when I had lost so much love in my life. He's my best friend, he knows my life, he knows my troubles, he knows the baggage that I carry and the scars that I have. But he's not afraid of that. This may be one of the best gifts you have ever given me.

And even if it doesn't work out in the end, it's okay because for now, I am happy. Thank you.

Love,

Amelia

P.S. This is my song for you this year. Before it has been so depressing, but this song really talks about the journey I have been through to get here. And yes, I will see you again, just a long time from now.

Hello I'm in Delaware
City And Colour/Dallas Green


So there goes my life
Passing by with every exit sign
It's been so long
Sometimes I wonder how I will stay strong
No sleep tonight
I'll keep on driving these dark highway lines
And as the moon fades
One more night gone, only twenty more days

But I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now

And there goes my life
Passing by with every departing flight
And its been so hard
So much time so far apart
And she walks the night
How many hearts will die tonight
And will things have changed
I guess I'll find out in seventeen days

But I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now

My body aches, 
and it hurts to sing, 
and no one is moving
And I wish that I weren't here tonight, 
but this is my life

And I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now

And I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now