Dear Aunt Anne,

It's 1:22 in the morning and the only person I can think about is you. I had a moment, about 20 minutes ago, as I was going back to bed after letting the dog out where a memory popped in my head. It was a rather good memory, one of you. But it made the tears start flowing and they just wouldn't stop until I got my thoughts down.

When I was younger, I remember you made me some stationary. It stated something along the lines of "from the desk of Amelia Moore" or "With love from Amelia" or something like that. And on the top you had taken that picture of my mother, brother and I from Paula's wedding and just cropped it of me. You made me like 10 sheets but I thought they were made out of gold and I remember I used to write little notes on them to people and when I got down to the last sheet, I saved it forever until I found someone special.

I can't remember who I wrote to back then. Probably family members and friends who have long thrown those letters in the garbage. But I can remember that paper and how today I love my stationary and how I write people all over the world.

The day I found out you had passed was a normal Wednesday. I was sitting at work doing my normal things when Aunt Jane popped up on my phone. She didn't even have to say your name before I knew what she was calling about. And I cried, much like I am now, for the times I missed because of my stupid pride. Missed opportunities that I would never get back.

We both are/were stubborn women and I know that throughout the years, you loved me just the same, even when we had our disagreements. Heck, there are things on this very blog that you both loved to hear and also hated to hear. And I know that. It has always been easier for me to communicate by written word; a fatal flaw of sorts.

I hope you know that I loved you too. I have said many hateful words in the past. I have disagreed with things that happened and were said, but I still love and appreciate everything you did or tried to do for me. Even those things I had no idea about until long after the fact.

And I am sorry that Kevin and I couldn't have gotten married last fall. I will always remember the one comment to me when you said "Why can't you do it this year?" and I said something along the lines that we didn't have the money. You and I both know that I could have thrown everything I had and was given in my 25th year towards a beautiful wedding, but you and I also both know that isn't what my mother would have wanted. We are putting it where it rightfully should go, into a house that is ours for our future.

I guess I will leave this here. It is funny how grief gets you. I cried when I found out you had died and hell, I cried pretty hard when we said goodbye as a family. But then I went back to my life. I tried to show some support to your kids whose shoes I had been in 12 years before, but I went back to everything I had built after the funeral home.

Until February 16th at 1am when your memory reminded me that I won't be able to see you at my wedding this September and that you are no longer with us. Even if I don't show it, I remember. And it still hurts.

I love you Aunt Anne. Just as much as I loved you when you gave me that stationary and as much as I didn't want to admit I did when we had our differences.

Love your niece,

Amelia

Dear FutureMe

So the following is from an amazing website that I stumbledupon back in 2009. This website allows you to write letters that will be sent in email form to yourself and others. You write what you want to say, pick a date at least a year in the future and send it out.

This letter I wrote to myself last year. I had received a letter I had written to myself in 2009 and I logged back on to the website to write another.

But the coolest thing about this website is you forget what you write to yourself. Life happens in the year(s) that intervene and when you finally get the letter snuggled in your email, you are touched by the things you said to yourself. I received this one this morning and I shed a tear. What I wrote to myself made me smile, laugh, think and inspired me to keep doing what I am doing. If you want to read, it is below.

The following is an e-mail from the past, composed 11 months and 29 days ago, on May 19, 2012. It is being delivered from the past through FutureMe.org

Dear FutureMe,

First off, you should have graduated college by now. Congratulations if you have. If you haven't, there better be a good reason missy!

Life is interesting. I say this because as life has passed us (as in you and I...which is just me), many things have happened and well "we" have learned some amazing things about ourself and the world.

I hope that when you get this email, you haven't lost track of what you want to do with your life. I hope this finds you in a wonderful happy place. I hope that you are finding solace in the life that you are beginning to lead and have found a way to finally leave the past behind. Just about a month ago, you outed the whole family and they all became very upset with you. I'm curious if things have changed with that relationship or if you're still living at a distance that you have been for the past month now.

Sometimes, the truth hurts. Remember that. And if you aren't on speaking terms with them, don't worry about it. If they matter and they care, they will eventually come around. Right now, remember that you have some amazing friends that you have made into your family.

And an amazing boyfriend. I am curious if you and Kevin are still together a year from now. I sure hope so! If you are, you'll have been together for over a year (17 months to be exact) and well, that is awesome. I really hope that the promise you made him on March 15, 2012 stays true, because he is such a gentleman and so perfect for you.

And Zac, I hope you are still really good friends with him. He makes you think, constantly. And that's not a bad thing, don't get me wrong. He has found a way to bring you out of the pain that you have been dealing with for years and finally make you strong and brave enough to face it (instead of burying it in the deep hole that you had for years).

Right now you are probably trying to figure out what the hell you are going to do with you life now that you have your Bachelor's Degree. Just remember to take each day as they come. You can only do so much, and focusing on tomorrow (which is probably what you're doing a lot of right now) will make you forget what is happening right in front of you. Yes, good luck with whatever the world takes you, but also don't let it all pass you by. Enjoy your days, smile often, laugh tons and be happy.

And also remember that life isn't fair. I know, cliche. But, you of all people should understand this one. You're a fighter. You've beaten the odds in many different ways. And you know what, you'll keep beating those odds if you keep your wonderful attitude that you have now. Know that right now you may experience a lot of rejection as you try to find a job that will become your career. Don't settle. Keep striving for the best. You are worth it and YOU deserve it. You haven't fought this hard and this long to just give in to what's easy. Make a difference because YOU can.

This may be a great time to look back at your life. Think of the people you have love and lost. Think of the people you have met along the way who have changed you. This may be the perfect moment to thank them for everything they have done. Take time, make some calls today. I'm sure that they will appreciate it, and it'll make you realize that you have met some amazing people in your life and will keep meeting and finding friendships in wonderful people.

And just remember to relax and enjoy the ride. Remember to not sweat the small stuff because in the end, it doesn't matter. It's all small things, life goes on, troubles come and go. Remember that you always have people to lean on and that when the going gets tough, don't be afraid to ask for help.

And be happy. That's all the matters in the end. Be happy.

Lots of love and good luck in the future.

Your past self