Saturday, December 31, 2011

7 Years...

Dear Mom,

Every year, without fail, this day arrives with some pain. And every year, there has been struggles and triumphs that I wonder what would have happen if you were here with me to hold me and to celebrate with me.

I do miss you mom, so much. But I have come to the point in my life that I know I carry you with me everywhere I go, and that is enough to not make your loss something that holds me back from living life. I live it for you, with you here in my heart.

This year has been tough. Secrets have come out about family members I didn't expect. Lots of tears were shed, a new grief was given to me. But you know what, I made it through and at the end of the year, I can sit here and write you the yearly letter as I look back. We all have trials and tribulations and though in earlier years I didn't see the hope...this year I do. See, I can see the end of another chapter. College graduation is in a year and a half. I can finally start to see what I want to do with the rest of my life. I see happiness and I see hope. It's been a long time. I know I will make you proud, I see the ability to finally.

And it feels amazing. Remember I promised you that I would graduate. Well, I'm getting there mom. I truly am. And I plan on going on and becoming a Doctor. Yes, I am going to be Dr. Moore. Isn't that awesome? It really has an amazing ring to it!

And I know that you want me to be happy, and I'm getting there. Now I KNOW you have been trying to give me those signs I so beg for. And I think you tried so hard, and it took both Kevin and I some time to figure out those signs. You sent Kevin into my life at one of those times where I was hurting very, very bad. And he is my best friend. I am so happy that we are now together. I know that you had something to do with that, you're so devious. But thank you. You kept me from killing a million people because I was so angry, sad and lonely. You gave me someone to love when I had lost so much love in my life. He's my best friend, he knows my life, he knows my troubles, he knows the baggage that I carry and the scars that I have. But he's not afraid of that. This may be one of the best gifts you have ever given me.

And even if it doesn't work out in the end, it's okay because for now, I am happy. Thank you.



P.S. This is my song for you this year. Before it has been so depressing, but this song really talks about the journey I have been through to get here. And yes, I will see you again, just a long time from now.

Hello I'm in Delaware
City And Colour/Dallas Green

So there goes my life
Passing by with every exit sign
It's been so long
Sometimes I wonder how I will stay strong
No sleep tonight
I'll keep on driving these dark highway lines
And as the moon fades
One more night gone, only twenty more days

But I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now

And there goes my life
Passing by with every departing flight
And its been so hard
So much time so far apart
And she walks the night
How many hearts will die tonight
And will things have changed
I guess I'll find out in seventeen days

But I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now

My body aches, 
and it hurts to sing, 
and no one is moving
And I wish that I weren't here tonight, 
but this is my life

And I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now

And I will see you again
I will see you again a long time from now

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

It Just Seems Unusual

What seems unusual you may ask? I mean, what unusual thing could happen to this college girl? just seems unusual.

I can't complain in about life to tell you the truth. I can't sit here and tell you another sob story about some shit that has happened. And that's what seems so unusual. Yes, I know that I have glossed over things on here, I've been vague on Facebook (if I included anything at all) but it's because you don't want to hear about it. was not as kind as it seemed to me in 2011.

I'm not going to say that 2011 was a horrible year. No, not at all. There were much worse years for me (2004 and 2009 seem to come up rather boldly in my mind) and well there were many things to celebrate in 2011. But it just seems unusual how happy I've been over the past week or so.

Happiness, true happiness is a wonderful thing. When you find yourself smiling (and a genuine one at that) randomly throughout the day, you know that happiness has visited you. You hope that it stays for awhile, makes itself home and keeps you feeling the warm and fuzzies on the inside.

Again, for the first time in a long time, I feel beautiful. I feel wanted. I feel brave. I feel like I can conquer anything and it was thanks to two separate people over the past week or so.

And I know, you want to hear all about this boyfriend I have. Guess what, it is now time. 2009 was a horrible year for me for many different reasons, but I lost love in 2009. That was the last relationship I had and it left a lasting impression on me for a long time. But in fall 2009 when I came back to school scarred from life over the summer, I also met Kevin. We became best friends and have been ever since. I realized I had feelings for him about a year ago and I thought he had feelings for me, but I don't know, he never read the SIGNS! (Which was the frustrating part of the whole situation...I tried so hard for so long!) But then things happened at my Christmas party last week and I thought it would happen....then he ran! So, I had to do a little chasing (hey it's the 21st century, the girl can chase a boy nowadays) and after we finally admitted to each other that we wanted it to happen, it did.

And I have been so happy. It's so wonderful having a boyfriend (just that is wonderful) but also one who is your best friend. He knows my life, he knows my struggles, my triumphs, my baggage and he isn't scared to take them me with me. It's going to be a journey for both him and I, and I'm so glad to not be alone in it right now.

As for the other person, that would be Mr. Zac. Zac and I have "known" each other since high school but never really knew each other. To tell you the truth, Zac wasn't the nicest person to me in high school, though he now admits that he wasn't a very nice person then. (and as I KNOW Kevin is reading this right now, no worries, I have no plans of ever doing anything behind your back.) But Zac and I talked for several hours Tuesday morning as I worked my 5 to 9 am shift. And I found myself sharing with Zac things that few know about me, Kevin being one of those other people who know them. We talked about 2009, we talked about life and well...Zac made me realize that I truly am strong.

See, I don't see the battles in my life as struggles, I just see them as normal occurrences. It's sad to know that things just happen and fuck shit up in my life all the time that I'm accustomed to being in fight mode and making it through. I just wake up in the morning. I find the best in each situation. I keep myself going towards goals. That is my life, I know no different. But I don't see it as inspirational, I don't see myself as strong, I just see myself as Amelia and my life being my life.

But that morning, Zac told me I was he was the one who commented on my parent post about how I was his hero, and that I deserve to be happy. That just seems weird to me still because you know, I just keep plodding through life, making it past things. And to say I'm not scarred would be a blatant lie. I have scars that will never fade, I have scars that are still healing. These scars can't be seen, but I feel them. Oh, do I feel them.

But, Zac told me that I don't let myself fall into the pit of darkness that I once was in. I don't let that happen. I keep going and finding the positives. And to him, that is strength. 

This past week has been full of so much positivity and happiness that I don't even know what to think. Maybe Karma is finally like, "I've stopped PMS'ing on you for awhile, go forth and be happy for awhile." And I'm okay with that. In the past week I've gotten a boyfriend, a random check from Uncle Dave, caught myself smiling more than normal (or maybe felt the smiles more now that I wasn't using them as a mask) and just felt joy. It's a wonderful thing. And this new found feeling of happiness has been so welcome after such a long time.

Maybe someday I'll share with the public at large about 2009, about what happened, and about why it's taken this long to find another. For now, just be glad to hear that life is good, things are happening, I am healing and life is moving on. That's all that matters.

Happy Holidays to all, if I don't get on here before. The next week and a half are pretty busy, I'm sure I'll have lots to talk about at a later time!

Have Some Songs!
1. The One that Got Away- Katy Perry
2. Boy With A Coin- Iron and Wine
3. the Scientist- Coldplay
4. Hello, I'm Delaware- City and Colour
5. Heartbeat- The Fray
6. Cosmic Love- Florence & The Machine
7. Happy X-Mas (War is Over)- Shinedown <--- OOOOHH LOOK! A Christmas Song, WHA-?

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Those Christmas Lights, They Light Up The Streets...

So Friday night came with the great Christmas party that I had been planning since the middle of November. And actually it didn't feel like a Christmas party even, only the food was festive.

But it was full of amazing food (my turkey turned out really good...which I am glad. I think I'll make it that way often), lots of laughs and some amazing times. I love my friends. I love how we can come together and end two of some really bad weeks for me in one night of happiness. We were up til the early morning hours and it was so worth it. 

Sometimes you just gotta let go, let your feelings out there and live life. That's what I did and it felt wonderful. I got to see Luna for the first time in a long time...and it was wonderful. After half the party fell asleep, we sat in the living room talking about life, love (and the pursuit of happiness...okay maybe not haha) but it was nice to just be able to talk to her again.

Seriously, I can't say this enough...I LOVE my friends.

Here have some pics I took in like 5 minutes because I forgot my camera for the most part (my mind was rather occupied!) but I got some good stuff!

Molly and I seem to take nice pictures :)

Tanisha and I. ROOMIES <3
Oh Tanisha, this makes me laugh!

Me and Abijah :) I love the antlers

Kevin and I!

Yeah...don't mess with Abijah haha
And for those of you who came on this blog to hear more about me now having a boyfriend. Yes, it is true. Yes, it is the Kevin in these pictures and yes I am very happy. More will come on that later'll just have to stop in another day! :)

Music for the Weekend:
1. Come on Get Higher- Matt Nathanson
2. The One That Got Away- Katy Perry
3. Boy With a Coin- Iron & Wine
4. Comin' Home- City and Colour
5. How to Save A Life- The Fray
6. City Hall- The Fray
7. The Scientist- Coldplay
8. Christmas Lights- Coldplay

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Oh Wait, I'm Almost Done?

So, guess what, I have hit the cusp of finals week. I have made it to the point where I can look back and be like, "lookie there, I CAN actually finish this semester."

And I had moments of doubt. The past week has just been pretty blah with the things happening in my life, the calls to lawyers (Thank GOD that I am finally sorting out some of my past mistakes), the things I have been finding out about family, being in and out of feeling ill and the fact that I had all these papers and tests to do. It has been a hellish time getting through exams. I'm gonna admit, I thought about quitting it all and joining the circus. I could be an acrobat right? RIGHT?

Okay, so maybe not that drastic, but I did at one point ponder what would happen if I just never left my bed. This is what I came up with:

A) I would lose my job...and inversely the little income I DO have coming in to help me get by. Without that, I may just have to do things I am no proud of to be able to live.

B) Fail classes. And then I probably wouldn't go back if I just quit and so I would never graduate and it would spiral out of control to where I have no job...see A.

So I decided, this wasn't the best option. So I got up, put that Amelia smile back on and went on with my day. It doesn't mean that I haven't had days where I was all over the place. OH MY GOD, I think I cried gallons of tears yesterday, for no reason, other than my brain wanted to bring up all this family drama and shit that happened in the past, beat me over the head with it, drag me around a little bit, spit on me in the face, maybe poke me in the ribs a few times with it and make me cry. I don't know how it started, but it ended with a VERY public rant on this lovely website that ended in lots of feelings being shared from all angles and one of the most viewed blog posts ever in this website. (If you didn't think I was following who read what, you are wrong. I know how many read this website...per post...and where they live. Yes, I know, kinda creepy, but you know a girl is curious)

But it always gets better. Once I got it all out, I talked it all out with several awesome people in my life and spent some time getting past it; I am MUCH better today and I totally just p'wned my French exam.

And as I was walking out of that 5th floor classroom to go home, I realized that I'm almost done. I have one exam online to do and a paper to fix and print out...I don't even have to write it, it's mostly written. I can do this, I can finish the semester and get it done with.

Onto the future:

  • Recently I've been looking into graduate programs. I think there may be one in lovely Chicago that I want to apply to (as well as the 2 schools in the whole state of Michigan that offer the same program...lame.) But it means I need to take the GRE (BLARGH!) which means I need to get practice books and get going on this STAT. (So if there is anyone out there who wants to save me the cost and buy me study books for Christmas, I would probably shower you with so much appreciation that you'll get annoyed...but it means I love you forever).
  • This Friday is my Christmas party. I decided, get all my friends together, have some drinks, laugh, enjoy, eat some amazing food. Sound familiar? kinda happened for my birthday but WHO CARES! Who even needs a reason to party? I don't, but I at least made it legit sounding (it's called Fuckin' Awesome Christmas Party...why? Because I felt like swearing, I felt like it was fitting, and's going to be amazing.) I have a 13 lb turkey I am going to attempt to cook on the stove (I found recipes), I made homemade cranberry sauce the other day with fresh cranberries (I'll put the recipe below as I made it up and it's GENIUS!) and food is going to happen. Can't wait, I need some fun after the past bit of life.
  • BREAK IS ALMOST HERE! Which means, NO HOMEWORK, NO CLASSES, NO GETTING UP UNLESS I AM WORKING, and FRIEND TIME. I need this badly. Actually I just need sleep badly, sleep and some fun times. I'm so ready for this to be reality.
  • France is not going to happen...poo...but I don't know. Maybe eventually, down the road and around a corner, I'll end up there and get to spend some time with that culture. I need to, it's on the bucket list to say the least.
  • and in my near future: SLEEP! I stayed up til 4 am talking to Tanisha, and well, I had to get up at 10 for my exam. I'm tired.

It's not fun living in the past anyway. So to move forward from the day that my mind decided it was going to live in the past, I am thinking in the future. The past is over, there is nothing we can do to change it. But the future is at our biding, we can change it at every second. Each second we are given is a gift, you just have to see that. No hard feelings for yesterday?

Music for Today:
1. Who's They- Daughtry
2. Someone Like You/Rumor Has It- Glee
3. I Want You- Kings of Leon
4. Drumming Song- Florence And The Machine
5. Everything But Me- Daughtry
6. Lovesong- Adele
7. Our Swords- Band of Horses
8. Some Trust- The Fray
9. Lovers in Japan- Coldplay

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Hi, I'm Amelia, and These are NOT my Parents.

I seem to remember a moment in high school when I was at a solo and ensemble event, and a judge was talking to me about a wonderful performance, and they asked if Uncle Dave and Aunt Debbie were my parents. Not knowing what they would want to say, and I'm sure they were unsure of what I thought of them at this point of my life, an awkward silence ensued. At one point, I looked at the judge and said they were my aunt and uncle.

See, in essence, I no longer have parents. See, there is a story behind each of my parents leaving my life and both are full of much heartache and have caused me to grow up much before the time I was supposed to grow up. You can say that I lost my innocence a little due to the circumstances that my parents flitted in and out of my life. I will make this clear, though Uncle Dave and Aunt Debbie took me into their home for pretty much 5 years of my life, they will not now, nor will they ever be my parents. I will never call them mom or dad, and I won't think of them that way. See, my parents were a part of my life I won't forget. Though both left my life in completely difference circumstances, they still left something with me I'll always remember. 

You may ask why I am even writing this post this morning. Why talk about things that most people would try to put behind them? Well, for one, this is one of the ways I work through things. I write it all out. And for another, I know there are several people who actually read this blog who still don't understand my feelings on the deaths of my parents, and I feel as if they need to understand. There was a lot of mystery around both of their deaths in my family, and I don't even think they know as much as I know. But here goes.

The Secret

My father messed up. He messed up horribly. In a fit of rage, he landed himself in prison for most of my childhood. At that point, my mother separated with him and we saw him every so often in trips down to the prison and weekly phone calls. That was my childhood. Therapy for the actions her committed right in front of my young eyes (and yes, I do remember that day pretty clearly still), school and trips down to Jackson to see him every so often. He called once a week, talked to my brother and I. He sent cards on holidays. That was how my relationship with my father went for years.

When he was released from prison, he moved to Florida to live with relatives. The calls slowed and eventually the cards stopped. The last time I saw my father alive was in August 2004. He paid for my brother and I to come down to see him in Florida. I was angry at him for not being a part of my life that I admit that I used him. He tried really hard, and bought me things. In essence, he was trying to buy my love. I regret having him do that for me, but at the time, 13 years old and angry that I didn't have a normal life, I thought it was okay. We all make mistakes.

After that, I heard very little from my father. Mom passed away later that year and the last time I talked to my father was in November 2005, when out of the blue he called to talk to me. We hadn't talked since before mom's death and I didn't know what to take of this phone call. I didn't know what to talk about anymore with the man. It ended awkwardly.

And that was it. For years I thought my father was dead. I knew that he was sick at one point. In one call from a case worker, I was told he was sick in Detroit. One phone call I'm sure Uncle Dave never knew that I picked up. But I thought he passed after that. No one ever told me for sure. Uncle Dave gruffly mentioned my father's worsening sickness on our way to school one morning and gave me pretty much nothing to go off of. I didn't ask questions, I had been told by Uncle Dave and Aunt Debbie that my father was a horrible man. One of the threats Aunt Debbie always held over my head when she was yelling at me was, "you're lazy, like your father," or "do you want to end up like your father because that's right where you're headed."

I heard little about him since that December in high school that we received the call....until this past March. Out of the blue, my Aunt Shirley (dad's sister-in-law) finds me on Facebook and sent me a message saying she was trying to get in contact with me and my brother and left a phone number. So I called her back as fast as I could get to the phone, and she told me the news. My father had died. I knew this was coming, I just didn't expect how much it would effect me and the nightmare that would hold for the next few days of secrets being released from all over my family.

You think of a family as people who will share you their secrets, who will tell you important things in your life. You would never expect them to keep something like your father's passing from you for so long. I post a status on Facebook saying that I knew my father had passed, may he rest in peace, etc. and those family members that had been holding it came right out of the woodwork. This is probably one of the most painful moments of this past year. So according to the Aunt Shirley, he passed away in December 2010 and she wanted my brother and my permission to cremate him and lay him to rest with my grandparents. After I calmed down, I was okay with this, it was the right decision for the situation and I told her that though I couldn't pay for any of it, I will sign the papers so that she had the ability to do it herself. It was Aunt Linda who first contacted me about it. In essence we got to talking on Facebook about it and she said in the chat that she had known at Thanksgiving the past year but didn't want to ruin my good time with the news, and that he passed on October 15th.

This sent me in another tizzy, because here was my aunt telling me that she didn't want to ruin the holidays (which are already still ruined for me...but I'll talk about that later) for me but I had the RIGHT to know that my father had died, he was my father. So I cried it out for a little while longer.

At this time I was bitter with them but I put it aside for a couple days. The Wednesday after that (2 days later) I was online again and Aunt Rosalie pops on and starts talking to me. Remember during all this, I "knew" that his body was being stored in cold storage in Detroit and that no body had stepped forward to do anything about it. Aunt Rosalie and I get talking and in the end, I learn that he hadn't passed away in 2010. No actually, my father passed away in early 2009 and at this point he has been stored in Detroit for 2 years. At this point I was livid. If all the family members knew he had passed, why didn't they let the Moore side know about it (because Aunt Shirley had only recently found out) if they didn't want to do anything about it. I KNOW my father messed up his life, but he paid for what he did, and no matter what he did, he deserved to be buried in the ground.

So once again, I was set off in a whirlwind of emotions. For one, it was kept from me for 2 years, two years where I was of age (over 18) and could have contacted other side of the family members to get things done. For another, no one deserves to be left there like they left him. NO ONE. 

The last of the aunt's to discuss this with me was Aunt Anne. I don't blame her, or actually any of the aunts for this, but it doesn't mean I was angry. She finalized that the date of his death was March 15, 2009. We also discussed why I was never told. According to her, they all (Uncle Dave, Aunt Linda, Anne, Jane, etc) discussed what to do when they found out and decided that Aunt Linda would tell my brother and Uncle Dave would tell me. Now, at that time, I was no longer living at Uncle Dave's house. I want to put this out there that even though he was set on the task to tell me, he never called me to even ask me to come over to discuss an important matter, he never called me to let me know anything. While my brother knew everything, I was left in the dark. All the aunts thought I knew since naturally Aunt Linda told Josh pretty quickly. I never knew until March 21, 2011; just past 2 years of his passing.

It was a secret that never needed to be kept. According to what I later learned, my father spent about the last year of his life on life support before passing away from multiple organ failure. He was living off the state. They thought that I would want to try to take him in if I knew...but they didn't think I was smart enough to know that I didn't have the resources to care for someone who was on constant life support. But I guess according to Uncle Dave, I wasn't "mature" enough to handle these matters. Am I mature enough now, as I deal with a secret that didn't need to be kept? Did you think you were protecting me? I was always curious, he was my father and at one point in my life, I loved him dearly, and you thought I wouldn't ever wonder if he was biding his time out there. What about when I was getting married? If he was alive, I would want him to be there. He was my father no matter what. But, the grief process over him was prolonged and given more pain than it needed to.

This is how I lost my father, someone I never knew.

The reason I will always dislike the holiday season.

I don't blame my mother for ruining the holiday season for me, it isn't her fault that it was the time she got sick. It wasn't her fault that she got sick in general. The woman was a saint and she didn't deserve anything she got at the end of her life.

Rewind back to late 2004. I was a freshman in high school, I had just turned 14, and I knew my mother was going to die. I don't think a lot of people knew that I knew, but you know how you see someone and you have a feeling they don't have a long time left, I felt that way when I went to see my mother in the hospital on my birthday that year. I didn't think she had much longer to live. It wasn't long after that when she stopped working at Lesley Elisabeth because she was too ill. After Thanksgiving, I remember her being so sick, and even throwing up several times on the trip home from Aunt Linda's. Not long after that, she spent her days at home.

And when Christmas break rolled around, I became my mother's caretaker. I had done it all my life since the moment she got sick. I stepped up and cooked, I tried to clean (but wasn't very good at it...) and I took care of her as much as I could. It's what I did. But I was also a young teenager, I shouldn't have had to carry that burden at that age.

But I did. I was always 3 steps behind her no matter where she went. I did everything I could for her to make her life easier. So when she was bedridden in December 2004, it's what I did. I helped her in and out of bed, I made her meals and I tried my hardest to give her her Christmas present she wanted, a clean house. I had little help from my brother at this time, he was always down at Ryan's house down the road. It was just me and mom in the house all the time.

I tried my hardest, you have no idea. Remember, I was FOURTEEN years old. When the phone calls started rolling in telling me I wasn't doing enough, I about broke. Those who were telling me this didn't see what I did for her. They weren't there to watch their mother dying in front of their eyes. My mother had a lot of pride, and wouldn't ask for help, which left me there trying to do everything that some adults can't even handle. I remember that year because we didn't have a tree up at all, not even the small one that we had the year before. Our Christmas present was a VISA gift card and that was it. On Christmas morning, I didn't open presents, I just got up and made breakfast for mom like normal. 

At the family Christmas party that year, Aunt Linda also cornered me and said I was being selfish and not caring for my mother well enough. I was just trying to deal with the emotions that were going on at the time. I was over my head. I just didn't know how to tell them this. That night Molly came over and it was about the only reprieve that I had from the whole situation. I remember the next morning, mom told me to take Molly into town on the GLTA and see a movie, so we did. Uncle Dave and Aunt Debbie came and took us to dinner afterwards. It was the first fun I had had in a long time.

But when I got home, my brother cornered me. When I was gone, mom tried to get up to go to the bathroom herself and had fallen. Luckily he had come home and found her. I still feel guilty for that moment. But I was FOURTEEN (and I will always say that) and well...I was in a situation that no 14 year old should be in. I wasn't qualified for what I did for my mother. I felt so alone. 

I remember calling my friend Courtney one night later that week and telling him I wanted to kill myself. I couldn't deal with the situation anymore, and he sat there on the phone and talked to me for over 3 hours as I cried like I never cried before. The next morning, family members were in the house preparing the plans for my brother and I and the trust fund and mom had an ambulance take her to the hospital later that morning.

The next couple days were a whirlwind. I remember seeing my mom in the hospital as she signed over guardianship....and she could barely hold the pen. My last words to her were "I love you mom." I heard the word hospice swirling around. I cried into Aunt Linda's shoulder outside her room one morning. 

One the afternoon of my mother's death, December 31, Aunt Debbie and I were shopping at Fashion Bug. After the trip, I remember her calling Uncle Dave back and saying, "Well that's really unfortunate. Okay, I'll let her know." When we got back to their house (and what would be my house for the next 5 years) she turned to me in the car and told me the news that my mother had passed away. 

I spent several hours in my cousin Kari's room crying. I had lost my mother, my rock, the person I talked to about everything. The world was so strange to me. Later we went down to Todd and Michelle's for the weekend. The next Monday was the funeral, packing it in as fast as we could so Josh and I missed as little school as possible. Over the next weeks, I was moved into a new house, with new family members, and nothing made sense. None of it. I later wanted to get out of it all, I didn't like living with my Aunt and Uncle. I didn't understand why all the shit had to happen to me.

Every year when I hear Christmas music, I start to turn inside. To say I am the most depressed around the holidays would be a truth. Every Thanksgiving, I think of mom when I go to Aunt Linda's. I can never forget her in the kitchen making pies. Every Christmas song I hear makes me cringe because I can never forget the memories of 2004 and how the holidays were a traumatic experience for me. While others were at parties and celebrating, I watched my mother slowly fade away before my eyes. I watched a strong woman, who used to take us on week long vacations hiking in the woods, become someone too weak to get out of bed. I watched the strongest person I'll ever know turn into someone I didn't even recognize. 

So, now whenever someone asks about my parents, I don't know what to say. Do I tell them they are deceased? Do I just nod and keep going? It hurts, because normally someone would go on and on about theirs, but it hurt to go on about them. Nights like last night, I find myself randomly crying because it hurts, it hurts pretty badly. I don't have parents. When I graduate college, they won't be there to hug me. They won't be "there" at my wedding, which puts me in a predicament of who to walk me down the aisle. Do I go alone? I can't just call them up and tell them about life.

But I do know they are always there, in spirit. it hurts to not have them here all the time, but you make due with what you have in life. I am strong because of what I have lost, but I am strong because of what I have gained as well. Life may have dealt me some shitty cards, but in the end, I feel like I've played them the best that I could considering the circumstances.

And I hope, in the end, that's all that I'm remembered for.
My father, brother and I.
Henry Moore: 2/29/48-3/19/2009

My mother, brother and I.
Catherine (Proulx) Moore: 2/27/57-12/31/2004
The Music:
1. Free Bird- Lynyrd Skynyrd
2. The Funeral- Band of Horses
3. Heaven Forbid- The Fray
4. Songs from the Wood- Jethro Tull
5. My Party- Kings of Leon
6. Is There a Ghost- Band of Horses
7. Break the Spell- Daughtry
8. Hurts Like Heaven- Coldplay
9. The Suffering- Coheed and Cambria
10. Just Stay Here Tonight- Augustana
11. Happy X-Mas (War is Over)-  The Fray

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Happier Notes

So, I know that post earlier was rather...depressing, but I put it there so that if something were to happen to me, it could be referred to if other documents weren't in place.

ANYWAY! It has been almost 2 weeks since I actually wrote something on here that was, well, my life. So a little update on what I call my life.

I have had 2 band performances in the past week, and another one in 12ish hours. I'm ready to be done with that, I have been having some issues with tendonitis in my wrists (especially the right one) for several weeks now (since the weather finally decided to be winter and get cold) and it'll be nice to give my hands a break for a couple weeks.

As for other things, school has been driving me crazy, I have had so many papers to write, homework assignments to do, presentations to perform, and tests to take. Though I have gotten most of my papers for the semester done, there are still 3 exams and another paper to finish before I'm done. I'm ready for the semester to be over. It hasn't been horrible, I'm just at the point where I need some time to myself.

So this week brings the last day of classes, 3 exams and my Christmas Party with my friends. We wanted to rehash the birthday party so its going to be an awesome night of merry making. I'm making a 13 pound turkey and we're just going to celebrate the season.

I find that if I occupy my time, I don't get as down as I used to this time of year. Yes, I'm not a fan of Christmas still, we probably won't end up with a tree because I don't want to decorate it, and there are very few Christmas ornaments in our apartment, but every year it gets a little easier. Mom wouldn't want me to get down at this time of year, and well, it's still a work in process but it just isn't as painful as it once was to not have her here. I think I'd make her proud.

ANYWAY, if I don't get on here before they come up. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Boxing Day, Happy New Year and overall...HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Now go enjoy some time with your family and friends!

My 5 Wishes For The Hardest Part of My Life.

I am not putting this on here because I think I am dying. I am also not putting this on here because I plan to kill myself or anything like that. I do not even want to think about me dying because I'm no where near done living. BUT, I am putting this up here so that it is here if something were to happen. Maybe in the coming years I'll put these in legal writing, talk to family members, get this all laid out. But at this time in my life, as I don't have much at stake if something unfortunate were to happen, I am putting this here so that maybe if I were to pass for some random reason all of the sudden, someone will refer back to this and use it for those decisions. I understand if none of you actually want to read it, that is fine. I'm putting it up here for me.

Here are my 5 wishes, as referred to at I had to write these up as part of an assignment for my Psychology of Death class and I felt that it should be shared with those that I am closest with since a lot of thought was put into each answer for the part of my life I am in right now. I love you all.

If you don't wish to read on, I understand. It's hard to think about these decisions in life. It goes against our nature. 

1.    Which person you want to make health care decisions for you when you can’t make them.

At this point in my life, I ask to have health care decisions made by someone who isn't Uncle Dave and Aunt Debbie. I understand that they are my "next of kin" as in my guardians until I was 18 years of age, but I don't think they know me at this point in my life, to carry out the wishes that I detail below.

2.      The kind of medical treatment you want or don’t want

This has always been a tough thing for me to think about.  Regarding the end of my life, here are several things I would like if I can’t decide for myself:
·         I do not want to be in pain, and I understand that if I am given pain medication to ease whatever pain I may be experiencing, it may make me drowsier and I may sleep more than I normally do.
·         I don’t want any extraneous life support treatments done. Meaning, if there is not a very good chance that I am going to come out of coma/incapacitation and be able to live a life where I will be free of medical implements (i.e. ventilator, feeding tube, or any kind of device that will impinge on my ability to live a life outside of home, hospital or other medical facility), then I would like life support removed. I do not want to be kept alive in a coma like situation (unless it was induced medically to promote healing) where I am basically stated as brain dead by physicians, I do not wish to continue living and I wish to have life support removed. I wish to have CPR, antibiotics and surgeries only if there is still a chance of full recovery (as in they are able to revive me before too much damage is made to the brain where full recovery is not expected and function returning is doubtful.) 
·         I would like to be offered food and fluids by mouth, and kept clean and warm.

3.      How comfortable you want to be.

For this one, I am just going to copy the bullets out of the 5 wishes that I wish to have (and I may elaborate on each on in my own wants. I’ll add them in (parentheses)

·         I do not want to be in pain. I want my doctor to give me enough medicine to make me comfortable. I understand that this may make me drowsier and sleep more. I am okay with that.
·         If I show signs of depression, nausea, shortness of breath, or hallucinations, I want my care givers to do whatever they can to help me. (Don’t be afraid to talk to me because even if I can’t respond well, I am listening and want to have some sort of social interaction as long as I can.)
·         I wish to have a cool, damp cloth put on my head if I have a fever. (But if I seem to not enjoy this, please remove the cloth.)
·         I want my lips and mouth kept moist to stop dryness. (Ice chips are wonderful things! They may help me cool down if I have a fever.)
·         I wish to have warm baths often (I understand this is hard, but please try to do it a couple times a week). I wish to be kept fresh and clean at all times.
·         I wished to be massaged with warm oils as often as I can be (but only on the arms and legs as allowed by medical implements (IVs, catheters, etc.)
·         I wish to have my favorite music played when possible until my time of death. (This is very important to me. I have an iPod for a reason, use it!)
·         I wish to have personal care as long as they do not cause me pain or discomfort. (The kind of personal care I wish are: hair brushing, nail clipping, teeth brushing, “freshening up” as much as possible)
·         I do (not) wish to have religious readings read aloud when I am near death. (I would enjoy a book if at all possible.)
·         (I wish to explore my options for hospice care so that I can have a peaceful death and get support for those family members and friends that may need it at my time of death. Only if this an option)

4.      How you want people to treat you

·         I wish to have people with me when possible. I want someone to be with me when it seems that death may come at any time. (Unless the individual is uncomfortable with the idea, I wish that they be asked, if that ability to do so is available, if they are comfortable sitting there until death has happened.)
·         I wish to have my hand held and to be talk to when possible, even if I don’t seem to respond to voice or touch. (Please don’t forget this. I would like to hear stories of your day, or something that happened. Even if you don’t talk to me, if there are several people in the room, feel free to talk normally amongst yourselves just so I feel included by being there until the end.)
·         (If you wish to pray, you may do so by my side whenever you feel like it. If you don’t want to or are uncomfortable with prayer, no worries, I don’t want to obligate you with prayer.)
·         I wish to have members of my faith community told that I am sick and asked to pray for me and visit me. (I have many friends who are religious. I ask for you to let them know, even through social networking websites, of my condition and ask for prayers.)
·         I wish to be cared for with kindness and cheerfulness, and not sadness. (I understand that this is a hard time in your life to be doing this. I am thankful for everything you do. But please, as I live my life with a hope and optimism for the future (and am known for my smile); please care for me in a similar manner. If I were to care for you in this time, I would do the same.)
·         I wish to have pictures of my loved ones in my room, near my bed.
·         If I am not able to control my bowel or bladder functions, I wish for my clothes and bed linens to be kept clean, and for them to be changed as soon as they can be if they have been soiled.
·         (I would rather not die in my home, I feel as if that would leave a lasting mark on the home and those in it. If I have the choice, I would rather pass in a hospital so that my family and friends don’t have memories of me dying in the home and in a certain room. These memories may become painful later)
·         (I would like to add, that at my time of death, I wish to have my friends and family members notified. I have told someone the passwords to my email, facebook and phone so that they may go through the task of letting those who wish to know of my passing.)

5.      What you want your loved ones to know

·         I wish to have my family and friends know that I love them.
·         I wish to be forgiven for the times I have hurt my family, friends, and others. (I wish for them to know that when you are young, you make mistakes and I hope that they will take that into account for all the things that have happened.)
·         I wish to have my family, friends, and others know that I forgive them for when they may have hurt me in my life. (To my Uncle Dave and Aunt Debbie: I am thankful for you taking me into your home when my mother passed away. I understand that you were only trying to care for me and protect me. I know that the situation was hard for you and that I was stubborn. I forgive you and I hope that we no longer have any hard feelings.)
·         I wish for all of my family members to make peace with each other before my death, if they can.
·         I wish for my family and friends to think about what I was like before I became seriously ill (or during the times when I was between illnesses). I want them to remember me in this way after my death.
·         I wish for my family, friends, and caregivers to respect my wishes even if they don’t agree with them.
·         I wish for my family and friends to look at my dying as a time of personal growth for everyone, including me. This will help me live a meaningful life in my final days.
·         I wish for my family and friends to get counseling if they have trouble with my death. I want memories of my life to give them joy, not sorrow.
·         After my death, I wish to have a funeral but to be cremated afterwards. (If cremation is decided, I ask for my ashes to be distributed in the way I detail below.)
·         My body and remains should be put in the following location: I know that the spreading of ashes is illegal in our state, but I wish for you to break one law one last time for me. I ask for my close friends: Katrina Graebert, Tanisha Maynie, Brittney Bertrand, Molly Proulx and Abijah Green, etc. (and possibly spouse if this shall happen); to get together (this can wait until my death isn’t so new), have a party in my honor, and decide which places to spread my ashes. Make sure to live it up, drink, eat and be merry. I ask for these places to be places that make them think of me, or places that they think I should be. All I ask is for some of my ashes to be laid to rest with my mom.  I understand that this is quite a challenge, but as a group, they are all amazing friends and this could be journey to healing that they could remember for the rest of their lives.
·         The following person knows my funeral arrangements: I have spoke of my wishes to Tanisha and Abijah. Should the time of my death arise, I hope that they come forward with my wishes.

If anyone asks how I want to be remembered, please say the following about me: I loved life and I am a true optimist.

If there is to be a memorial service, I wish for this service to include the following:

I wish to have my closest friends to share some of their favorite memories (no matter how inappropriate)

I wish to have a celebration of life, feel free to have music, drink, eat and be merry. Yes I may have passed on but I don’t want everybody to be depressed about it. I want to be remembered for the good times, not those that caused pain. 

I would
 really love to have “The Dance” by Garth Brooks played.

Other wishes:

If any of my organs are able to be donated to another, I wish for that to happen. I no longer need them and if I can save someone’s life, then I feel that it needs to happen.

I would like memorial contributions to be made foremost, if I have children, to a trust for their care. My mother did this for me when she passed and I am so thankful for that. If I should not be married and/or have children, I wish for donations to be made in my name to the American Cancer Society.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Hey Look, It's December Outside!

So, it's been a bit since I've posted on here. Life has been hectic! But this is what happens as the semester winds down and Christmas vacation happens. So, I shall try to play some catch up to bring everything back up to speed.

Well, the night of my last post, I got my first ticket. Yup, I got pulled over because one of my tail lights were out. I don't know if that dude in Chicago knocked it out, or if it was just the light's time to go, but it was out and I had no idea that it was. But it got worse, supposedly my license plate never transferred from my old car to my new one almost 2 years ago in the Michigan computer systems...and since I left my registration at home, they had to check to make sure that the car wasn't reported stolen. Awesome. Of course it wasn't and now I'm still dealing with this mess.

So then Thanksgiving came up and it was an enjoyable weekend for all. After fixing my taillight (so I could drive my car illegally but it not look like it), I went up north like my normal trip. I went up Wednesday for dessert day...and desserts did we have. SO MANY DESSERTS. But they were amazing. Thanksgiving was awesome, we crammed 18 people around one table...our bit of controlled chaos. I caught up with everyone. It was so nice. Friday was nice and relaxing. Katrina and I went into West Branch for some shopping. I got almost all of it done in a little under $50. Saturday we watched the big UM vs. OSU game and Michigan won (GO BLUE!). Then I drove home and saw some of my best friends. We went and saw The Muppets and laughed so hard.

Now I'm dealing with a cold (BOO!), studying for tests, writing papers, being sad because of the snow we got the other night. life. Here is a little more breakdown of the weekend:

  • Lots of Euchre was played. Mary needs to work on her skillz (yes with a z), but we still laughed so hard.
  • Don't get Robert a remote controlled helicopter. He got it stuck in Aunt Debbie's hair! 
  • We have a new drink, it's called Responsibly. So, we were drinking Responsibly (le ha)
  • Lots of naps were had.
  • There was no snow, so no snowmen this year. That was kinda sad. But it was beautiful the whole weekend. We even had a bonfire one night.
  • I got woken up by the cabin band...twice. A girl just can't sleep in anymore.

the AuSable. ALWAYS beautiful!
The dessert table on dessert day.
All us "kids"

My bro and his girl stopped by. That's her son with them.

Mary and I!

Being ridiculous....on a the river

We thought we'd just throw Robert in ;)
Recent Songs of Addiction (probably most Daughtry because I just got the CD!)
1. Gone Too Soon- Daughtry
2. Heartbeat- The Fray
3. We're Not Gonna Fall- Daughtry
4. Lullabye- Daughtry
5. Who's They- Daughtry
6. Simple Man- Lynyrd Skynyrd
7. Your Song- Elton John
8. The Dance- Garth Brooks
9. Crazy- Daughtry
10. Everything But Me- Daughtry
11. Louder Than Ever- Daughtry