What seems unusual you may ask? I mean, what unusual thing could happen to this college girl?
Life...life just seems unusual.
I can't complain in about life to tell you the truth. I can't sit here and tell you another sob story about some shit that has happened. And that's what seems so unusual. Yes, I know that I have glossed over things on here, I've been vague on Facebook (if I included anything at all) but it's because you don't want to hear about it. Life...life was not as kind as it seemed to me in 2011.
I'm not going to say that 2011 was a horrible year. No, not at all. There were much worse years for me (2004 and 2009 seem to come up rather boldly in my mind) and well there were many things to celebrate in 2011. But it just seems unusual how happy I've been over the past week or so.
Happiness, true happiness is a wonderful thing. When you find yourself smiling (and a genuine one at that) randomly throughout the day, you know that happiness has visited you. You hope that it stays for awhile, makes itself home and keeps you feeling the warm and fuzzies on the inside.
Again, for the first time in a long time, I feel beautiful. I feel wanted. I feel brave. I feel like I can conquer anything and it was thanks to two separate people over the past week or so.
And I know, you want to hear all about this boyfriend I have. Guess what, it is now time. 2009 was a horrible year for me for many different reasons, but I lost love in 2009. That was the last relationship I had and it left a lasting impression on me for a long time. But in fall 2009 when I came back to school scarred from life over the summer, I also met Kevin. We became best friends and have been ever since. I realized I had feelings for him about a year ago and I thought he had feelings for me, but I don't know, he never read the SIGNS! (Which was the frustrating part of the whole situation...I tried so hard for so long!) But then things happened at my Christmas party last week and I thought it would happen....then he ran! So, I had to do a little chasing (hey it's the 21st century, the girl can chase a boy nowadays) and after we finally admitted to each other that we wanted it to happen, it did.
And I have been so happy. It's so wonderful having a boyfriend (just that is wonderful) but also one who is your best friend. He knows my life, he knows my struggles, my triumphs, my baggage and he isn't scared to take them me with me. It's going to be a journey for both him and I, and I'm so glad to not be alone in it right now.
As for the other person, that would be Mr. Zac. Zac and I have "known" each other since high school but never really knew each other. To tell you the truth, Zac wasn't the nicest person to me in high school, though he now admits that he wasn't a very nice person then. (and as I KNOW Kevin is reading this right now, no worries, I have no plans of ever doing anything behind your back.) But Zac and I talked for several hours Tuesday morning as I worked my 5 to 9 am shift. And I found myself sharing with Zac things that few know about me, Kevin being one of those other people who know them. We talked about 2009, we talked about life and well...Zac made me realize that I truly am strong.
See, I don't see the battles in my life as struggles, I just see them as normal occurrences. It's sad to know that things just happen and fuck shit up in my life all the time that I'm accustomed to being in fight mode and making it through. I just wake up in the morning. I find the best in each situation. I keep myself going towards goals. That is my life, I know no different. But I don't see it as inspirational, I don't see myself as strong, I just see myself as Amelia and my life being my life.
But that morning, Zac told me I was he was the one who commented on my parent post about how I was his hero, and that I deserve to be happy. That just seems weird to me still because you know, I just keep plodding through life, making it past things. And to say I'm not scarred would be a blatant lie. I have scars that will never fade, I have scars that are still healing. These scars can't be seen, but I feel them. Oh, do I feel them.
But, Zac told me that I don't let myself fall into the pit of darkness that I once was in. I don't let that happen. I keep going and finding the positives. And to him, that is strength.
This past week has been full of so much positivity and happiness that I don't even know what to think. Maybe Karma is finally like, "I've stopped PMS'ing on you for awhile, go forth and be happy for awhile." And I'm okay with that. In the past week I've gotten a boyfriend, a random check from Uncle Dave, caught myself smiling more than normal (or maybe felt the smiles more now that I wasn't using them as a mask) and just felt joy. It's a wonderful thing. And this new found feeling of happiness has been so welcome after such a long time.
Maybe someday I'll share with the public at large about 2009, about what happened, and about why it's taken this long to find another. For now, just be glad to hear that life is good, things are happening, I am healing and life is moving on. That's all that matters.
Happy Holidays to all, if I don't get on here before. The next week and a half are pretty busy, I'm sure I'll have lots to talk about at a later time!
Have Some Songs!
1. The One that Got Away- Katy Perry
2. Boy With A Coin- Iron and Wine
3. the Scientist- Coldplay
4. Hello, I'm Delaware- City and Colour
5. Heartbeat- The Fray
6. Cosmic Love- Florence & The Machine
7. Happy X-Mas (War is Over)- Shinedown <--- OOOOHH LOOK! A Christmas Song, WHA-?