Friday, December 31, 2010

6 Years...

Six years. It doesn't seem that long since the moment you left me here on this Earth. I was talking to Tanisha the other day and I realized that it had been six years and I couldn't believe it.

There are moments when it seems like such a long time ago, but then there are other times that it feels as if it was yesterday.

A loss of a friend is one kind of pain. The loss of a distant relative is a different kind of pain. But it's the loss of a mother that leaves one with a kind of pain that may feel better at one time, but then sear the next. It's a pain that never seems to go away, it just isn't as bad at some times than it is at others.

And I really felt it this Christmas. This was the first Christmas that I didn't get to spend with my brother and it just felt so weird. Everything about this Christmas felt so wrong for once.

I started out at Molly's house. I started out there, in their humble home where they showed me so much love that morning. But it wasn't until my drive up to Mary's Grandma and Grandpa's house, that I felt the pain that hadn't been there for some Christmases. I was listening to 103.1 FM, our local oldies station because I couldn't stand (and haven't been able to for awhile) the Christmas music that was playing on every other station. I get half way to my destination and "Free Bird" came on the radio, and for the first time in a while, I realized how much I missed my mother. And I shed a few tears. I felt that pain that was there. I let those tears fall down my cheeks slowly and I just listened.

It was that moment that I was reminded that my mother was with me every step of the way.

And it was a rather somber Christmas. Grandma's Alzheimer's is so bad that she hardly even knows her own name and grandpa is not doing well either. I could tell that there aren't going to be many Christmases with either of them, if there are any more. That makes me sad.

So mom, as you reminded me on Christmas Day, thank you for everything you still do for me. Thank you for giving me everything you did when you were alive. Thank you for help shaping me into the person I want to be.

Six years...

And there will be many more. Many, many more. And there will be more events in my life that you won't be here in Earth to share with me. But I know you will always be there with me.

I wrote this before this time so I could have it published at the time you passed away. I hope that you feel my love because I do love you a lot. I miss you and I always will, but you will always be my momma, nothing will ever change that.

Lots of love...


In Loving Memory of Catherine Lee Moore (Proulx)

A Rant About Not Understanding

I guess I don't understand why all this had to happen.

I guess I don't understand why my heart still holds on.

But here I am, holding on to a thread of love that will never be returned by you again. You are dead, but I still want you here with me.

I don't understand why one day you were here, and then the next you had to be gone.

"Just like a crow chasing a butterfly, dandelion's lost in a summer sky. And you and I were getting high as outer space, I never thought you would slip away. I guess I was just a little too late."

I guess I don't understand why I loved you so much in the first place. I knew you were dying, why did I put so much into a relationship with you. I guess I don't understand why my heart chose to love you when I usually spend so much time protecting my heart from pain.

The kind of pain I am still at a year and a half later.

I guess I don't understand why my heart thought it was a grand time to make the jump into falling deeply in love with you.

I guess I don't understand why I always seem to be the one going through pain. I guess I don't understand why I'm always the one in need of support. I guess I don't understand why I was made the fighter. I guess I don't understand why God had to give me the chance to show all my courage.

I guess I don't understand why I was made a superwoman by some.

I'm just Amelia. I just want to be a normal person who doesn't have to fight for everything.

I guess I don't understand the gift that I have been given. I know it is a gift, not one that anyone would want, but a gift nonetheless. A gift that I learn, a keep learning. I guess I don't understand why it is always me.

I guess I don't understand why I feel so alone when I am not alone. I guess I don't understand why my happiness had to be torn from me a year and a half ago.

I guess I won't understand these questions for a long time...but for now, I will keep going on my path to continue to be the person I am, and keep fighting til the end.

"Where were you when everything was falling apart? All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang and all I needed was a call that never came to the corner of 1st and Amistad. Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me. Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded. Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you? Just a little late, you found me, you found me."

Boston- Augustana
Second Chance- Shinedown
You Found Me- The Fray

Monday, December 27, 2010

This Christmas

This Christmas was an interesting one for sure.

Started off on Christmas Eve when I went off to Molly's house. It was quite a lot of fun actually. We woke up Friday morning, went out to Past Tense and I got some yummy hot caramel apple cider (thanks Boesler)! Then off to Uncle Dennis' for their Christmas party (mmm ham!)

Then we went over to Ken and Mo's that night where I got to see a lot of the Smith's and had a good time. (I definelty learned a lot more about dog breeding than I ever wanted to know, but if you need any info, I'm YOUR girl :D )

Then Christmas morning came. Aunt Sue gave me pickles...and LOTS of them. I know, it seems a little weird but I LOVE pickles so I loved it. 

Then I was off to Christmas with Uncle Dave and Aunt Deb. This year, they had the celebration at Aunt Debbie's parent's house, who I call Grandpa and Grandma because of the fact that I lived with Uncle Dave and Aunt Deb for 4 years and they were like my grandparents. But, now that I had been away so much, I didn't know how bad things got. Grandma's Alzheimer's was getting really bad. She hardly knew her whole name, and family members took turns feeding her. And Grandpa wasn't doing well either. It's really sad when grandparents start declining with age. Though it was rather somber, we still had some funny moments. (like when we told grandma "You're beautiful!" And she looked right at us and said "I know!")

After dinner I went down to Todd and Michelle's house. I got there late enough that almost everyone was gone except for Todd, Michelle, the kids and Aunt Linda. We visited some and then almost everyone went their separate ways to bed. Though I did get to watch Vampire's Suck, which was funny but just ok.

This morning I was off and running. Off to Katrina's house where we took an expedition that landed up at Logan's Steakhouse in Madison Heights and then we visited her grandpa's grave before going to Starbucks. Then we went back to her house and then off to a party at Uncle Dave's house. There we played some Euchre and some dance game on the Xbox (which was awesome, I SO want the Xbox with Kinect!)

Then I went home and it's nice to be home. I put the Christmas tree away and got some stuff cleaned up.

All-in-all it was a pretty good Christmas. I'm glad to be home and in my own bed for the first time in several nights.

I hope your Christmas went well also :)

I've had this song stuck in my head since Katrina and I watched it earlier LMFAO!!! 

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Scholarship Essay

So today I was filling out my scholarship application for the University of Michigan-Flint, a application that puts me in the running for 100's of scholarships out there. Part of the application is a 1000 word essay that has to be written. I just started writing and it came to me, all of it. Here is what I wrote and what will be read by the scholarship committees:

I am applying for the scholarships from the University of Michigan-Flint. At this time, I am currently pursuing a double major, a BSN in Nursing (I am currently in the Pre-Nursing program) and a BA in Psychology. My ultimate goal is to become a Psychiatric Nurse. In my time here at the university, I have found my persistence, my hard-work, determination and my service to be big factors in my continued education.

Life has many courses and changes that happen often, sometimes daily. And it has been these changes that have shaped me into the person I am today. These changes happened when I was in high school, when I lost both of my parents to cancer. I had to learn to live with another family and I also had to decide where I was going to finish my education and what I wanted to do with my life. I don't have that parental support that many people have at this time in their life, and it's my persistence, my want to do well for my parents, in essence to make them proud, which keeps me going for the goal. To be able to say that I'm a "college graduate" someday will be one of the proudest moments in my life, and I know that they will be proud, no matter where they are.

But my path changed a lot in my 3 years here at the University of Michigan-Flint. When I started here, I wanted to be a Music Educator. Music has been a big part of my life for a long time, but it wasn't until I started working at a non-profit camp, The Fowler Center for Outdoor Education, where I spent my summer working with the physically and mentally handicapped, that I learned I wanted to help those who can't help themselves. At this camp. I was able to meet so many people who don't have the easiest of life, but the little things make them the happiest people I have ever met. We all have our problems, but these campers have so many that we can't even imagine. I got to spend a week or two with some of the most amazing people I have met in my life. They always woke up with a smile on their face. They loved you without really knowing you.

Through my 10 weeks at The Fowler Center, I learned more about myself than I had in 19 years of my life. I also learned what makes me happy. Though the work is hard (I still work once a month at respite weekends and plan on working all summer long), at the end of the day I could lay down and say that I made a difference. Over the summer, I helped people who never thought they would ride a horse because they were wheel-chair bound, ride a rather large horse. I helped some climb a rock wall. I realized I wanted to help people, and came back to the university with the goal to get my degree in psychology.

I may have moved around a lot, trying to find a home for me, but in the end, I still come back to the University of Michigan-Flint because the professor's here love what they are doing and I continue to learn, and really learn, from them. Though I haven't really reached out to the school and joined any clubs, I am a team leader for the University sponsored Relay for Life that happens every April. This walk, which means a lot for me because of the impact that cancer has had on my life, is something I hold dear to my heart. As a team leader, I organize fundraisers to earn money for the American Cancer Society. I find this, with all my studies to be time consuming. All of this takes hard work and determination to reach my goals. 

And I've set my goals rather high. With 2 majors, I added another year to my education here at the University. But, as some wouldn't do this, I feel it is the only way to learn about the human mind and also learn how to take care of those who can't. In becoming a Psychiatric Nurse, I can help those who didn't choose to be handicapped by a mental disease, but still show them the love that they deserve. People with mental disorders aren't monsters, they actually have a lot of love to show. I hope, sometime in my life, I can show at least one person who doesn't believe that statement and change the stigma that these individuals have.

So there you have it, all of these experiences have made me who I am today and have shaped me into the person I want to be. Along the way I have learned that a lot about myself, and have become a person who wants to go out and change the world for those who can't. I want to be a person to stick up for those who aren't allowed to voice their concerns. My education at the University of Michigan-Flint is just the first step to that goal.

A Rant of Anger

For the person this is directed at, I doubt she will ever read it, but I will not mention her name as I find it unfitting. 

One thing that peeves me off is when I set aside time for you, I change plans for you and I invite you to things where you "said" you will be there and then you don't show up. That is one thing that just really irks me. I have a friend who had planned on showing up tonight, she hadn't met my cousin yet and she really wanted to, and then she goes off with her other friends and forgets what she had said she was already going to do. I'm fine with the fact that she wanted to see her friends today, but she didn't let me know that she wasn't going to come out to the Tim Horton's run that she said she was going to.

And if you're  thinking that's nothing, well it is a lot. To my friends, we use our going out to Tim Horton's to rant, to get away from out frustrations, to have fun and to relax. Its a tradition that we have been doing for a long time and I hope it is something that continues. And I would have been fine with her not going if I had some warning. But the girl forgot it, even though I talked to her about it earlier in the day.

Then she plans on leaving tomorrow at like 10 am. For one, I asked her to stay in the dorms a couple extra days so that I could spend them with her before she went home for the holidays. It is lonely here by myself and I wanted some friend time. But she is planning on being gone all night. With her friends from high school.

And don't even get me started on you friends from high school. When me and my friends from high school get together, we don't sit and reminisce for HOURS. We might have a memory or two. But no, whenever her and her other friend, that I am quite good friends with get together, they sit there and talk about high school and how ridiculous everyone was and who they had crushes on. They don't let me have a word in at all. And when I find some memory to share, they look at me as if it has NOTHING to do with their conversation and then go back to their conversation. I don't know how many countless times I've sat there on my iPod listening to music and not saying a freaking word. Yeah it's nice going back every so often, but you don't have to do it freaking weekly. I'm sorry, but I didn't go to school with you. I didn't hang out with you in high school. I didn't even know you until college, I'm feeling a little left out here. And I don't have a high school friend to do the same with. And when I get together with my high school friends at Tim Horton's, we don't sit there talking about the old days. We talk about the internet, about life, about crazy stories that have happened, we tell jokes, we laugh, we act crazy, we play cards; all things that you can do WITH us without feeling excluded.

Ok...I needed to get that off my chest before I yelled everywhere.


Not really how I feel, but helps me deal with irkiness...I Hate Everything About You- Three Days Grace

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Beginning of a Crafter

So, my friend ryuluna has gotten me into crafting. And it has been GREAT for me! I found almost automatically that my stress levels have fallen. The first thing she introduced to me is swap-bot which allows one to swap different things with people all over the world. Though I have mostly done postcard and email swaps, I have also started journaling. I am currently hosting a swap for lyric journaling and I am also experimenting with one called a "Multiple Personality Journal." I started that one tonight with my first entry in it with the personality of a fairy that is rather angry...and sarcastic :) 

Luna first showed me the love for guerilla art with Wreck this Journal. I have come to start my own journaling through that. Here are some of my entries into my current journal.

This page was with help of some friends. I posted on Facebook, "How have you changed the world?" and I wrote out some of the responses that I liked. I have plans of asking this question often.

What a fun day! I was a member of Human Scrabble!

I drew this in about 10 minutes. It was one of those draw, and see what happens kind of pages. I find it beautiful even though others may not. This page has a lot of meaning to me.

How I began my journal. The note says to buy something inexpensive as a symbol as you need to create. And I said this journal was what I bought.

Luna has also taught me how to crochet and I have made a scarf. Though it isn't perfect, I still wear it proudly.

I feel there is much more of me to come with crafting.

Song right now: My Own Worst Enemy- Lit.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Christmas Lights

I am in the Christmas kind of mood. But at the same time, there are many different emotions that come into play at this time of year for me. For one, December is the month that many of my family members have died. Christmas is a time for family, and without a mother or a father, it can be hard for me. So today, there is this song that Coldplay released this year and I love it. It's not the same kind of pain, but it still shows so much pain but also triumph this Christmas.

Christmas Lights-Coldplay

Christmas night, another fight
Tears we cried a flood
Got all kinds of poison in
Poison in my blood

I took my feet
To Oxford Street
Trying to right a wrong
Just walk away 
Those windows say
But I can't believe she's gone

When you're still waiting for the snow to fall
Doesn't really feel like Christmas at all

Up above candles on air flicker
Oh they flicker and they float
But I'm up here holding on
To all those chandeliers of hope

Like some drunken Elvis singing
I go singing out of tune
Saying how I always loved you darling
And I always will

Oh when you're still waiting for the snow to fall
Doesn't really feel like Christmas at all

Still waiting for the snow to fall
It doesn't really feel like Christmas at all

Those Christmas lights
Light up the street
Down where the sea and city meet
May all your troubles soon be gone
Oh Christmas lights keep shining on

Those Christmas lights
Light up the street
Maybe they'll bring her back to me
Then all my troubles will be gone
Oh Christmas lights keep shining on

Oh Christmas lights
Light up the street
Light up the fireworks in me
May all your troubles soon be gone
Those Christmas lights keep shining on

Because no matter how much we are going through this holiday season, those Christmas lights will keep on shining all night long. They will keep on shining to show us that the love that comes with the season is still shining on, no matter how much we are going through. I have spent a few days with this song on a loop, I love it. 

Music has always been something that I can get lost in, that I can find a home in when I'm feeling alone. Music is also something that helps give me memories. I will share some of these memories someday on here...I promise! Music also expresses so much more than the words that are written as the lyrics. I thank God everyday for the gift of music.

So enjoy this beautiful song. Below is the link to the music video :)

Christmas Lights- Coldplay

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Welcome to Me!

So here I am. Writing here on my very first official "blog." And here I am also rather nervous about the experience.

Over the past few years, I have found that writing out my thoughts and feelings, what was on my mind. anything that is going on is therapeutic. It helps me make it through the next part of my day.

So here I am, writing a blog about it. Here I write the thoughts that come into my head. I write the feelings that keep me down or bring me up. I share stories. 

I was always told that my life is interesting. I was told that my story is one that needs to be shared with the population, but at the same time, I keep making my story. I am different person than I was 2 months ago and if I knew what I would be a year ago, I wouldn't believe it.

The human race is always evolving, sometimes there are times in our lives where we evolve slower than others. Then there are moments when we change daily. I have been there and experienced both kinds of dealing. I've learned coping strategies that many don't even understand until they are much older.

I feel that my pain is something that has shaped me into the person I am today. I don't think I could be as good of a friend, as good as a listener, unless I had to deal with the pain that I have experienced in my life. For some, they may think I am crazy because I thank God everyday for the pain He has made for me, for I wouldn't be anything of who I am today.

So, what to expect from me:
  • Lots of music references. Music is quite literally my life, and I find that what I am listening to says a lot about my mood. I may talk about a song, I may quote the lyrics, I may even link a youtube link. I find that a lot can be explained by what we say is our "song of the day." 
  • Talk about my family, my friends and also about topics that may seem a little uncomfortable. I talk about death, not because I want to die (no where near it) but because sometimes people have wrong thoughts about death, and because of this have feelings about death. Sometimes I feel that I need to explain my special feelings on the topic. I will also probably mention a lot about the deaths of certain people in my life. The feelings I went through, the feelings I am still going through everyday. Grief is a long process.
  • Boring things about everyday life.
  • Wit, I am rather witty person and have HILARIOUS stories! I shall share, I PROMISE!
  • And so much more...
So until next time, embrace life, and SMILE!

Current song on THE IPOD:  La Vie Boheme from Rent :)