Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts

Sunday, January 23, 2011

I Hate This...

Memories...


Why won't they fade away. There are moments at night when I wake up and I still believe you are here. That I'm going to climb out of bed, and there you'll face will be, smiling at me.


I remember running away with you. Going to a place far from friends, far from family, far from anyone I knew...but you. And life was just so carefree at that time. I didn't care what was going on. We didn't care. I hadn't been that happy in such a long time.


I remember that one night, just running through the streets, so in love. The rain was coming down, I was just so happy. I didn't care that I was getting soaked.


No one has loved me that much since.


And I miss that.


It makes me sad that you had to pass away.


Heartbreak is one of the most painful things. And it takes the longest to get over. It's been over a year now...and though it doesn't consume my life as much as it used to, there are nights like this where it doesn't feel real. There have been nights when I wake up and don't know where I am. I still think I'm in that apartment in Charter Oaks and you are sleeping an arms length away


But you are not. And it feels so much more real each time.


It hurts when someone thinks I should be over your loss. It's like a scab, it hardens over for a long time, then someone says it and the scab rips off. And I find myself crying.


I miss you still.


I want to move on, but it's hard to. I want to be that happy with someone else, but I can't seem to find that kind of love. I can't seem to find anyone.



Moments with her, now they're all a blur. Except for every second and every word, every drop of rain, every single grain of sand. The sidewalks, the streets were soaked. The sky was gray but you should've seen her face, shining like that lighthouse through all the rain. And the way she called my name. I've lived those seven days a thousand times, those seven days a thousand times.
Seven Days- Kenny Chesney


Friday, December 31, 2010

6 Years...

Six years. It doesn't seem that long since the moment you left me here on this Earth. I was talking to Tanisha the other day and I realized that it had been six years and I couldn't believe it.

There are moments when it seems like such a long time ago, but then there are other times that it feels as if it was yesterday.

A loss of a friend is one kind of pain. The loss of a distant relative is a different kind of pain. But it's the loss of a mother that leaves one with a kind of pain that may feel better at one time, but then sear the next. It's a pain that never seems to go away, it just isn't as bad at some times than it is at others.

And I really felt it this Christmas. This was the first Christmas that I didn't get to spend with my brother and it just felt so weird. Everything about this Christmas felt so wrong for once.

I started out at Molly's house. I started out there, in their humble home where they showed me so much love that morning. But it wasn't until my drive up to Mary's Grandma and Grandpa's house, that I felt the pain that hadn't been there for some Christmases. I was listening to 103.1 FM, our local oldies station because I couldn't stand (and haven't been able to for awhile) the Christmas music that was playing on every other station. I get half way to my destination and "Free Bird" came on the radio, and for the first time in a while, I realized how much I missed my mother. And I shed a few tears. I felt that pain that was there. I let those tears fall down my cheeks slowly and I just listened.

It was that moment that I was reminded that my mother was with me every step of the way.


And it was a rather somber Christmas. Grandma's Alzheimer's is so bad that she hardly even knows her own name and grandpa is not doing well either. I could tell that there aren't going to be many Christmases with either of them, if there are any more. That makes me sad.


So mom, as you reminded me on Christmas Day, thank you for everything you still do for me. Thank you for giving me everything you did when you were alive. Thank you for help shaping me into the person I want to be.


Six years...


And there will be many more. Many, many more. And there will be more events in my life that you won't be here in Earth to share with me. But I know you will always be there with me.


I wrote this before this time so I could have it published at the time you passed away. I hope that you feel my love because I do love you a lot. I miss you and I always will, but you will always be my momma, nothing will ever change that.


Lots of love...


Amelia

In Loving Memory of Catherine Lee Moore (Proulx)
2/27/57-12/31/04

A Rant About Not Understanding

I guess I don't understand why all this had to happen.


I guess I don't understand why my heart still holds on.


But here I am, holding on to a thread of love that will never be returned by you again. You are dead, but I still want you here with me.


I don't understand why one day you were here, and then the next you had to be gone.


"Just like a crow chasing a butterfly, dandelion's lost in a summer sky. And you and I were getting high as outer space, I never thought you would slip away. I guess I was just a little too late."


I guess I don't understand why I loved you so much in the first place. I knew you were dying, why did I put so much into a relationship with you. I guess I don't understand why my heart chose to love you when I usually spend so much time protecting my heart from pain.


The kind of pain I am still at a year and a half later.


I guess I don't understand why my heart thought it was a grand time to make the jump into falling deeply in love with you.


I guess I don't understand why I always seem to be the one going through pain. I guess I don't understand why I'm always the one in need of support. I guess I don't understand why I was made the fighter. I guess I don't understand why God had to give me the chance to show all my courage.


I guess I don't understand why I was made a superwoman by some.


I'm just Amelia. I just want to be a normal person who doesn't have to fight for everything.


I guess I don't understand the gift that I have been given. I know it is a gift, not one that anyone would want, but a gift nonetheless. A gift that I learn, a keep learning. I guess I don't understand why it is always me.


I guess I don't understand why I feel so alone when I am not alone. I guess I don't understand why my happiness had to be torn from me a year and a half ago.


I guess I won't understand these questions for a long time...but for now, I will keep going on my path to continue to be the person I am, and keep fighting til the end.


"Where were you when everything was falling apart? All my days were spent by the telephone that never rang and all I needed was a call that never came to the corner of 1st and Amistad. Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me. Lying on the floor, surrounded, surrounded. Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you? Just a little late, you found me, you found me."

Boston- Augustana
Second Chance- Shinedown
You Found Me- The Fray