The past couple days, my mind has been on life and moving on in general. See, this isn't the first time that I notice my friends getting engaged, getting married, having babies, all by the time they are finished with college. But this is the first time that my biological clock, that little thought in there, has been telling me that I am so behind everyone else my age.
But you see, I sit there and go, "whoa whoa whoa." I just turned 21 years old. I am still in college. I have a hard time paying for my cell phone and I've been living off of 1 meal a day the past week to get by until my next paycheck. Though I am surviving, I am not ready to even think about having a child in my life.
But it doesn't stop me from thinking about it. I almost have a sort of jealousy for those women I know who have these little babies and they are so cute and adorable. On Facebook they are like, "blah did this and blah did that." And I'm like, I just want some of that.
But see I know there is a process to these things. First you have to find someone. Though I was in a serious relationship a couple years back, it ended in such a sad way. Because of that, I almost feel like I was afraid to love again. But that isn't true. I put myself out there, but the only people who I have had feelings for lately have ignored them so blatantly it's horrible.
But then after finding someone, you have to be with them for awhile and get engaged. And then comes the marriage. See I want that day. I want a day where it is about me and blah's love and just that. I need something positive in my life. My roommate is getting married in December, and even though I was invited, I can't go. For one, when it came to buy the plane tickets, I couldn't stand putting down 3 months rent for a week trip to India. I know that it would be the trip of a lifetime and I'll probably never ever have the chance again, but look at paragraph 2. I'm sure I'd be eating paper from my printer if I had done that.
After marriage, you have babies. That is the way that I would want to do it. No shortcuts. No kids first, marriage later thing.
But see, my biological clock is like, "hey, yo, you want a kid. Go find someone. Go fall in love." But it isn't that easy. I wish it was. They always say that "the one" comes if you wait for it, but I'm at the stage where I'm like, when is it going to happen. As a psychology major, I know I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing at this point in my life. I am supposed to be finding someone to spend the rest of my life with. But why is it so frustrating?
I guess I'll end this rant with the fact that I know I am still young. I know that there is a lot of my life I haven't lived and there are still a lot of people that I am to meet. That doesn't stop the fact that I am still a) impatient and b) lonely. It doesn't stop the fact that I want someone to share my heart with again. I miss the feeling of companionship, badly.
I think it's time for me and my biological clock to sit down and have a very important talk.
Music from this morning
1. Little Lion Man- Mumford and Sons
2. Two is Better Than One- BoyslikeGirls with Taylor Swift
3. I'd Rather Make Mistakes Than Nothing At All- Mayday Parade
4. Charlie Brown- Coldplay
5. Hurricane- 30 Seconds to Mars
6. She is Love- 3 Doors Down
7. Come November- Thriving Ivory
8. Maybe- Sick Puppies
9. Fix You- Coldplay
10. Crawling Back to You- Daughtry