So, I finally have a moment to sit here and think about the past few weeks of my life and how so much has just happened. Life has just been crazy but amazing all at the same time.
For one, I graduated. May 5th, 2013 will be one of the proudest days of my life. I walked across that stage and completed one of the last promises that I ever made my mother. I remember when I was young, I promised her that I would graduate college and she would be there to see me. Now, sadly she wasn't there in person to see it happen, but I know somewhere in the universe, she was smiling her huge smile as I walked across that stage in front of those couple thousand people, shook the hands of the heads of the University and received my diploma cover. In a few weeks, I'll receive my diploma in the mail and the package will be complete. I am so happy, and will be able to look back on my 5 years at UM-Flint as years of great learning, great growth and amazing memories.
Later that day, unknown to me, Kevin planned me a graduation party. Though now that I know, I could see where he got really close to letting go the surprise of the whole thing. But he didn't. When I pulled into his driveway that evening, I was welcomed by 30 or so of my closest family and friends who were there to celebrate me. It was one of the best gifts I could be given by anyone (and another thing crossed off the bucket list). I got to visit with people I hadn't seen in a long time and enjoyed it thoroughly.
Yup, he got me!
The week after that was moving week. I had just signed papers on a 2 bedroom/2 bath home in a lovely neighborhood in Flint. My friend Hoffa moved in with me so we could split the rent and the bills. That week was full of friends help (thank you guys sooooo much!), a frenzy of boxes, much cleaning and saying goodbye to Riverfront where I had called home for 3 years.
I got in and settled a bit before I started my new job at Diplomat Specialty Pharmacy. Yup, I got the official job offer and start date in the middle of my packing and started training on the 13th. Now that I have had 2 weeks of training, I am very excited to start in my department and very excited to be working for this company. I can wholeheartedly say that they care for their employees and it is going to be an amazing place to work, if for only a few years or the rest of my working life. Who knows? The sky is the limit currently and there are MANY chances for advancement within the company.
Lastly, last night was my first official party of the new home. 25+ friends of mine came out to celebrate and hang at my new home. We played games, laughed and just had a lot of fun. It truly was an amazing time and I am so happy they all joined me. It was also Brittney's birthday, which we also celebrated :)
For now, life is pretty good. I can't complain too much! I am so thankful for all my friends and family who have helped me get to where I am now. Of life!
First off, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! This year has been a much different new year for me than I have had in awhile. And I had so much fun! But before I get into the details on just how AMAZING my night was (because it was shoot off fireworks, kiss a baby, amazing) I'll catch you all up on my whole holiday season, as it has been just epic in general.
Christmas was actually a lot better than I thought it was going to be. Last year was a little subdued (I think I wrote about it on here last year). It ended up being a very quiet affair and even though I enjoyed it, something was just different about the whole situation! But this year was the direct opposite! Christmas Eve I was off to Molly's Uncle Dennis' where we had Christmas with them. It was fun, we watched movies, open gifts, caught up on life. Uncle Steve gave all the girls his version of lingerie, a 4X camo nightgown. What a man! Love him so much though, he makes me laugh (and that this is SUPER warm). That night I went off to Ken and Mo's for Christmas Eve like usual and we just chilled, had a drink, shared some laughs, and had a great time. Molly and I went to her brother EJ's for the night.
The next morning we got up and had brunch. Uncle Steve and Aunt Sue came down to EJ's to join us this year and we had present sharing time while keeping the dogs from tearing up everything. (Great entertainment was had). Then I got dressed and was off for the day. I drove up to Lapeer to Uncle Dave and Aunt Debs. I was a little early so I had to wait around, offered my help in the kitchen (something I think that took Aunt Debbie a little off guard) and just made the time as pleasing as possible. Aunt Debbie's family came over soon and we spent our time talking and catching up.
After dinner, I was off to Todd and Michelle's, where I always end my Christmas night. I arrived in time for a packed house! It was nice taking a seat at the dining room table and talking to Aunt Rosalie, Aunt Jane, Paula, Aunt Linda, Michelle and the random people who came and went. It was really quite wonderful sharing so many laughs with them that night! Aunt Linda loved the collage I made her for Christmas (and made sure that everyone saw it...Michelle approved of how many times she was in it ;D ) and stories about our family that were hilarious came up. Totally an enjoyable time. Kids were running around, it was just a perfect Christmas. By the time I hit the pillow on the couch at 11, I was exhausted!
The next morning we got up and went shopping. Aunt Linda wanted to buy me something for Christmas, so I found a nice pair of jeans that fit nicely and bought myself a sweater (it is actually my favorite piece of clothing right now!) And then I was off to Flint to meet Molly and Kevin for a trip to Frankenmuth! Molly had never been so we walked around little Bavaria, went to shops, watched them make fudge (and TRIED warm fudge...mmm!) and bought some.
Tuesday brought a lunch with my friend Matt who I have known for a long time. We hadn't seen each other for awhile, so we got some pizza, talked about life and shared some laughs. It was so nice seeing him! Later that night I headed to Saginaw to spend the night with my friend's Helen and David from The Fowler Center! They are literally my favorite couple!!! Dave's little sister Angie was there (I love that girl!) and her boyfriend Eddie. We just had a great time. Mikaela and Charlotte, who worked with us our first summer at TFC, came by. Charlotte was in the country from overseas to spend the holiday with Mikaela, I hadn't seen her since summer 2010! It was nice catching up with her for sure!
Thursday came the day where I got shit done....literally! I bought my textbooks for this semester online, I paid the rest of my rent for my lease, I did some online shopping (girl found some DEALS!), finalized my schedule for this semester, and talked to people more and got to know them better (which is one of my favorite things to do)! It was a wonderful day. I then I set up my new XBox 360 and gamed all afternoon. :) That night I went out to dinner with Sarah and Kelly from TFC at Buffalo Wild Wings and we had a blast!
Friday was a weird day. I was having some issues with my hand majorly, the tendons were super swollen so I got a doctors appointment that morning and ended up with some major pain pills and a shot of cortisone. I then went to the mall to return Tanisha's Christmas gift (the thing I got her was not okay for certain reasons hahah) and bought her another. Then her and I decided we were going to split the cost on a new TV (since we both have new xboxes) so I went to Best Buy for that and got a beauty. By the time I made it home, I was having some weird side effects from the new pain prescription (it was making me feel really weird) so I set up the TV, told Kevin that I just didn't want to see anyone and laid in front of the TV for the rest of the night waiting to not feel sick and groggy. I called in and asked for a different prescription which was called in (and I can happily say that the one time I've taken it, I don't have the same kind of side effects!) Gotta love chronic tendinitis in both hands...and it causing issues...blah!
ANYWAY! I got up yesterday and felt like a whole new woman. I spent the day being lazy, thinking of mom and getting ready for the night's festivities. Kevin came over a little later and spent some time together before we were off to Lapeer to get Zac and head to Uncle Dave's. But when we get to Tim Horton's, I remembered that I forgot Katrina's Christmas gift at my apartment, so Zac jumped in my car and we drove back so I could grab it. It was all good though, Zac and Kevin became acquainted, had some "bro" time hahaha and I think became more comfortable with each other. (Zac had NEVER hung out with us, ever, and I invited him because I had enjoyed our conversations on Facebook QUITE a bit and it would be nice to just spend some time getting to know him better!) We were off to Uncle Dave's where I got tackled by children (and my best friend Katrina), laughs were had and Euchre was played for hours on end! But probably the best moment of the night was midnight where yes, I'm going to say it, Kevin and I shared the "first kiss" of our relationship. For more on THAT story, you can ask me personally hahaha because it was quite entertaining. But, yes I had the goofiest grin ever...EVER in my life and well, it was the first time in a long time that I shared a New Year's kiss with someone who wasn't a family member. :D
After midnight, we left the shindig and went to Tim Horton's for some coffee to refuel before heading to Zac's house. There was actually a New Year's party going on there as well (haha but Zac was with US!) and we were there until after 3 am talking, meeting new people, laughing, and just enjoying each other's company. Then Kevin and I made the drive back to Flint (safely and NOT under the influence of anything I may add...this was actually a drink free New Year and I was a-okay with that)! I think I had faygo, coffee and water all night long! After a goodnight kiss (eeee!!!) we parted ways.
I thought I would just collapse in bed and go to sleep...but nope. I ended up tracking down who the person was who thought it was awesome to submit the comment, "Lose some weight, you fat pig!" to my post about my Christmas party last night. Yup, I know who you are, where you live, and well, if you're reading this...cool story bro. I'm not going to say I'm not overweight, oh I know I am. But comments like those aren't going to break me down like they did years ago. For your information anonymous (as you weren't brave enough to say it with your name attached) I AM actually taking a swimming class this semester. It may (or may not) help me lose weight, but either way, I am going to be getting some exercise in my life. Thank you for caring about my well-being, that is really kind of you. There are also words I would like to share with you, but in truth, I no longer want to spread hate, so I'm not going to say them to you. Optimism is such a wonderful thing, and it makes people see the best in every situation (and is the main reason I am still functioning with the shitstorm that is my life) and I'm going to say anon, that yes I am overweight, and if I lose some weight this semester, cool. That's fine with me. But if I don't, then whatever. I am relatively healthy and that's all I can ask for. I have awesome people in my life (and you are not one of them) and that's a wonderful thing. I am happy and that's ALL that matters. Maybe it's time to re-evaluate your life and look at what you are doing before you try taking down the tower that is Amelia. Good luck!
After that, I went through my Facebook friends list (all 1200+ of them) and deleted over 100 people. These were people that have been negative to me, that I don't really know, that I don't know why I added them, and people who are just not worth being in my life again. I am sure that another cut will happen in the future. But one of them was a good friend from the past who is no longer my friend. If she is reading this, awesome. You are REALLY trying to get into my life. I knew it the moment that you added Kevin on Facebook the moment we became boyfriend and girlfriend. If you want to know what's going on in my life, ASK me. You are around UM-Flint ALL THE TIME, and never even acknowledge my presence when we pass in the hall (and I know you see me)! It was only a matter of time. If you want to actually be friends again, then you can message me on Facebook, try to build a friendship and maybe, just maybe, I'll eventually add you back. I'm done putting the energy in our relationship. Good luck stalking me, it's not going to happen via Facebook anymore.
I fell into my bed at about 6 am this morning. For the most part, the night was amazing. I am so ready for 2012 and all the craziness it's going to bring into my life. I am all about being positive and getting the negative out of my life. A new start. As I said yesterday, I don't have New Year's resolutions, and I am not going to try to make this year better. I am going to take everyday as they come, one day at a time, laugh often, smile everyday, share some memories, keep moving forward through the tough stuff and LIVE! I'm ready, are you?
P.S. Kevin survived meeting my family last night...I get to meet his tonight. I may be a tad nervous :) stupid social anxiety!
Music:
1. American Idiot- Green Day
2. Tonight- Seether
3. Who's They- Daughtry
4. Night Hunter- 30 Seconds to Mars
5. Hero/Heroine- Boyslikegirls
6. Nothing- The Script
7. If It's Love- Train
8. Dirty Little Secret- All-American Rejects
9. Again- Flyleaf
When I was 10 years old, if you would have sat me down and said that by the time I was 21 I would have no mother, no father, and be living in an apartment trying to fend for myself; I would probably laugh at you. See, at that time, I may have not had much contact with my father, but he was alive. At that time, my mother was my whole entire world. At that time, life was just fine for the most part. At least in my eyes.
It seems weird now, looking back, how much life has pushed me around and tried to bury me in the ground; yet I keep shining on. I may not have been given the best set of cards in life, but I seem to navigate through them with a sort of grace that I think is a gift.
When I lost my mother, my whole world ended. I didn't know how to function. For one, I was 14 years old. At that age, you depend on your mother for so much. Your mother is supposed to guide you through those tough high school years. She is supposed to go dress shopping with you before Homecoming and Prom. She is supposed to be there to watch you graduate.
I spent the last years of my mother's life walking 3 steps behind her. I was in a constant state of worry that she was going to get sick, that she was going to get hurt, that something was going to be wrong when I woke up in the morning. That is what having a mother with cancer does to you. My mother wasn't one to ask for help either (it's what we call between cousins, the Proulx Pride. I have it too). So I was the one, day in and day out that was there to care fore her during some of the scariest times in my life.
Living in a state of being behind someone for years, and then being freed from that burden is hard. You don't know what to do. You don't have someone to take care of anymore. It's almost weird in a way. It was also relieving in some ways as well.
Those years in high school weren't easy though once my mother had passed and I moved in with her younger brother. It wasn't easy for me to adjust to their household, the way they parented (which was totally different from my mother) and just how held down to the floor I was. I felt like a puppy who constantly gets their nose wiped in their mess on the carpet. I wasn't allowed "me time." I had to be constantly doing something, but I was also constantly being judged for what I did.
This is probably why a) I was not ready to move out when I did, and b) I got my butt out of there as soon as I could. See, Uncle Dave swore that they were teaching me how to be a person that will prosper, but he wasn't allowing me to make the mistakes in high school that I could make and still learn from them. So I had to learn about them when the consequences are worse as an adult. I didn't make enough money to support living on my own, so whenever I called Uncle Dave for money out of my trust, he gave me a speech that I hated to hear, but I had nothing else I could fall back on. I spent days alone in my apartment crying my eyes out because I knew I wasn't going to be able to pay rent. What was I going to do? I couldn't even afford food. The only thing I could fall back on was that bank account that my mother left behind, and the rant Uncle Dave gave me in between.
The was one of the lowest times in my life (other then the months I knew my mother was dying and I was struggling with everything going on). I was desperate. I didn't know what I was going to do. I had fallen out of contact with so many of my family members and I wasn't just going to ask them for help (i.e. the Proulx Pride once again). It was just a cycle of destruction.
But when you are in a hole, everything begins to look up. It took some major struggling, some tears, a lot of frustration, but I made it through for the most part. It has been almost a year since I asked for money out of that account for anything. Though my mother left it to me for my living expenses, I understand that Uncle Dave is trying to protect it for the future. I've gotten to the point that I can now mostly fund the lifestyle I want to have.
See, this is the pact I gave myself when I moved out of their home. I wasn't going to give up. See, when the hard times came around, I gritted my teeth and moved forward. I had hope that the next day was going to be better than ever before. I believe it became so hard for me because that was the time I was actually grieving the death of my mother. I never properly grieved when I lived with Uncle Dave. I felt that any sign of weakness in their household was something that they could prey upon and bring back in my face. I had to put up a front, and hide the feelings that I had. When I was out of that, I felt everything.
Grief is a process just like life. And it is a process that you must work through. Am I over the deaths that have happened in my life? No. But do they take up every moment of everyday like they did in 2009? No. Though this isn't what I call the perfect life, I have found a way through life that keeps me from giving in to the rigors of the world. I have learned many life lessons that some don't learn for many years. I have climbed mountains in 21 years. I have conquered problems by myself and I have won.
All because I never lost hope. Yes, there were times when I thought that I was never going to be happy. There were times when I thought I was going to be stuck like that forever. But then I found that little glimmer, that flicker, of hope and it kept me moving forward.
Sometimes you just have to hold on to that small bit of hope to make it to the next day. It may be hard to find, but in the end, it's totally worth it.
Sometimes I hear things that my family keeps from me (like the death of my father and those details that came out earlier this year) and it is disheartening. But I also know they were trying to protect me. I hope someday that I am seen as someone who is strong like my friends always say I am. Or someone who is strong like my mother, and they can trust me with these secrets that they hid to protect me.
But until that day I shall keep carrying on with the fire of hope deep inside and a smile on my face.
Songs of the morning:
1. Every Teardrop is a Waterfall- Coldplay
2. Hurricane- 30 Seconds to Mars
3. Maybe- Sick Puppies
4. Heaven- 3 Doors Down
5. My Body- Young the Giant
6. Mercenary- Panic! At the Disco
7. Survivor's Guilt- Rise Against
8. For the First Time- The Script
9. Drown in You- Daughtry
10. Alibi- 30 Seconds to Mars
11. Fix You- Coldplay
12. Two is Better than One- Boyslikegirls w/ Taylor Swift
13. Deranged- Coheed and Cambria
