Sunday, May 13, 2012

Thoughts on Mother's Day

I'm not going to lie to you, mother's day has been a hard holiday for me to celebrate for the past 7 years for the plain fact that my mother is no longer on this Earth for me to celebrate it with her. And it hurts, a lot more on some days than others. My mother was a strong, amazing woman, who was taken due to a disease that is unrelenting at times. My mother was a fighter that just couldn't fight anymore and earned her wings.

Every time this day comes around, I get a little pang in my heart because I miss those Mother's Day that I spent with her. The years that in school we made those little "coupon" books. When I was about 13 years old, I noticed my mother still had the ones that my brother and I had made her, on her headboard of her bed. I remember asking her why she never used them. "Because I've never needed to," she had said with a smile.

My mother was an amazing person who raised me for the first 14 years of my life. I remember good times singing in the car with her as we drove down the back country roads in Metamora. I remember hanging around the barns with her and later coming to know all the lovely ladies at Lesley Elizabeth Inc, the company that gave my mother so much help when she needed it mostly. I remember nights of lying in her waterbed with her watching the Game Show Network and playing along with all the games. My mother was smart. And she was such a smart woman. 

I know that over the years I have made mistakes. I have said things I didn't mean. I have said things I did mean in a harsh manner. I've made her ashamed of me. I've made her angry with hurting all her brothers and sisters. But, I'd also like to think that I've made her proud as well. I've made it to 21. I am living by myself and am barely getting by...but I AM getting by. I am able to live by myself without having to fall back on others. And I've fought for all of this. One thing I know I got from my mother was her stubbornness. And at times it has been a burden, but mostly, I like to believe I used it to my advantage.

Yesterday, I took a nap after work and had some rather vivid dreams. For those who don't know, I am a vivid dreamer, and I get a lot of understanding of my life by what my subconscious is trying to tell me. Studying dreams is a fascinating thing, many people don't believe in their power, but once you unlock it you won't be sorry. Anyway, I had some vivid dreams about the past and the future and woke up in a rather thoughtful state. So I went for a drive. I didn't know where I was really going at the time, I just drove. In normal Michigan fashion, it was raining. So, I listened to the sound of the raindrops on the windshield and thought. And cried a ton. When I stopped, I found myself at Mount Loretto Cemetery. For those who know, that is where my mother is buried. Its weird how sometimes you just gotta go and your mind gets you there without you even knowing. This was one of those moments. Yesterday afternoon, I spent some quality time with my mother, as I stood at her grave and admired the headstone that was put in, this being the second time I had actually seen it. 

And I talked to her. I know this seems "odd" and "weird" to some, but I talked to her. And I cried a lot more. I stood there in the rain and cried. But it was a beautiful thing. Then I got back in my car and went on with my life. I went to Meijers and bought a dinner worth my mother and made her her mother's day dinner a day early. And I moved on.

Something that I have learned about death and grieving is that the world doesn't stop for anyone. Though your whole world may come crashing down with the death of someone important to you, the sun still rises and the world still turns. You either let it pass you by, or you come to terms and keep moving forward. Though for a time, it is okay to forget the world and just let yourself feel what you are feeling, there will come a time when you realize what you have done without that person and be proud of yourself. You move on.

On my way home from Lapeer last night, I realized that everything is going to be okay with everyone. I don't know how I felt this, I just knew. I knew that life was going in a upswing for many people I love for a very long time. And it gave me a peace that I hadn't felt in a long time. It's all going to be okay.

Within in the next year, I am going to fulfill one of the last promises I hold with my mother. When I was little, I promised her that I would graduate college. At the time I wanted to be a vet. Things change of course, but in the end, I am going to graduate college less than a year from now. I will be a college graduate. Where that takes me, well that is still a little mysterious to me, a new journey, and I'm excited.

Every year it gets a little easier to go through this day without my mother. I have had some amazing people who had stepped in to take her place over the year. They will never be my mother, BUT they have been there for band concerts, dances, graduation, to help me through some tough times and have helped me get to where I am today. Without those "mothers," I don't know if I would even be alive. Today, I celebrate those mothers. 

And celebrate with Kevin's family. I'm glad that I have a great relationship with his parents, it'll make for a much more fulfilling relationship with him. Today I'm taking the cake and celebrating with his mother. It's going to be a good day. And to the beautiful guardian angel I have up in Heaven today, Happy Mother's Day Mom. I miss you.

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