Sunday, February 26, 2012

Oh Life... is just one of those days when I am just feeling everything. I am putting it off as being utterly tired...which I am since I have worked a million shifts (and am right now) in the past 2 days and have had very little sleep.

But I'm feeling everything. Music is hitting me hard. It's giving me things to think about, emotions I don't let myself feel very often. I can't say I am depressed (though I had one of those days majorly on Wednesday) but I think it's more of me putting my heart on my sleeve.

I keep thinking about the past today. I keep thinking of my mother. Tomorrow is her birthday, she would have been 55 years old. I keep thinking if I am making her proud. If I am making the right decisions in my life. I keep second guessing myself. I'm not a fan of second guessing myself. But I think of her, and how wonderful she was and strong, and wonder if I am half the woman she was. I just want to make her proud with everything I do.

But I worry. I worry that I making the wrong choices in my life. And I can't help but really think of her at this time of the month. As I told several people, February is probably the 2nd worst month of the year for me after December. Why? Because both of my parent's birthday's are in this the same week actually. My mother would have been 55 tomorrow. My father would have been 64 on Wednesday. I know, I joke sometimes because my father was born on leap really he would be 16 years old on Wednesday, but it still doesn't stop the ache in my heart.

I don't think that many understand how that ache could be there for him. Yes, my father made some pretty horrible choices in his life, and ended up in prison when I was a very young child. But my father was smart. He had a brain that could do many things...and he wasted it. I say that he wasted it because the father I knew was the one who sat at home all day and did nothing. He was lazy. But he was smart and he loved me and my brother. He really did. And I think the moment that he made the decision that changed the rest of our lives forever, he was afraid of losing us. I remember him asking for us, he didn't want to take the chance of my brother and I being taken from his life, so he acted rashly.

The ache that I have is because I didn't really know my father well enough. I never got to really get to know him, and when I had the chance, I didn't have the attitude where I understood what he did. I thought at the time I went to see him in Florida that he had wanted to ruin our lives. I was angry for what he did.

Hindsight is always 20/ they say.

This week of the year always hurts for me because of the fact that I don't have either of them. I have this reminder that if they were alive, we would probably go out to dinner. We would probably share a few drinks now that I was 21. We would probably catch up on life. We would probably have a grand ole time. I'm sure mom would probably go out to Ponderosa and get her double order of sirloin tips.

But instead, I just get to wish them happy birthday in my own small way, speaking to them, and wish they were here.

Memories, memories are interesting things. I think the reason I love the human mind so much is because it confuses me in so many ways. The brain is an enigma. How can one have something in the past come up so easily, and you feel everything you felt in that moment? I will always have those memories, as scars on my heart. And there will be times when they come popping back up. My dreams have been especially vivid lately, and last night I dreamed of a relationship gone. And when I awoke in tears, I remembered that yes, Sam is dead...but I have Kevin and I am so happy to have him.

I feel so vulnerable to the world today. And I am remembering so many things, and how I felt when those moments happened. It's been interesting. As I sit here at the front desk, I attempt to keep myself together. Tell myself it was the past. That I need to let it go.

But how do you let go of something that was so important to you at one point? I can forget my parents, I can't forget Sam. I can't let that cease to be a part of me. I carry them in my heart. Their memories, the feeling of their hugs, the sound of their laughter, the look of their smiles; they are there to stay. I just need to find newer and happier memories to keep me occupied for awhile. And I need to stop holding it all in all the time.

I guess I'm so afraid of being a burden on others. I don't want to bring them down. I'm a people pleaser. So, I keep all these emotions in, put on my smile, make it seem like everything is going to be alright. Yes, I have a control over my life now that I didn't have before but I don't have all the answers. I'm still blundering at times. All the time actually. But, I need to let some of it out. I know that I have Kevin and he would do anything for me and he gets frustrated because I don't let him in. But it's hard for me. I've been alone and doing all this by myself for so long. It's all become a habit.

It's not saying that I'm not trying. Oh, I try so hard. But I second guess myself. One thing that got ingrained at Uncle Dave and Aunt Debbie's was to formulate what I said carefully. I had to say it in a way so that I didn't get yelled at, or a look. So I would second guess myself. Then I would think about how to phrase it and beat myself up. Finally, about 80% of the time, I never asked. Why? Because I was afraid of them. I didn't want them to think I was weak. So I turned down offers, I told people I was busy, and I never asked.

And today, I do the same thing. I still filter what I say. I keep the serious stuff in my head. I don't lay it out there for those who I know care enough to listen to it. That was always something I did with my mother. We had those serious conversations all the time. And I miss that. She was the only person I was never really guarded with.

Just another thing for me to work on.

All-in-all, I'm being emotional Amelia who's just trying to figure out this crazy world.

1. Here Without You- 3 Doors Down
2. Ballad of Mona Lisa- Panic! at the Disco
3. The Fighter- The Fray
4. Us Against the World- Coldplay
5. Little Lion Man- Mumford & Sons
6. Monsoon- Tokio Hotel
7. Where We Belong- Thriving Ivory

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