Thursday, March 1, 2012

Oh Wait...I Do Have Feelings.

I do not allow myself to get angry.

This is one thing I know for a fact. Another thing I know: grief is such an all encompassing journey that lasts a lot longer than what is socially accepted. 

This is another one of those posts where I am going to feel, a post that will be filled with words that swirl around in my head all the time, and well, I just don't get them out enough. And because I don't get them out. I end up like I did last night, a boiling pot of anger in the puddle on the floor freaking out about emotions that I don't normally allow myself to feel. And if you don't want to feel those emotions with me, if you don't want to know what is going on in my head, then I advise that you click away from this page right now.

You have been warned.

Anger is such a negative emotion. We all know Amelia, the happy-go-lucky girl who just lets shit fall right off her back. Yup, you think you know me so well. But you don't. I am 21 years old. I don't know what the hell I am doing. I am making decisions that I shouldn't have to make alone. But I make them alone because of the huge trump card I have chilling in my back parents are dead.

Yes, I know, I bring this up a lot, and there will be a lot about that in the post. Why? Because no matter what happens in my life, I will still have no parents. I am going to allow myself to get whiny about my life for awhile, because I deserve to. I don't whine about it often, and for once, I have the absolute right to.

Life is not fair. This is true. See, when I graduate next year, I'll be surrounded by aunts that love me and friends who are amazing and stick by me, but that one thing will be missing. When I'm standing outside that arena with my college diploma in my hand, I won't be able to get that picture with my mother beaming proudly as someone clicks the camera shutter. And the day that I finally get married, I won't have my father to walk me down the aisle, as my mother beams proudly from the front of the pews. I have thoughts of who, right now, I would want to walk me down the aisle. Though this person doesn't know it yet, I'm sure he'd be honored if and when that moment comes up. Then the day that I have my first child, I won't have that little baby's grandparents there to have those pictures with.

And as I told Zac last night, it makes me unbearably sad. To the point that I lost it last night and cried for several hours. It makes me unbearably sad about how unfair it all is. The thing is, he can't even understand the amount of pain I go through as these thoughts go through my mind. Very few can. I don't know many people my age who have lost both of their parents so young and then didn't have the support from their family they needed.

Yes, I am blatantly saying it. Though my family is there from afar, pretty much all of this I had to do by myself. Yes, I lived with my Aunt and Uncle after my mother's death, but in truth, they were just a house to keep me in until I turned 18. I learned from them to be the people pleaser that I am, and to hide my feelings because they would have eaten me alive. Yes, I know they tried really hard and, given the situation, it had to have been hard for them too, but at the same time, they didn't treat it with the delicacy that they should have. Knowing what I now know about grief, I know that for a time, I didn't let myself grieve over my mother. For a long time actually. Why? Because I didn't want to be seen as weak in front my my Aunt and Uncle. One of my biggest fears is to be seen as weak, and for me, just even approaching this subject is hard because I still feel that bearing my emotions out there is seen as a "weakness" and I apologize for it...when I know I don't have to. 

But I don't have that person I go forward to about it all. Yes, I have friends that I sometimes talk about these things, but they can't understand. No matter how good or bad their relationship with their parents are, they still have parents to hug on holidays and talk to about large decisions in their lives. When I finished texting Zac, I knew he could sympathize all he wanted, but he couldn't understand the crushing pain that I was going through. Why? Because if he wanted, he could walk down the hall and see his parents sleeping soundly in their bedroom...alive. I could lay this all on anyone, but for most of the people I am surrounded with my age, they can go home and have a parent there to be thankful for at the end of the day. Kevin, though we could discuss this at times, just can't understand the real levity of the situation. 

I have a lot of anger about how unfair it all is. As my Aunt Rosalie once said, it isn't fair that some of us lose their parents at 14 while the rest of them can have them well into their 60's. And though there are people reading this blog who have lost a parent, or even both of them, most of you lost them at a much older age and were in a different part of life to wrap your head around the insurmountable amount of grief that it plunges you into. 

I'm not going to say that it's different, but at the same time it is. Everyone grieves differently, and every death is grieved in a different way. I have lost many people in my life, and I know for a fact that I grieved differently for each one. My mother: I waited a long time to start bearing those emotions and it still hurts. Every. Single. Day. My father: It all came as a large wave over a short period of time, and every now and again it hits me for a bit about how he wasn't a part of my life (which is sad in itself) and that he died in the way he did. See, I have been told by certain members of my family that I shouldn't have these feelings towards the death of my father. That I should just get over it, he wasn't worth any of it. But, I will defend my father til my death. Yes, my father made bad decisions, and one large decision that changed our life forever. Yes, I know this. But knowing now that I didn't know for a long time, I can understand that his reaction was much like a mother bear and her cubs. He saw my brother and I being taken away, and well, he lashed out because he didn't want that to happen. My father was a smart man, oh did he have a brain. But in one rash moment, he pulled that shotgun out of that suitcase and locked in the fact that he wasn't going to be a part of my life and my brother's life forever. But he paid for what he did, he accepted the jail time and he served his time. He knew he did wrong, and well, he paid his time. Like I said, I will defend my father until my death. I wish I had known him the way that I am always told stories of him.

I know, I know, this isn't like me. I don't normally whine about all of this and let myself be angry. But, I'm allowing myself to. I am taking my own advice. I think it all spun off of a friend's status. I had made it through their birthdays and was okay. Thought I would be relatively fine in general. Then a friend of mine said that she heard Free Bird and it made her think of her brother that passed away. I know that in her status, she didn't mean to send anyone into this kind of tizzy but it did. I sang those words to myself last night after I read that:
I'm as free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change
Lord knows I cannot change
And I just became so lonely for my mother. So I began crying and Zac was texting me and I was overwhelmed by the situation. Overwhelmed because I don't let myself feel these things, I save them all for a rainy day. I guess yesterday was my rainy day. And then I just unloaded on Zac, and though I feel bad for just forcing all that on him, I don't regret it one moment. See, Zac sees me as a certain person, and though I feel that last night's conversation may have changed his point of view on me a bit, I know that he understands my mind a little bit better. And the moment that he confirmed my thoughts, that it wasn't okay. That none of this is 100% fair. That I'm allowed to be angry. That I am allowed. I am allowed to yell and scream about how unfair it all is because it isn't fair. I don't have to let it slide off my back because it. is. not. okay. And to have to make these decisions by myself, well it shouldn't have to be that way. And though I know, I am not alone, last night I felt a large feeling of being alone. 

See, I know there are people who would love for me to come to them to help me make decisions. It's not that I don't know that (and I know it is frustrating to them) but at the same time, its not that I don't trust them, but at the same time it is because I don't trust them. I'm sorry. For as much as I try, all my trust was broken when I dealt with Uncle Dave and Aunt Debbie. There is a lot of pain I went through in that house that no one  really understands and there are a lot of issues I deal with because of that. I am hard to trust (which may seem weird to some people because of quick relationships popping up) but I read people well enough to know what I can and cannot share with them. There are things that my family will never know about me, but some of my friends do know. There are things that some of my friends know that others don't. And I have enough trust in those few key people to know that it will stay that way. But once that trust is broken, as it is so often, it's gone. I know that's the same in relationships with me. I understand this. And there is nothing I can do to change that.

Life is not fair. I will say that a million times over. Why? Because I am 21 years old. I have only just begun to live my life and yet, I am struggling without the guidance that many my age have. I won't have my parents at those chapter ending and beginning moments in my life. I will have the family of friends that I have surrounded myself with (who I wouldn't be alive for if I didn't have around). Hell, I feel as if this poem that I wrote on October 3, 2009, is just as relevant now as it was back then:
I'm glad I have friends.
I'm glad I have friends because I would have given up a long time ago.
I'm tired of Hell. I'm tired of life.
But I remain because I love my friends.
I'm tired of fighting every moment of my life.
I'm tired of the bad.
But I'm glad I have friends. They make it all worthwhile.
And while I have this crazy, huge family; I don't feel the love towards them that I have for my friends. See, when the going gets tough, I don't think of my family...I think of my friends. I think of those of them who have been there. I know, I keep bashing the fam, but maybe they'll step up a little more and pay attention and judge a little less because of this. Yes, I am angry with you all, and I have a love for my friends that I should have for my family. I'm not going to apologize for saying it, because it's my feelings. My friends have supported me through a hell of a lot more than you ever had. The only reason I didn't really kill myself on December 27, 2004 was because of the fact that I called my best friend and promised him I wouldn't do it. We are now not very good friends at all, but that promise will always hold true. When I get down, when I get angry, when I think about doing things rashly, I think of my friends first and the pain that loss would put them through. I know the pain of loss, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

So I guess I am writing all this to say that yes I get angry, and yes I am still grieving the loss of my parents and so many other losses (including the loss of Sam) which still effects me to. this. very. day. And these are all thoughts that roll around in my head quite often, all these thoughts, and while other 21 year old's are worried about passing classes and what they are doing Friday night...I am worrying about this shit as well as all of that. And while I understand that is my life, I understand that it isn't fair. I also know that others have it worse than me, and I should be thankful, but we all have moments...and that fact that I spent the last 6 hours of my life crying instead of sleeping (and working) should  mean that this all means something. Maybe not to you, maybe you are angry with me (for that I no longer care) but at least you know. At least you have an idea of what I think about life and our relationship. Maybe you'll try to fix. Most likely, you'll ignore it like you do most of the time. And you know who you are that I am talking to. Times, they are a changing, and it's time you catch on to that fact. It's better to have it out there then to never know what is on my mind. How does that taste?

And for those of you lucky many, go give your parents a fucking hug. Tell them how much you appreciate them. Patch up your relationship if it's rocky. Give them a call. At least you can. 

How can you say that your truth is better than ours? Shoulder to shoulder, now brother, we carry no arms. The blind man sleeps in the doorway, his home. If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won. But I gave you all. I close my eyes for a while and for from the world a patient smile. But I gave you all. And you rip is from my hands and you swear it's all gone. And you rip out all I have just so say that you've won. Well now you've won." -I Gave You All: Mumford & Sons

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