Thursday, March 22, 2012

Promises, Promises

Promises. Promises are big things. For some people, they aren't seen as important, but when I make a promise, I find a way to follow through. Promises are important.

Which is why I am going to start this post out with one of the biggest promises I've made in a very long time. I knew that something was going on, because Kevin was dropping hints. (Sorry honey, you just can't keep a secret) And then there's the fact that I'm just really good at finding things out without even finding things out. ANYWAY, last week at Kevin's birthday, he was all like, "Do you want me to tell you or do you want me to wait?" I said wait...but he told me anyway.

He had bought me a promise ring. I had reblogged something on Tumblr a long time ago with a picture of a simple ring made out of silver wire with a knot. Some girl was bashing it's meaning, and well I thought it was a cute idea at the time. For "young" relationships. I guess Kevin thought it was perfect as well, and tracked it down and bought it. But on his birthday (which was 2 days before our 3 month anniversary), he was still waiting for it to show up. So he asked me anyway (I think the alcohol played a role in why this happened that night.) He said that he promised forever, that he would, down the road, have a better job where he could buy me a real ring, and we could get married and have kids and spend the rest of our lives together.

And I said yes.

Now before you think that we are moving too fast, I want you to be reminded: I've known AND been friends with Kevin for over 2 years now. The fact that we weren't dating is still really a mystery to the both of us. It just didn't happen. But I trust him, I share everything with him, and he knows my faults. Yes, we both have some learning to do, but that comes with time.

And it's just a promise ring. A small token that I can wear to show that I am loved by someone else and that eventually, down the road, we will be together. This is a promise I intend to keep for the rest of my life.

Simple, and perfect.

And then the caged bird sings

I'm not going to say that I didn't freak out for a few the other day. I did. Majorly. It wasn't second thoughts, but more negative thoughts that were creeping in. My brain decided to remind me that the last time I let someone in this far, well I lost them. I'll never forget Sam. That is true. That boy got me through so much that summer that I don't think anyone will ever understand. So my brain was thinking, 'what if you lose Kevin too?' and I freaked out. I went for a drive. Listened to old music. Cried. And thought of my mother and how I wished she was here to talk to about all this and express how happy I am. And I cried more.

And it put me in this kind of funk for the past couple days. The only thing that has slowly been getting me out of the funk is my new decision. One to let myself be happy. This is where this caged bird will sing a song of sorrow and anguish.

I realized last night that the darkness that I've fought for years are't thoughts and memories. They are ideas. These ideas were planted in my head by the people who are supposed to love me the most. My family. Yup, it's time to get out all these things that have been in my head. The "truths" that have been told to me that have kept me locked up all these years. These thoughts in my head have kept me under your control, even when you're not a big part of my life.

You're going to be a failure and end up like your father. First of all, fuck you. My father was a smart and wonderful man. But he was depressed and when you are depressed you tend to lose interest in life. He didn't work because he got laid off and then was depressed. My father wasn't a failure, everyone around him failed to get him the help he needed. My father was a smart man, smarter than I'll probably ever be. And I would like to see you tell me that I'm a failure. When I was 18 years old, I moved out on my own and though I struggled, I have put together a life that is wonderful in it's own way. It's a thing of beauty really. I have friends that love me. I am going to college and getting a degree. I have a job. I am living in a nice apartment complex. My life is not a failure. Yes, I struggle. WHO THE HELL DOESN'T AT TIMES? It's coming out the other end that makes you succeed. And I'm going to succeed without your help (I mean, you haven't helped at all anyway).

You are a fat bitch. Yes, to this day, these words still had control over my mind. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't see a beautiful person. I saw the flaws. It's a miracle I didn't turn to starving myself which is basically what I did in "the guardian's" house. I didn't see myself as beautiful. But you know what, to those people who still think I'm fat and ugly. Shut your fucking mouth. Everyone is beautiful in their own way, no matter how big, small, fat, skinny, tall, short, black, white, tan, they are. I am beautiful.

Your mother was a bad mother. Oh, this is one of my favorites that I've kept my mouth shut about for way too long. My mother was not a bad mother. Oh, much the opposite. You are bad family members. I know you didn't approve of my father because he wasn'y a rich, business owner. I know that you were embarrassed when he shot Linda and plastered our family on the papers across the state. I know you tried to quietly get rid of my mother so that you "could raise us better." Never knew I knew that little tidbit did you? Oh, deny away. Some people know how to drive with cut brake lines. Then you ignored my mother. When she needed money, you refused. She had to borrow from her friends and later her awesome boss. My mother had fucking cancer. She was taking care of two children by herself. And you gave her a shitty stake truck that didn't work anyway. The woman needed to drive to work since you weren't helping her out. Then when she was too sick, you left her in the care of her 14 year old daughter. What kind of brothers and sisters are you? You didn't offer to help. When you told ME that I wasn't taking care of her correctly (oh I remember ALL THOSE conversations and how much it hurt because I was doing my best as a 14 fucking year old. I wasn't a professional caregiver.) And then you wouldn't even offer to come over and help. You never even brought over a meal to help out. What kind of family are you? I know my mother had a lot of pride, but that shouldn't even stop you. Who took care of her children when she was too sick to? Her best friend. And then when it came time to make arrangements for my mother's funeral and where Josh and I were supposed to go, you left this one person out of the mix entirely. You told her "not to come down because Cathy won't even know you're here anyway." Who the fuck tells someone's best friend not to come see their best friend on her deathbed? Who the fuck doesn't let her say goodbye? My mother wasn't the bad person, you all are.

And then there's the fact that you attempted to tarnish Linda's name with me. Oh, you tried real hard to not only convince me that my mother was a bad mother, but that her best friend was a liar and someone that I shouldn't trust. Like I said before, who was the person who took care of Josh and I when mom was sick all the time? Her. Who was the person who was between my father and the gun when he tried to take my brother and I on the April day? Her and her husband at the time, Matt. It wasn't you standing in front of the barrel of that shot gun, attempting to talk my father down. We didn't go to your house to seek refuge when my father got angry the night before. You weren't one of the first people to hold me or my brother on the day of our birth's. You are not going to tarnish the relationship of someone who, other than my mother, has been a part of my life since the moment I entered this world. You aren't going to take away the relationship with the woman that we spent our Easters, Thanksgivings, and Christmases with. We didn't spend them with you until she moved up north. I was supposed to live with her when my mother passed. But no, you stuck your faces in what my mother had planned and took her weakened condition to your advantage to convince her to sign papers to change all the plans she had  laid out.

Because you thought it wasn't too late to change me. So when I resisted, you told me that my mother was a horrible person. You attempted to change me to be under your power. You planted seeds. You thought you could turn me into someone that would make the family proud. Change her while she's young, convince her that everything that happened in her childhood was wrong. Nope, it never happened. Yes, for several years, I allowed myself to be under your control, but I renounce it. All those negative feelings, trying to make you happy with my decisions. I am done with that. I am defiant. Where have you been these past few years when I've been struggling? Where have you been when I spent a month living off of peanut butter and jelly and ramen because it was the only thing I could afford? Why did you take me off your health insurance so that I can't go see a doctor to get checked up and make sure something doesn't happen? You know, my biggest fear is something serious will happen and I won't have the money to pay for the hospital bills.

You think my career choice is horrible. Yup, you think because I am this "broken" individual, that I'll be a horrible psychologist. You thought Music Education was horrible. The only thing you liked was Nursing. So when I moved out and changed it all around, I saw the eye rolls. I'm not fucking stupid. I may have made it seem that I didn't notice these little cues, but I did. I saw you roll your eyes as I took food at the table. I saw the looks you gave me every time I took a fucking bite of food. I saw it all. You can't hide things from me. If there's anything I learned about myself, it's that I'm just really perceptive. I can pick up on moods, I can pick up on personalities, and I can change my behavior depending on the person in the room. And I think. I know, you always thought that I just let life pass by without thinking about it. That my mind was full of emptiness. That everything you ever said went in one ear and out the other. I wish that it had. I wouldn't be writing half of this. But at the same time, I'm glad it didn't. Why? Because unnoticed to you, I found out the family secrets. The ones you never planned on telling me. All the lies. You said I am a liar, yup I had my moments. But so are you. You all are liars. Omission is a lie, just so you know. And you thought it would all be kept quiet. One thing about our family, it never is quiet. I'm sure that this post will be read by almost all the aunties and several cousins before I get off work this morning. I know this. And you will either react, or stay silent. Or you'll ignore it. But in the end, I don't think my career choice is horrible. I think it's perfect. Ask my friends. Who do they come to when they need someone to listen? Me. And who will listen for hours without saying a word? Me. And who helps them when they are down? Me. I am a keeper of secrets. I have many secrets about all of my friends I shall never share. But in the end, I'm helping. That is why I'll make a good psychologist.

You say I don't have street smarts. You say that all my smarts are from the books I read. You say that I won't make it in this world because I have no way of getting myself through "the streets" so to say. Well, if there's anything I've learned, it's that I have more street smarts than you expected. I can obviously travel with the punches and come out on top. If anything, you all gave me most of those punches. And I was bruised but they have made me stronger. New flesh has grown in, tougher than before. I haven't moved home yet. I'm obviously still alive. I am making decisions that most 21 year olds don't make because they have families that care for them. They get to go home on weekends. Their families send them care packages, call them up for a chat, save a bed at home for them to sleep in during summer vacation. I don't have that. I don't have a place to call home. I live on my own. I make decisions on how to live. I can't call up my family when I'm low on cash and they send some more. It doesn't happen that way. I've survived over a year without a cent from that trust fund because I don't want to hear the lecture about the money in there. I can understand a lecture if I was like, "give me $200 so I can buy a new MP3 player." No, I ask him for money for rent. I don't even ask for food money. I ask for rent money. Money for I can live and not be homeless. Why is it so hard to get my money so that I can live?

A lie's a lie, no matter who it comes from. Yup, and as I said, a lie by omission is a lie all the same. Y'all are famous for that. Look at my father's death. Actually, want to know my favorite part of this whole thing? Uncle Dave told me my father was dead in December 2007. I was a senior in high school. Classes were about to be done before break and he told me on the way to school. How awesome is that? "Oh, your father passed away. Now go to school." He told me this in 2007. I grieved. I moved on. I didn't question him about funeral arrangements or anything. But it was a lie. So, when my father was actually dying in 2009, y'all held a little pow-wow and tried to figure out what to do. You left my father on life support when I was 18, and could have pulled the plug. NO ONE deserves to die the way my father did. On life support in a home. And then you did the most disrespectful thing ever. You left him there when he did die. You left him in Wayne County Morgue when he passed away in March of 2009. Not December 2007. One lie down. So you all decided that our guardians were the best people to tell us. Aunt Linda told my brother, but you think Uncle Dave is going to go back on the lie he told me in high school, call me up and actually tell me when my father died? You trusted him to do that? You shouldn't have. So I went on 2 more years, struggling through life without any of your help, when my father's family comes into the picture and tries to remedy the situation. Yes, I was sad my father died. But I was more hurt about the fact that no one fucking told me the truth. He was my father. I am his flesh and bone. You all spent 2 years deciding that it wasn't the time to tell me. Actually, you all thought I knew. Aunt Linda said she didn't find out until a few months before I did. Which I found out was a lie because she was one of the ones who got the paper WHEN he died. You all waited. I want to tell you one thing, as a future grief counselor, there is never a good time to tell someone their parent has passed away. Never. You just gotta do it. Pull off the band-aid. When it finally was torn from my heart, it took some flesh with it. I was more upset that I never knew and that my father was so disrespected. No one let his brothers and sisters know. They could have rid of it quietly and the lie could have continued. But you left him. No one, no matter what the hell they do in their life, should be left in a fucking morgue for 2 years before getting a pauper's funeral paid for by the state. What kind of people are you?

And the caged bird is flying away.

I understand what this all means. I know that it could possibly burn some bridges. These bridges were pretty rickety in the first place. But in the end, I don't want to keep relationships like this in my life. it's time for me to be happy. It's time for me to surround myself by the people who love me and don't say horrible things to my face (or behind my back). I know that things are said about me all the time, when I'm not around. Hell, I've even heard of Uncle Steve sticking up for me. Uncle Steve, another family member who is kinda the "shame" of our family. He isn't rich. But he's happy. You all kinda write him off as crazy. Call him a drunkard. Whatever. He's the only family member who has ever truly stuck up for me with no need for anything in return. He's the only family member who would tell me to come by and have some dinner when I was struggling. With his small means, him and Aunt Sue kept me fed during hard times, and sent me home with leftovers and roasts from their freezer. They kept me alive.

So, if there are some bridges burned, I will accept that. It's time to find the people who love me for me, and who will sit me down and not deny me the things I need to know. I am no longer a child. I have seen and dealt with more than many of you really have. I don't have parents. I lost my parents when I was a teenager. I don't have a place to call home.

I know, all of this is going to shame you. It will anger you. It will make you sad. You may say something to me about it. You may ignore it. You may write me off. But all I ask for is an actual sincere apology. I mean sincere, not the "oh I'm so sorry" bullshit. I want you to mean it. And the truth. I know the truth has always been a shaky subject when it comes to me, but I am not the person I was in high school. I wish you all would learn that (thought I doubt you will). If you want to write me off, send me away from the family for revealing the secrets, so fucking be it. Just remember, my generation of cousin's are doing things our way. Molly is doing things her way (and I know you pity her). We aren't under your control. I don't want you to pity me. I want you to accept me as the person I am, the strong woman that has made it on her own without you.  And when I actually get my doctorate and become Dr. Amelia, none of it will be because of you. I did it on my own terms, with my own decisions and no help from any of you whatsoever.

As my good friend told me, I am now a Honey Badger. If you don't know what that means, here's the link to the video. I no longer give a fuck. Judge me all you want, I'll be sitting back here smiling. You no longer control me. None of you. I will no longer let the negative thoughts and ideas rule my life. It just isn't worth the energy to be sad. Today, I conquer the darkness you forced me into.

Maybe it's time to step back and see how you treat people.

I'm as free as a bird now. And this bird you cannot change.

1. The Anthem- Good Charlotte
2. Dance Inside- The All-American Rejects
3. Just a Dream- Carrie Underwood
4. Wherever You Will Go- The Calling
5. Numb/Encore- Linkin Park/Jay-Z
6. Over My Head (Cable Car)- The Fray
7. Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)- Dixie Chicks
8. Perfect- Simple Plan
9. Dare You To Move- Switchfoot
10. Love Remains The Same- Gavin Rossdale
11. Your Guardian Angel- The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
12. Up Against The Wall- Boyslikegirls
13. Never Too Late- Three Days Grace
14. One Step Closer- Linkin Park
15. Miss Murder- AFI
16. Wasted- Carrie Underwood
17. You're Crashing But You're No Wave- Fall Out Boy

1 comment:

  1. I have a few comments,
    If you ever don't have enough money for food, rent, gas, and you don't call me I WILL KICK YOUR ASS!!!
    You have a home, because if I am alive, you will always have a place to go. My door is always open, as well as my heart.
    No matter what is said, what is done, you will ALWAYS be loved cause I have always been there when it counted. I count they don't

    auntie linny