A Rant About Friends

I remember a conversation I once had. It was at a party at Katrina's house during my Senior year, I was standing around the bonfire with Katrina's dad and a couple of her aunts and uncles. At this time, I was close with them as Katrina was my best friend. But I remember Katrina's  Aunt Michelle coming out and saying blatantly, "You know that you won't be friends with any of these friends you have in high school by the time you graduate. You'll all go off and do your own thing, lose contact with each other and will never be friends again."


Usually I just humor her aunt, it's easier that way sometimes, but at that moment I said, "I don't see that happening."


She just said, "Whatever. We'll see."

Nothing like a Tim Horton's run. So much has come up during those coffee runs, and they are some of my favorite memories. These people actually understand why we go there ALL THE TIME.

At the time, I knew that she had a few beers in her system, and though that always made her more apt to say things she wouldn't, this time I had a inkling that she was wrong.

And for the most part, she has been. It's interesting. I went into the college experience from an interesting Senior summer that included a jaw surgery, getting my driver's license and spending some of the best times of my life with my close friends around Lapeer. I knew it was all changing once I hit Flint, but at the same time, I didn't really know what to expect.


It's interesting looking back, now finished with my 4th year of college and to see what friends I do have. I say it's interesting because yes, my friend's list has changed, but there are a few important people who are still there. 

What a great trip! Seeing the bestie in Grand Rapids!

Katrina, for one. Her own aunt told me we wouldn't be friends by this time. But in 11 days, I am driving out to Grand Rapids to watch my best friend walk across that stage and receive her diploma. And I haven't been prouder. Katrina has worked her ass off for that degree, and well, I am happy to have been there for all of it.


But there was a time when it was all in doubt. There was some time in 2009 when my friends and I parted ways and I did things for myself for awhile there. Though I know why this happened, I'm glad that second chances sometimes need to happen. I'm glad that we gave each other a second chance at friendship, because some of them have become closer than ever before. Luna and I were close in 8th grade when we went on the Washington D.C. trip together. I will never forget her for introducing me to Baklava and Pocky on that trip. I also will never forget the laughs we had that whole time picking on Courtney. But we lost each other in high school for a bit but in the last couple of years, I have become closer than ever with her. I plan runs to Tim Horton's just to spend time with her and get her out of the house. She makes me smile and laugh daily.


But Courtney, is another example of how a friendship can be lost over the years. In high school, we were like peas and carrots. Always together. Whenever someone broke his heart, or something happened at home, I was the friend he came to when he needed to talk it out and have a good cry. After high school, he found his new friends, and though he associates with us via Facebook (but never answers back) it has gotten awkward at times. He is marrying his fiance in less than a month. None of his "old friends" as we now call ourselves, were invited, even his best friend Zach who grew up with him. Low blow man, low blow.

New Year's 2011. 

But sometimes second chances are beautiful things. Josh gave me a second chance (and even third actually) and well, we are still great friends. Even though he lives in Georgia, we are trying to plan a trip to meet in the middle and have a few days of good times. And interestingly enough, second chances are not just received, but given. Not more than about 5 months ago did Zac Sanborn ask for forgiveness in his own way. For apologizing for how much of an asshole he was in high school, he asked for me to realize how much he had changed. He had told me that I saved his life with my endless optimism. Some may say that was flattery, but I came to learn that it was the truth.

I haven't been happier with the decision. The amount of things I have gotten through in talking with Zac in the past few months have been insurmountable. It is true, he knows more about me than about 99% of the people I know do, but at the same time, he has let me come into a confidence about myself that I never had before. We have fostered a friendship that I don't think will ever go away for the rest of my life.

These are my girls, getting ready for another crazy night out on the town.

It's all interesting how relationships happen. On my very first day of college, in my English class, my professor told us to turn to someone, share our contact information just in case we missed class. The person I turned to was Tanisha on that fateful afternoon. And 2 years down the road, she became my roommate and we have become such close friends. And Abijah, being Tanisha's friend, naturally fell into place as one of my good friends as well. And Mindu, she was just put in our room as our last roommate, and it was a relationship that I cherish. She'll always be my Indian roommate, no matter if she's living in Boston now with her husband or not.


Some friendships become more. If you told me last year that I would be happily in a relationship, I probably would say you were being too hopeful. Not that I didn't want one, I just didn't see myself ever being "wanted" by someone. But then Kevin came along. I met Kevin just after I lost Sam, in a nursing class. And we became friends. Kevin learned everything about me, he became one of my best friends. And now he is my boyfriend. Let me just say this, becoming friends with the person you end up in a relationship with first is such a good idea. You get over the awkward "this is what I do for a living," "my favorite blah blah is." And it makes for a stronger relationship because they know what upsets you, they know what you cherish and they know how to cheer you up in the long run. Seriously, don't friendzone.

Oh Kevin :)

All-in-All though, Katrina's Aunt Michelle was right at some point. See my friend's list isn't the same as if was 4 years ago. At the end of high school, I had my friends from Lapeer, and that was about it. But after 4 years of college, I have the friends from high school that mattered, I have friends from high school that I never expected to be friends with now, friends from high school who have become better friends (this includes you Jessica!) and my friends who my college experience has added to the mix. I'm sure that as the years come, these friendships will be challenged, shaped and strengthened. And new friends will be added to the mix.


Friends are the family that you pick for yourself. Sometimes you aren't as close to your family, and your friends step in. Friends listen to you, and they know you'll listen to them when you need it. They are the people you call upon when you need to rant, when you need someone to come pick you up from whatever situation, the people whose shoulders you cry on when sad and upset and the people who'll ask you who they need to kill when that happens.


I have chosen myself a lovely family of friends who have been there for so much. And I thank God everyday for letting these people come into my life and making it better. I love you all, you are all good people. Let's change the world together!

My bestie. This girl has seen me angry (Which doesn't happen often), seen me sick, sad, crying, and happy. Really, name an emotion, I'm sure she's been there for it (or helped over the phone). From squeals over what was happening on Glee to discussing life, this girl will forever be my sister.

This one's for you: Trina, Luna, Hoffa, Zac, Kevin, Abijah, Tanisha, Mindu, Jess, Jessica, Boesler, Sarah, Colonel, Guida, Cody, my lovely cousin Molly (who is also such a wonderful friend) and everyone else who makes me get through another day with a smile on my face!

Music
1. Raise Your Glass- P!nk
2. Battery- Metallica
3. Everything's Not Lost- Vitamin String Quartet
4. Leave The Light On- Garth Brooks
5. Dirty Little Secret- The All-American Rejects
6. Be Like That- 3 Doors Down
7. Still- Matt Nathanson
8. Some Day- Shinedown
9. Hit Me Baby One More Time- Bowling for Soup
10. In Another's Eyes- Garth Brooks /w Trish Yearwood
11. Memories- Panic! at the Disco

Busy Bee and Other Thoughts

Ah life has been busy as of late, not that it isn't always busy, but there are some days where I just don't feel that I can catch a breath. The semester is winding down, I'm trying to keep myself motivated to finish strong and not give in to my bed that is saying that I don't spend enough time in it, my immune system is kicking it in high gear to keep me from getting sick with the stress. Oh life...

But a lot of the busyness has been fun! Last Thursday evening, Zac, Hoffa and I went to Oakland to see Guida. I hadn't seen him since December and well...I missed him. I remember times when I saw him almost everyday and summers when I saw him often. I missed my Guida hugs and just talking to him about music things that he understands. We went out to Steak N Shake which was quite wonderful. I had a yummy strawberry banana shake and such. Then we went and walked around Great Lakes Crossing. It's a mile all around, and well, after the meal, it was nice getting a walk in. Then we just hung and talked for awhile before taking Guida back to Oakland.

After that, we grabbed Luna in Lapeer and had some Timmie Ho's. Jessica came to join us. We had wonderful conversation, many laughs AND we met the book lady that always sits in there reading when we are there. Her name is Jill and she is one of the owners of the Bookshelf in Lapeer, a new/used bookstore that has been there for many years!

You can see "The Book Lady" aka Jill in the background lol

I had Friday off so I slept verrrryyyy late (which is what I needed) and when Kevin got out of work at 5, he took me over to his house. He had moved recently and I hadn't seen his new house. He is now country folk lol! He moved from being in the city all his life to a house on a dirt road. It makes me laugh at the things he and his parents don't know about living on a dirt road, including the grating and the dust treatments. And how to drive on a back road. OH MY! Don't even get me started. I just hope that Kevin learns before something happens!

Anyway, we had a wonderful dinner. I got to spend time with his dad again (for the 2nd time ever...since he is normally working when I go over for dinner. He works 2nd shift). They invited me over for dinner on Saturday, even though Kevin wasn't going to be there. You know your boyfriend's parents approve when you are invited over when he isn't there!

That night we went out to Theta Chi, a fraternity, for a Luau party. That is always a wonderful time. We followed that with some Mega for some breakfast. 

Saturday morning I had to work, then I headed out to Kevin's house. It has been decided that: a) my car is cooler than Kevin's and b) that I am on babysitting duty when his parents 25th wedding anniversary comes up in June. They put me in charge since they don't trust Kevin :P!

Sunday I went to meet more of Kevin's extended family at his Aunt's house in Clio. I laughed because most of them were like, "and you must be Amelia." While they couldn't remember some family member's names that have been around, they knew mine when they never met me. I guess Kevin having a girlfriend is news, but it was nice meeting them. There was an epic Easter Egg Hunt (633 eggs!), and a silly string fight. After the party, Kevin and I went to see Titanic in 3D in Grand Blanc. I totally noticed things I never noticed before (including how bad the acting truly is causing me to laugh at times that I shouldn't have.) 

Other thoughts...

Remember this, watch how you portray your thoughts in your face during conversation. Most conversational cues are taken from physical expression not what is said. This is why the written word needs to be so detailed. To understand a situation, you also need to understand the expression used on the face. This being said, you may not portray through words an opinion on someone, but your eyes, mouth and other cues may give another impression to those you are speaking with. Such as pity, you can say one thing, but with the look on your face, it may be taken as pity. Or guilt, or sadness. These expressions are complicated but easily understood, even when the words you are saying are not expressing that. As someone who has studied the psychological arts (including the work of Paul Eckman for several months), I understand facial cues on a different level than some. I don't want to be seen as conceited by saying that, I am just stating that I can read more into conversations than others (which always makes life much more interesting).

Also know that the whole story should be known. I understand that I pointed some fingers that shouldn't have been pointed, but I have also noticed how different the "story" is from each party. I will say this, I was wrong with how I wrote that out. I was angry, and as one family member said, "I brought people down in my healing process." Sometimes when things build up, you need to get them out. I am not ashamed in what I wrote, I am not going to rescind it but I will apologize for the strong feelings I made you all feel. To the aunt that cried, to the aunt that got angry and cast me off, to the aunt that thinks I've gone crazy, I apologize for making you feel those things. I do not apologize for what I said. I think we all need to take away from this that the "story" is not clear still, as differing parties have different views of how it all went. 

I will also state that there were times when I was young and you were trying to protect me from the world. I understand now you were protecting me. But now I don't need to be protected per se. I need to know what really happened. I should have approached the subject in this matter, but I didn't. And it made people upset. That's life, it happens. Maybe someday, far down the road, we'll all come to an understanding that it all needed to be let out, to no longer eat away at my heart and mind and cloud everything. I am thinking much more clear about life, and my future. It was part of my healing process and I know that to some, it was wrong. To some, it was a long time coming. To others, it was daring and needed. Yes, I brought others down in flames with me, there were better ways to go about it, but at the same time, you listened. You reacted. For once, it wasn't all ignored and swept to the side. I understand that I won't be going to the Tubing Bash, I won't be welcomed at certain homes for holidays, that I burned bridges. I will deal with that as it comes. I will make my own traditions, I will still lead my life in whatever manner comes. When my times comes, everything that has been said and done will be between me and God.

I did say at the beginning of the year that 2012 was going to be a year of change. And well, it is beginning. I am no longer angry, with any of you. I just want you to know that. Maybe in the future, we can wipe the slate clean, I'll agree to not judge you on past transgressions is you promise to do the same. For now, I don't see that in the near future. I don't even think any of you are reading this right now. 

For now I'll aim towards this:

• Classes ending next Monday
• 2 papers, 2 finals, and 2 performances at Commencement before summer
• Moving to 317
• Enjoying my summer with friends and Kevin as much as I can.
• Finding another job
• Living life
• Getting everything set in stone to finish my last year at UM-Flint and graduating next April/May

Music

1. Famous Last Words- My Chemical Romance

2. Open Up Your Eyes- Daughtry

3. Never Too Late- Three Days Grace

4. The Dance- Garth Brooks

5. Dig- Incubus

6. Declaration- David Cook

7. Whiskey Lullabye- Allison Krauss/Brad Paisley

8. White Blank Page- Mumford & Sons

9. Dreaming With A Broken Heart- John Mayer

Another photo for good measure. I love these girls!

Oh April...

Ah, it is now the lovely month of April and some things are setting in. One of them is that I will be moving rooms in less than a month...which means that packing and cleaning will need to commence...VERY SOON! I'm still waiting to hear word as to someone moving into my room for the summer...if they aren't I will be able to keep a majority of my things in my room for the summer...just packed up. Which means I will still need to pack. eee gads!


Being as it's April, it is no longer March, which means there was a new white board picture!

March 2012 was full of many memories. My bro and his fiance came to visit. Celia, one of the girls who I know through band and lives here at RF came over, Zac (aka the other man) was over several times, Kevin turned 21 (and still parties like a bitch...but he's learning). We realized we still miss Mindu. Tanisha told me hilarious Blayne stories. I took on the word. We played lots of Rockbans and well, it was just an interesting month. 


Tuesday evening my friend Steve (aka Hoffa) came over for the first time. He had never hung out in my apartment in Flint, which needed to be remedied. So that was a night of Rockband, and then just some hangout time. We had some enlightening conversations which were an all over good time. Hoffa is my bro and I know the he would protect me if needed. I love that kid.

It was also the night of the official invention of The Hoffa:

1oz Smirnoff Raspberry Vodka

1oz Smirnoff Watermelon Vodka

1/2oz Watermelon Pucker

1/2oz Peach Schnapps

5oz Monster Khaos Energy Drink

Served over ice.

Last night was my last band concert of this school year. We played a variety of music from throughout the year. Two of my favorite pieces we played were Summer Dances by Brian Balmadges and October by Eric Whitacre. Though I was worried that the concert wasn't going to go to well (Rehearsals the day of always make you feel like you're going to be horrible), it ended up going rather well. I hadn't been in the band much this semester since I only was going once a week due to my French class being during rehearsal time on Mondays (I asked if this was all right beforehand) and some other things coming up. I am happy to say that next fall, I will be back 100% and making music, this whole going to band once a week thing really actually kinda sucked. It made me realize how much I will miss making music after I graduate. I guess then it'll be time to fit a community band into my schedule! I see playing clarinet as something I will do for the rest of my entire life. It is something that is important to me, and well, it's worth it!

Okay off my soapbox!

Book review(s):

So, I decided since this is MY blog, that I would share other aspects of my life. I have become a lot more organized with my time this semester, after figuring out how to balance everything, and have had time to read plenty of books. For pleasure. I say that because many college students don't spend time reading for pleasure. Let me say, it CAN be done. I work part-time, go to school full-time, am currently pulling a 3.8 this semester AND read for fun.

Over the past few months I've read some really enjoyable books, some I've had for a while and wanted to read. One of them was The Vow. I actually bought this after I heard of the movie coming out. I had started reading it before after borrowing it from a library, but never finished. This time, I read it all in 4 hours and it was a great story about love, faith and hanging in there when the going gets tough. Kevin and I saw the movie for Valentine's Day and it doesn't even give justice to the book. Shame.

Another one I've held on to for a long time was The Lucky One by Nicholas Sparks. I will say this, I am an UTTER Sparks fan. I own everything he's ever written. He is such a great story teller. But when I bought this one over 2 years ago, I just couldn't get into it. It started out a little slow for my taste. Every time I picked it up, I would get to about the 3rd chapter and not go on. But this time, I kept going. The movie for it is coming out soon, and I just can't justify seeing a movie until I've read the book. It was worth it. The story, though a little slow at the beginning, picks up as you notice the secrets that make everything suspenseful. Then the end, though in every Nicholas Sparks book someone (or some animal) passes away, he has gotten better at surprising you with how it happens. I read his book, The Best of Me last semester (another amazing book) and those surprising endings get you! I warn you though, don't pick one of his books up if you aren't prepared to cry.

Then I read The Hunger Games Series. The Hunger Games, Catching Fire, and Mockingjay are just as amazing as I've always heard they are. I have heard about them for over a year now, with just how good they are, and I finally ordered them when I ordered my textbooks for this semester. The movie for The Hunger Games was coming out, and like I said, I read the book before seeing the movie. Always. I devoured the first book in 2 days. The story of the distopian future of our world after years of going downhill, the districts controlled by one capitol. The book was very well written and kept you guessing. It led right into Catching Fire which I read in one day. Started in the morning and finished by late that night. It led right into Mockingjay which I read over a few days (hey, it was Kevin's birthday/St. Patty's day weekend...I was busy!). I don't want to give too much away on them because YOU SHOULD GO READ THEM, LIKE NOW! But I have to say this: The movie was the best movie from book adaption I have ever seen (Other than The Last Song which the author wrote the movie before the book). They kept in all they could and changed very little. I heard that the screenplay was written by Suzanne Collins (the author) which may have been why it was so good.

Right now I am reading The Help. I'll make sure to let you know what I think when I finish. Then I need to rent that movie and watch it since I've heard it is also really good (And well, like I said, I have to read the book first!)

All book titles have been linked to their respective Amazon pages so if you feel the need to find out more/BUY THEM...feel free! :)

Coming Attractions:

• This afternoon, I am off to Oakland to see our friend Guida. I haven't seen him in five-ever (longer then forever). Actually it has been since Christmas break and that was for a rather short time. But I guess he has a girlfriend who I am excited to meet.  (I felt like a proud mama when he told me that haha). We have plans to get some Steak N Shake which I have an awesome coupon for thanks to the huge coupon book I got from Aunt Linney for Christmas. It's time to get s discount on ALL THE FOOD!
• I don't work Friday or Sunday. I heard a rumor of going to a Theta Chi party on Friday. Them Theta boys are the best. Me gusta!
• I'm spending Easter with Kevin's family...which means I get to meet more of them. I'm not going to lie, I am rather nervous. Easter is at his aunt's house, there is an Easter egg hunt and everything. It should be a nice afternoon to say the least (and we're both looking forward to holiday food which is always the best)
• Later this month, I am hosting what is called the "Pink Party." Why? Because I have these awesome pink solo cups I want to use. We are going to drink pink drinks, eat pink things (I'm trying to get Abijah to make pink cupcakes) and just celebrate the semester being over (it's after finals week) before Tanisha and I move out of 512 for the summer. I can't wait for our last year in that room, we miss Mindu but we both hope that our next roommate will be awesome (of course, I don't think they can be as awesome as Mindu!)

Music:

1. Summer Dances- Brian Balmadges

2. Amaryllis- Shinedown

3. Second Chance- Shinedown

4. October- Eric Whitacre

5. My Name (Wearing Me Out)- Shinedown

6. Kids in the Street- The All-American Rejects

Only 11 more days til my last class, 18 til my last exam and 24 until my last UM related activity until September!!!

Hairitude!

So yesterday, I realized that it was a year since the moment I shaved my head in honor of all the beautiful women who go through cancer treatment every year. Last January, I decided that if I reached my goal for Relay For Life, I would shave it all off. So on March 30, 2011, I received the last donation that set me over my goal. First thing I did was make a call to the salon down the road from Riverfront. That afternoon after classes, I shaved it all off. In a $20 haircut (totally more than I expected) I cut off over 8 inches of hair.

March 30, 2011: Right after I cut it all off.

I was really curious with how it would grow in over the year. I said I was going to do a comparison picture a year later. But over the year, it was interesting seeing it all grow in slowly. Yes, it had it's awkward stages, but for the most part, it was interesting embracing the changing lengths.

In our society, women are known for their long hair. So when one loses her hair, she feels like less of a woman. Having to deal with these self esteem issues while also dealing with issues from serious diseases can cause insurmountable amount of pain. There are some women who embrace the hair loss beautifully and will go without anything on their heads, or wear head scarves. Many women will buy wigs. There is no shame in wearing a wig, it allows you to not be viewed as much as someone dealing with a disease. Any woman who goes through the fight of her life, no matter if she passes or not, is a hero in my eyes.

I shaved my head for these women. The fighters. The ones who go everyday with trying to keep their lives together while dealing with serious illnesses. And I would do it again. Every year actually, if it would help one woman feel better about herself!

Taken on April 6, 2011.

May 28th, 2011

May 15th, 2011

June 25th, 2011

June 7th, 2011

July 14th, 2011

July 20th, 2011

August 9th, 2011

August 18th, 2011

September 15th, 2011

October 3rd, 2011

November 1st, 2011

November 11th, 2011

December 16th, 2011

February 19th, 2012

March 17th, 2012

All we can say is that it's been an interesting year!

Weekends!

So, I know that many of you want a reaction and/or response to last Thursday's post. This is not the time for that. This is time for a happy post, as like I said, I'm moving on.

This weekend was wonderful!


Thursday night Tanisha, Abijah, their friend Matt, Cass and I went out to a Karaoke bar. None of us sang anything, but we were entertained by the more and more drunkened singing of our bar compatriots. IT was so entertaining. Many of the songs make me think of my childhood as many of them are old country songs! We have also learned that the DJ has a thing for Adele. For the first hour or so, it was always an Adele song between each of the karaoke songs.

Friday came with work, but after work Zac came over for some Rockband which ended with a conversation over coffee on my kitchen floor. Do not ask me why we ended up on the kitchen floor, we just did! After that, Tanisha, Jasmine (our RA) and I were off to Lapeer for The Blind Fish. If you've never been there and are in the area...GO! It is literally my. favorite. restaurant. I like to get the steak and crab legs surf and turf. I eat the crab legs in the restaurant and usually take the whole steak and most of my potato side home with me to eat for lunch the next day! This time I also tried the stuffed mushrooms. Super amazing!

We met up with our friend Cody there for dinner. We all call him grandpa because he tends to go to bed early, but we love that man! I've known him since I was about 4 years old, we grew up together (oh Hadley/Murphy)! It was nice catching up with him though, since he's been oober busy being all Mr. paramedic and stuff. Saving lives, makes me proud!

After that, we were back to the apartment where Abijah and her friend Matt came over. We played some more Rockband, watched a few hours of 1000 Ways to Die while playing Mad Gab and then played a little You Don't Know Jack before I was like...sleeeepppppp!

Saturday morning came and I got up for the day I've been waiting for now for several months. Back in January, Katrina and Jessica decided they were going to celebrate their birthday by going to see a show at the Machine Shop. I had never been there before. So the weekend between their birthdays, Pop Evil was coming so it was decided. Kevin got our tickets awhile back so it was the waiting that was killing me!

This is what happens when you show the sisters the cartoon/kid noises that my camera makes. Oh the hilarity!

I went to Lapeer in the early afternoon to hang with Katrina, who was home. We played some Euchre and Hoffa came over to join us. We tried to go to Blondies for ice cream...but they were closed at 3 on a Saturday. So we went out to Past Tense for ice cream. Back to trina's where we continued our Euchre and Cody came to join us.

Hoffa really liked his ice cream :)

At about 4:30, we were off to Brian's for dinner. the group of us: Katrina, Erin, Colleen, Hoffa, Zac, Jessica, Cody, Sarah, Boesler, Baby Ben and I had a wonderful dinner in the corner with many laughs. We were probably the rowdiest bunch in there. The poor waitress had to deal with us, but she did a WONDERFUL job!

Look at Baby Ben, he is the cutest thing EVER!

After that we were off to the Machine Shop for the show. I was excited as I had never been to a show at the Shop. We got there early and were partying out to the music they had playing. Someone from Banana 101.5 asked us if they could take our picture.

This was right on Banana 101.5's Facebook page! We are such an awesome group!

All the bands were amazing. I was especially happy with Finding Clyde's new sound. I love it! Pop Evil was actually taping us for a TV show, which rocks! They also had the former UM Football captain with them so it was a party night. So much fun was had, and at the end of the night, I caught one of their guitar pics! Nothing like a free souvenir.

Me and the bestie. I love this girl!

We had planned to go to Tim Horton's after, but in the end, we just all went home. It took until yesterday morning for my ears to officially stop ringing and my hearing to return. I'll probably pay for that when I get older. But it was such a fun night!

Sunday came work and homework. Boo! But overall, the weekend was such a win!

Coming Attractions!


Planned for the next few weeks are:

• I get to finally see The Hunger Games on Friday (After payday!) with Tanisha. I read the books oober fast, and well I can't wait to see it. I've heard wonderful things!
• Sunday I'm heading out to Lansing for some shenanigans with Molly!
• Hoffa is finally making his first Flint debut next Tuesday night. I can't wait to spend more time with that boy!
• I have my band concert next Wednesday. I am actually just ready for it to be over with.
• Next Thursday, Zac, Hoffa and I are heading down to Oakland to see Guida. I haven't see Guida in awhile now, it'll be nice to catch up.
• And, Easter at Kevin's! Woot!
• We also throw in a Pink Party/Moving Out Party into the mix by the end of the month, but I'm sure more things will come up between then!

Music:
1. Valentine- Martina McBride
2. Who Says You Can't Go Home- Bon Jovi/Jennifer Nettles
3. Rush- Aly & AJ
4. Headstrong- Trapt
5. Perfect- Simple Plan
6. Sweet Home Alabama- Lynyrd Skynyrd
7. The Anthem- Good Charlotte
8. Meant to Live- Switchfoot

Promises, Promises

Promises. Promises are big things. For some people, they aren't seen as important, but when I make a promise, I find a way to follow through. Promises are important.


Which is why I am going to start this post out with one of the biggest promises I've made in a very long time. I knew that something was going on, because Kevin was dropping hints. (Sorry honey, you just can't keep a secret) And then there's the fact that I'm just really good at finding things out without even finding things out. ANYWAY, last week at Kevin's birthday, he was all like, "Do you want me to tell you or do you want me to wait?" I said wait...but he told me anyway.


He had bought me a promise ring. I had reblogged something on Tumblr a long time ago with a picture of a simple ring made out of silver wire with a knot. Some girl was bashing it's meaning, and well I thought it was a cute idea at the time. For "young" relationships. I guess Kevin thought it was perfect as well, and tracked it down and bought it. But on his birthday (which was 2 days before our 3 month anniversary), he was still waiting for it to show up. So he asked me anyway (I think the alcohol played a role in why this happened that night.) He said that he promised forever, that he would, down the road, have a better job where he could buy me a real ring, and we could get married and have kids and spend the rest of our lives together.


And I said yes.


Now before you think that we are moving too fast, I want you to be reminded: I've known AND been friends with Kevin for over 2 years now. The fact that we weren't dating is still really a mystery to the both of us. It just didn't happen. But I trust him, I share everything with him, and he knows my faults. Yes, we both have some learning to do, but that comes with time.


And it's just a promise ring. A small token that I can wear to show that I am loved by someone else and that eventually, down the road, we will be together. This is a promise I intend to keep for the rest of my life.

Simple, and perfect.

And then the caged bird sings


I'm not going to say that I didn't freak out for a few the other day. I did. Majorly. It wasn't second thoughts, but more negative thoughts that were creeping in. My brain decided to remind me that the last time I let someone in this far, well I lost them. I'll never forget Sam. That is true. That boy got me through so much that summer that I don't think anyone will ever understand. So my brain was thinking, 'what if you lose Kevin too?' and I freaked out. I went for a drive. Listened to old music. Cried. And thought of my mother and how I wished she was here to talk to about all this and express how happy I am. And I cried more.


And it put me in this kind of funk for the past couple days. The only thing that has slowly been getting me out of the funk is my new decision. One to let myself be happy. This is where this caged bird will sing a song of sorrow and anguish.


I realized last night that the darkness that I've fought for years are't thoughts and memories. They are ideas. These ideas were planted in my head by the people who are supposed to love me the most. My family. Yup, it's time to get out all these things that have been in my head. The "truths" that have been told to me that have kept me locked up all these years. These thoughts in my head have kept me under your control, even when you're not a big part of my life.


You're going to be a failure and end up like your father. First of all, fuck you. My father was a smart and wonderful man. But he was depressed and when you are depressed you tend to lose interest in life. He didn't work because he got laid off and then was depressed. My father wasn't a failure, everyone around him failed to get him the help he needed. My father was a smart man, smarter than I'll probably ever be. And I would like to see you tell me that I'm a failure. When I was 18 years old, I moved out on my own and though I struggled, I have put together a life that is wonderful in it's own way. It's a thing of beauty really. I have friends that love me. I am going to college and getting a degree. I have a job. I am living in a nice apartment complex. My life is not a failure. Yes, I struggle. WHO THE HELL DOESN'T AT TIMES? It's coming out the other end that makes you succeed. And I'm going to succeed without your help (I mean, you haven't helped at all anyway).


You are a fat bitch. Yes, to this day, these words still had control over my mind. When I looked in the mirror, I didn't see a beautiful person. I saw the flaws. It's a miracle I didn't turn to starving myself which is basically what I did in "the guardian's" house. I didn't see myself as beautiful. But you know what, to those people who still think I'm fat and ugly. Shut your fucking mouth. Everyone is beautiful in their own way, no matter how big, small, fat, skinny, tall, short, black, white, tan, they are. I am beautiful.


Your mother was a bad mother. Oh, this is one of my favorites that I've kept my mouth shut about for way too long. My mother was not a bad mother. Oh, much the opposite. You are bad family members. I know you didn't approve of my father because he wasn'y a rich, business owner. I know that you were embarrassed when he shot Linda and plastered our family on the papers across the state. I know you tried to quietly get rid of my mother so that you "could raise us better." Never knew I knew that little tidbit did you? Oh, deny away. Some people know how to drive with cut brake lines. Then you ignored my mother. When she needed money, you refused. She had to borrow from her friends and later her awesome boss. My mother had fucking cancer. She was taking care of two children by herself. And you gave her a shitty stake truck that didn't work anyway. The woman needed to drive to work since you weren't helping her out. Then when she was too sick, you left her in the care of her 14 year old daughter. What kind of brothers and sisters are you? You didn't offer to help. When you told ME that I wasn't taking care of her correctly (oh I remember ALL THOSE conversations and how much it hurt because I was doing my best as a 14 fucking year old. I wasn't a professional caregiver.) And then you wouldn't even offer to come over and help. You never even brought over a meal to help out. What kind of family are you? I know my mother had a lot of pride, but that shouldn't even stop you. Who took care of her children when she was too sick to? Her best friend. And then when it came time to make arrangements for my mother's funeral and where Josh and I were supposed to go, you left this one person out of the mix entirely. You told her "not to come down because Cathy won't even know you're here anyway." Who the fuck tells someone's best friend not to come see their best friend on her deathbed? Who the fuck doesn't let her say goodbye? My mother wasn't the bad person, you all are.


And then there's the fact that you attempted to tarnish Linda's name with me. Oh, you tried real hard to not only convince me that my mother was a bad mother, but that her best friend was a liar and someone that I shouldn't trust. Like I said before, who was the person who took care of Josh and I when mom was sick all the time? Her. Who was the person who was between my father and the gun when he tried to take my brother and I on the April day? Her and her husband at the time, Matt. It wasn't you standing in front of the barrel of that shot gun, attempting to talk my father down. We didn't go to your house to seek refuge when my father got angry the night before. You weren't one of the first people to hold me or my brother on the day of our birth's. You are not going to tarnish the relationship of someone who, other than my mother, has been a part of my life since the moment I entered this world. You aren't going to take away the relationship with the woman that we spent our Easters, Thanksgivings, and Christmases with. We didn't spend them with you until she moved up north. I was supposed to live with her when my mother passed. But no, you stuck your faces in what my mother had planned and took her weakened condition to your advantage to convince her to sign papers to change all the plans she had  laid out.


Because you thought it wasn't too late to change me. So when I resisted, you told me that my mother was a horrible person. You attempted to change me to be under your power. You planted seeds. You thought you could turn me into someone that would make the family proud. Change her while she's young, convince her that everything that happened in her childhood was wrong. Nope, it never happened. Yes, for several years, I allowed myself to be under your control, but I renounce it. All those negative feelings, trying to make you happy with my decisions. I am done with that. I am defiant. Where have you been these past few years when I've been struggling? Where have you been when I spent a month living off of peanut butter and jelly and ramen because it was the only thing I could afford? Why did you take me off your health insurance so that I can't go see a doctor to get checked up and make sure something doesn't happen? You know, my biggest fear is something serious will happen and I won't have the money to pay for the hospital bills.


You think my career choice is horrible. Yup, you think because I am this "broken" individual, that I'll be a horrible psychologist. You thought Music Education was horrible. The only thing you liked was Nursing. So when I moved out and changed it all around, I saw the eye rolls. I'm not fucking stupid. I may have made it seem that I didn't notice these little cues, but I did. I saw you roll your eyes as I took food at the table. I saw the looks you gave me every time I took a fucking bite of food. I saw it all. You can't hide things from me. If there's anything I learned about myself, it's that I'm just really perceptive. I can pick up on moods, I can pick up on personalities, and I can change my behavior depending on the person in the room. And I think. I know, you always thought that I just let life pass by without thinking about it. That my mind was full of emptiness. That everything you ever said went in one ear and out the other. I wish that it had. I wouldn't be writing half of this. But at the same time, I'm glad it didn't. Why? Because unnoticed to you, I found out the family secrets. The ones you never planned on telling me. All the lies. You said I am a liar, yup I had my moments. But so are you. You all are liars. Omission is a lie, just so you know. And you thought it would all be kept quiet. One thing about our family, it never is quiet. I'm sure that this post will be read by almost all the aunties and several cousins before I get off work this morning. I know this. And you will either react, or stay silent. Or you'll ignore it. But in the end, I don't think my career choice is horrible. I think it's perfect. Ask my friends. Who do they come to when they need someone to listen? Me. And who will listen for hours without saying a word? Me. And who helps them when they are down? Me. I am a keeper of secrets. I have many secrets about all of my friends I shall never share. But in the end, I'm helping. That is why I'll make a good psychologist.


You say I don't have street smarts. You say that all my smarts are from the books I read. You say that I won't make it in this world because I have no way of getting myself through "the streets" so to say. Well, if there's anything I've learned, it's that I have more street smarts than you expected. I can obviously travel with the punches and come out on top. If anything, you all gave me most of those punches. And I was bruised but they have made me stronger. New flesh has grown in, tougher than before. I haven't moved home yet. I'm obviously still alive. I am making decisions that most 21 year olds don't make because they have families that care for them. They get to go home on weekends. Their families send them care packages, call them up for a chat, save a bed at home for them to sleep in during summer vacation. I don't have that. I don't have a place to call home. I live on my own. I make decisions on how to live. I can't call up my family when I'm low on cash and they send some more. It doesn't happen that way. I've survived over a year without a cent from that trust fund because I don't want to hear the lecture about the money in there. I can understand a lecture if I was like, "give me $200 so I can buy a new MP3 player." No, I ask him for money for rent. I don't even ask for food money. I ask for rent money. Money for I can live and not be homeless. Why is it so hard to get my money so that I can live?


A lie's a lie, no matter who it comes from. Yup, and as I said, a lie by omission is a lie all the same. Y'all are famous for that. Look at my father's death. Actually, want to know my favorite part of this whole thing? Uncle Dave told me my father was dead in December 2007. I was a senior in high school. Classes were about to be done before break and he told me on the way to school. How awesome is that? "Oh, your father passed away. Now go to school." He told me this in 2007. I grieved. I moved on. I didn't question him about funeral arrangements or anything. But it was a lie. So, when my father was actually dying in 2009, y'all held a little pow-wow and tried to figure out what to do. You left my father on life support when I was 18, and could have pulled the plug. NO ONE deserves to die the way my father did. On life support in a home. And then you did the most disrespectful thing ever. You left him there when he did die. You left him in Wayne County Morgue when he passed away in March of 2009. Not December 2007. One lie down. So you all decided that our guardians were the best people to tell us. Aunt Linda told my brother, but you think Uncle Dave is going to go back on the lie he told me in high school, call me up and actually tell me when my father died? You trusted him to do that? You shouldn't have. So I went on 2 more years, struggling through life without any of your help, when my father's family comes into the picture and tries to remedy the situation. Yes, I was sad my father died. But I was more hurt about the fact that no one fucking told me the truth. He was my father. I am his flesh and bone. You all spent 2 years deciding that it wasn't the time to tell me. Actually, you all thought I knew. Aunt Linda said she didn't find out until a few months before I did. Which I found out was a lie because she was one of the ones who got the paper WHEN he died. You all waited. I want to tell you one thing, as a future grief counselor, there is never a good time to tell someone their parent has passed away. Never. You just gotta do it. Pull off the band-aid. When it finally was torn from my heart, it took some flesh with it. I was more upset that I never knew and that my father was so disrespected. No one let his brothers and sisters know. They could have rid of it quietly and the lie could have continued. But you left him. No one, no matter what the hell they do in their life, should be left in a fucking morgue for 2 years before getting a pauper's funeral paid for by the state. What kind of people are you?


And the caged bird is flying away.


I understand what this all means. I know that it could possibly burn some bridges. These bridges were pretty rickety in the first place. But in the end, I don't want to keep relationships like this in my life. it's time for me to be happy. It's time for me to surround myself by the people who love me and don't say horrible things to my face (or behind my back). I know that things are said about me all the time, when I'm not around. Hell, I've even heard of Uncle Steve sticking up for me. Uncle Steve, another family member who is kinda the "shame" of our family. He isn't rich. But he's happy. You all kinda write him off as crazy. Call him a drunkard. Whatever. He's the only family member who has ever truly stuck up for me with no need for anything in return. He's the only family member who would tell me to come by and have some dinner when I was struggling. With his small means, him and Aunt Sue kept me fed during hard times, and sent me home with leftovers and roasts from their freezer. They kept me alive.


So, if there are some bridges burned, I will accept that. It's time to find the people who love me for me, and who will sit me down and not deny me the things I need to know. I am no longer a child. I have seen and dealt with more than many of you really have. I don't have parents. I lost my parents when I was a teenager. I don't have a place to call home.


I know, all of this is going to shame you. It will anger you. It will make you sad. You may say something to me about it. You may ignore it. You may write me off. But all I ask for is an actual sincere apology. I mean sincere, not the "oh I'm so sorry" bullshit. I want you to mean it. And the truth. I know the truth has always been a shaky subject when it comes to me, but I am not the person I was in high school. I wish you all would learn that (thought I doubt you will). If you want to write me off, send me away from the family for revealing the secrets, so fucking be it. Just remember, my generation of cousin's are doing things our way. Molly is doing things her way (and I know you pity her). We aren't under your control. I don't want you to pity me. I want you to accept me as the person I am, the strong woman that has made it on her own without you.  And when I actually get my doctorate and become Dr. Amelia, none of it will be because of you. I did it on my own terms, with my own decisions and no help from any of you whatsoever.


As my good friend told me, I am now a Honey Badger. If you don't know what that means, here's the link to the video. I no longer give a fuck. Judge me all you want, I'll be sitting back here smiling. You no longer control me. None of you. I will no longer let the negative thoughts and ideas rule my life. It just isn't worth the energy to be sad. Today, I conquer the darkness you forced me into.


Maybe it's time to step back and see how you treat people.


I'm as free as a bird now. And this bird you cannot change.

Music
1. The Anthem- Good Charlotte
2. Dance Inside- The All-American Rejects
3. Just a Dream- Carrie Underwood
4. Wherever You Will Go- The Calling
5. Numb/Encore- Linkin Park/Jay-Z
6. Over My Head (Cable Car)- The Fray
7. Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)- Dixie Chicks
8. Perfect- Simple Plan
9. Dare You To Move- Switchfoot
10. Love Remains The Same- Gavin Rossdale
11. Your Guardian Angel- The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
12. Up Against The Wall- Boyslikegirls
13. Never Too Late- Three Days Grace
14. One Step Closer- Linkin Park
15. Miss Murder- AFI
16. Wasted- Carrie Underwood
17. You're Crashing But You're No Wave- Fall Out Boy