Sunday, January 8, 2012

In Response

So whew, yesterday I wrote about one of the biggest secrets in my life. I laid it all out there. And well, the wave of emotions I experienced was not expected.

I thought I would get depressed, sad, maybe shed some tears, have some major flashbacks about the whole experience. But I didn't. I felt relieved. I felt like it was something that I had wanted to talk about for such a long time, but very few people knew what I had really gone through. There are some who think highly of me, and these people are also the ones who know my life quite well. These people see me in the light they do, because they have respect for what I have gone through.

Hiding grief is hard, hiding a broken heart is even harder. When my mother passed away, I hid a lot of my pain for a long time. I didn't talk about her loss with many people, hell the day after her funeral, I was at school with a smile on my face. It wasn't because it didn't hurt, and her death didn't effect me for the rest of my life, it's just that I didn't want people to see me as weak.

See, for the longest time, I saw emotions as weakness. I hid them around my mother (as I cried in my room all the time) and well, I didn't want to be seen as a mess after her death. When I moved in with Uncle Dave and Aunt Debbie, I didn't want to be seen as weak either. I put up a front. I didn't let them know how I really was feeling on the inside...a goopy mess of a teenager who was lost in a world that had broken to shambles. That was my life. I didn't know where my father was, my mother was dead, my brother had been moved over 100 miles away and I was in this new home with family members who weren't what I expected. That is what I tried to get through in high school. That is why I was so big into the band. School work and music were the only things I felt like I did right, so I threw myself into that to keep myself busy and keep all the other shit off my mind.

And so after high school, and moving out, and the falling out with friends, I was once again lost. I needed a breath of fresh air. My life was falling apart all over again. And well, Sam changed that. He put my life back together. I am not ashamed of my relationship with him, I never will be. I am not scared of what I had there, it was wonderful. I learned a lot, have amazing memories that still, to this day, make me feel warm and fuzzy on the inside.

But I hid that away, and slowly revealed this to the people I felt I could trust. There is a lot of learning and trusting I still need to work on, being someone so used to pain, it's hard to trust at times. So yesterday, I just decided that it was time for a big step. I had told Zac that I wanted to eventually speak about it to more of my family and friends, and that it would be by blog post. I had talked about it on here vaguely before, even almost not so vaguely last December, but for those who didn't know "who" that post was talking about, well you now know! And it probably makes sense now. 

So when you talk about losing the man you love, I know. OH I know. I know exactly how you feel on that one. I know the feeling of feeling in love, the warmth, the happiness, that beauty, how time flies so fast, how you will do anything for that one person, how they make you feel beautiful every moment of everyday, how you can fall so fast when their gone, how you want to spend every moment of everyday with them, how lonely your heart feels when you are no longer loved, the pain of a heart ripping in half, the depression you are thrown in once they are gone, the memories that cause tears at a moments notice, how just a smell like them can bring back every moment of everyday and haunt you for the rest of your life, how that one song that was your song hurts so bad to listen to, makes you cringe, but at the same time you can't stop listening to it, how memories hurt so bad to remember them and feel them, but you don't want to let them go because you don't want to forget them and those moments in your life.

I know.

So when I revealed that I had been going through cycles of happiness, sadness, pain, anger and all kinds of emotions for over 2 years now over a man that I was in love with, who was sick and who had died while I was my own person, well I felt relieved at first. Then I realized what I did, and freaked. But I freaked too late and I knew that many of you had read it. Then I hyperventilated and thought that I did the wrong thing. I felt like it was the wrong time, everyone was going to be angry I never told them, that they would be disappointed that I had made such brash decisions, that I had let them down in life. But it took a great friend to convince me that the truth was a wonderful thing, that it would have come out eventually, and now that it was out I no longer needed to have it weigh on my mind. People know and if they treat me differently because of it, shame on them. I am still Amelia, and even though I have been through so much more than you can even imagine, I am still me. I am optimistic. I smile. I laugh. I sing. I love. I don't let the pain run my life and ruin it. I don't let it keep me down. I wake up in the morning, smile and take on the matter what. It's what I did then, and it's what I shall keep doing. I still live a life with an outlook that I know that we all have shitty times, we have some days that just don't seem to want to end, they cause pain, they are horrible; but tomorrow is a whole new day. A day full of opportunities and new memories. A day that you can make better. It only rains so long, eventually the sun will come out and it'll be smooth sailing again. I can tell you that thought is so true, because of what I have experienced.

This morning I woke up a new woman. I feel awesome (even though I did go out to the club, drink some drinks, dance my ass I'm a little sore from that) but I am still lighter than I have been in years. That is off my chest, I can move forward with the feeling that a large part of my life, where I was my own person and very few people were actually a part of it, and gave you a look into what made me who I am today. See, in 2008, I was a different person than I was in 2009. And at the end of 2009, the relationship with Sam had changed me so much more than you can even imagine that I was a totally different person by the end of 2009. But today, in 2012, I am an even more different person than I was a year ago, even 6 months ago. I am changing, evolving, learning and being. The fact that I can recognize that in me, and other people is a gift. My experiences have made me want to know more about people, help them, give them someone to lean on, someone to rant at, someone to make them look at their life and go wow...I can do anything. 

So what to expect now that this tidbit of my life is out in the open: expect stories, memories, reminisces of this time in my life. More detail. Me working through it now that I can put it out there and no longer care what you think. See, I don't care anymore. If you think I was foolish, I don't care. If you think I shouldn't have kept it in so long, I don't care. If you think of me any differently than you did before, I don't give a shit. Yup, I went there. See, if you don't believe a word, well you aren't the people who care for me in any way, and you are the people I am getting out of my life...even if you are family. I no longer want people who effect me negatively in my life. I believe I only deserve love, understanding and those who want the best for me in life. I no longer want negativity as I'm moving on and evolving into the human being I want to spend the rest of my life as. People who leach your happiness are not worth having around, and I am no longer going to put up with it.

I am happy with what I did, I am happy with the relationship I shared. I am happy being me. That is all that matters. If you want to continue being a part of my life, don't let things I reveal change your attitude towards me, and don't treat me differently. I have fought hefty battles and I deserve the happy state I am in right now. Don't ruin this for me.

Okay /rant for now. I just wanted to let you know that I don't rescind anything I said yesterday and I don't have regrets. We all have secrets, I still have plenty. But that was a secret I decided to let out this year, and now that it's out so early this year, I don't have to deal with it nagging me anymore. It's out there in the open, where it shall remain. 

And today, I am willing to talk about it. If you want to know more. If you want to talk to me, share some of your own experiences, really get to know who I am and what really makes me tick, I welcome the conversation. If you want to stay in the dark, or ignore everything whatsoever, good for you. It will always be there, I can't change my past or my experiences, but I can make it my past and not let it effect my future no longer.

Love you all, I truly do. 

1. I Run to You- Lady Antebellum
2. Love Drunk- Boyslikegirls
3. For The First Time- The Script
4. The One That Got Away- Katy Perry
5. The Crow and the Butterfly- Shinedown
6. Aerials- System of the Down
7. Crawling Back to You- Daughtry
8. Without You- David Guetta (w/ Usher)
9. If It's Love- Train
10. Set Fire to the Rain- Adele

1 comment:

  1. Anytime you would like to talk about this or ANYTHING else. Just call me! You are Amelia to me whatever you have done doesn't change the way I think about you! I love you and always will aunt linney