Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Plans for the New Year

So I guess I can't say that I don't have plans for things I would like to do this new year. I'm not big on making resolutions because everyone is like "I'm going to lose weight," "I'm going to quit smoking," "I'm going to ace my classes." But then, after they don't achieve it, they feel like a failure.

No, I set myself with some changes that I will slowly make happen BUT  if they don't, I won't be depressed about the whole situation. So this year, 2012, here are some things I would like to make happen:

  • I would like to brush my teeth more. Yes, I don't do it quite as often as I should. I have a beautiful smile, I had jaw surgery AND braces for way too long in high school to not take care of my chompers. Its going well so far :)
  • I would like to let the happiness happen. See, 2009 was a horrible year. Many of my family do NOT know what really happened in 2009, I was my own person. But I think one day I would like to share what happened, truly. 2010 was a better year, I learned a lot about myself. 2011 was even better and I finally figured out what I wanted to do with life. Well, in 2012, I just want to let myself be in the place I am but to grow at the same time. I started this year happier than I have been in a long, long time. I would like to keep it that way for as long as possible.
  • I would like to do better in classes. Shocker, I know, but I am not an honor's student in college. Not even close. I'm sure that even if I 4.0 my last 3 semesters, I won't make it to honor's. But you know what, I let that go. For I know that no matter what, I'll be proud (as will the rest of my family) that I graduated college. I will have a degree. Not many people know this, but when I was little, I promised my mother that I would graduate college. I would become a college graduate and do my best to be successful. I plan on finishing that. In my mind, I know my mother is proud of me, but I believe that she won't be truly proud unless I finish that last promise I got to make her when she was on this Earth. It's in my grasp now, I can see the end. And I can see plans for the future. I have applied for graduate studies at University of Michigan-Dearborn, Wayne State and The University of Chicago. These three schools have the program I want to study.
  • I want to sit down and actually have a conversation with Uncle Dave and well, talk all this stuff out. I want to forgive him, though I also need to apologize. It's time to let the past be well...the past. There is nothing I can do to change the circumstances of my mother's death or my father's death. Nothing. I can't go back and change it all. So it's time to let it go. In my heart I have forgiven him and everyday the anger lessens. It's time to patch up a relationship that has seen some major frays. It's time. I would like to make it healthy once again as I have restored ties with other family members that well, were seemingly nonexistent for awhile. Even if this conversation happens over the phone, it'll be nice to know that it is no longer on my heart. It's time to let go of the past and live in the now.
  • That's another thing. Yes, over the years I have changed to the point where I try new things, I am not afraid as I once was. I would like to expand that even more. I would like to try new things this year, go new places. Explore "me" more. Learn. Love. Be. I know it's going to be hard, but I want to expand my horizons more. Meet new people. Spread my zeal for life.
  • I would like to really learn to understand how inspiring everyone tells me I am. See, I see myself as Amelia. Just Amelia. So when someone says I'm their hero, well it makes me blush a little bit. To know that somehow I made a difference in their life has been a big learning experience for me. I love learning about people, so I want to meet more people and learn about them. What makes them tick, what they have experienced. I think that a lot of people don't see themselves as strong, it took me a long time to really realize it. I believe that everyone is strong in their own way, everyone has problems, big AND small, and though some problems may be much smaller than other peoples, they are still problems. They still need to be solved. You need to get by them. That is what makes you strong. Everyone is strong, you just have to find what makes you strong.
  • I just want to learn to love again. I haven't been in a relationship since 2009, and that one scarred me a little more than most know. Other than that, everything else hasn't worked out. But for once, I am learning to be myself with someone else. It's getting a little easier, but I have been by myself for so long, I'm just not used to letting myself lean on someone else, even a tad. Sorry Kevin, I'll get there eventually. I just want to let myself go, not think twice about this whole thing and let it be. I am happier than ever and I am thankful for that. I need some true happiness in my life. I believe I deserve that!
So there it is, my hopes for 2012. Most of these things are not something that has an end, it's just more of being and my outlook on how I live my life. I want to truly explore my optimism and test myself in new ways. I want to be. This is my year to sit back and smell the roses but also to live and take life by the horns. It's going to be an interesting one.

1. Mercenary- Panic! At the Disco
2. Louder Than Ever- Daughtry
3. February Song- Josh Groban
4. Set Fire to the Rain- Adele
5. The Dog Days Are Over- Florence and the Machine
6. Rolling in the Deep- Adele
7. Hurricane Drunk- Florence and the Machine
8. Heartbeat- The Fray
9. Jesus of Suburbia- American Idiot the Musical Cast
10. Set Fire to the Third Bar- Snow Patrol

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