Saturday, January 7, 2012

The View From Up Here

You know, they say you live and learn. And throughout life, people come and go like no other but each of them has some kind of effect on your life, sometimes very small but at times can change it forever. This is one of those sappy love posts where I shall reveal a portion of my life that very few have ever learned about me. This is where I finally confront and talk about 2009 and the changes that happened in my life. Though some things will always be inside of me, in my memories, I will talk about the craziest thing that can happen in the life of a girl.

I am going to talk about love.

See, in 2009, I moved out of Uncle Dave's house. I was done with their shit at this time in my life. I was frustrated and I needed some space to be me. To many, they thought moving into Uncle Dave's household would be easy for me. They thought that now I was in a "stable" home, with enough money to sustain us, that I would be able to heal. But it wasn't easy. Everything was different. Things happened that were well, not okay under any circumstances. And I resisted change the whole time I was there. 

So in the beginning of 2009, after I had turned 18, I moved out of their house as soon as I could. I wanted to spread my wings. They didn't allow me to go off to college and live in a dorm at the time, though I had wanted to. Until I was 18 years old, I was stuck in their household, with their rules.

I feel as if they didn't have any respect to let me mess up at the time. I feel as if I have gained some respect over the years, though it hasn't been said directly.

Anyway...I moved into an apartment with a roommate. But not more than 2 months later, I had a huge fallout with many of my friends and my roommate moved out. We haven't spoken much since that moment. But I was alone, I didn't like calling Uncle Dave, I was struggling, I was depressed and I didn't think I had the willpower to get through a lot of things that were going on in my life. Everything was coming at me at once, and I felt like I had to take it all in alone.

Then Sam came into my life. Who's Sam you may ask? Well, I'm going to tell you. I hid Sam away from pretty much everyone. I was afraid of the judgments I would get because of my past and things I had said. Sam and I knew each other from our childhood, but hadn't talked in years. Then one dark morning when I was about to give up just about everything, there he was.

And we had an instant connection. We went out to coffee, which turned into dinner. We fell in love at that moment. Sam made me feel wanted, loved, needed and beautiful. All feelings that I hadn't felt in a long time. And so began the summer of my life. Summer 2009. I will always look back at that summer with fond memories. 

But I guess why I was afraid (and still am) of the judgments set forth by my family and friends is because Sam wasn't a normal individual. Sam was sick, very sick. This made an urgency to the whole situation. I was once again taking care of someone I loved with a serious illness. I was 18 years old. But I was in love with this man. 

And everything was rushed, but when you're in love, you forget these things. On June 25th of that year, we were engaged. Yup, you never knew that did you? I was engaged to be married that year. I still have the ring upstairs, just sitting in a box with my mother's rings. I did things with Sam I had never experienced before in my life, but I hid them away. I have no pictures of this time because I didn't take any. If you look on my Facebook, there is a dearth of pictures starting in Spring 2009 and ending where this story will also end. I was too wrapped up in just about everything that was happening, the highs, the feelings, the love, that I forgot the world. Truly. 

But that world ended on August 22nd of that year. That morning Sam was rushed to the hospital and by several hours later, his family and I received the news that he had passed away. He was gone. I remember the feeling of the world dropping out from under me but I spent days just sitting there, numb of all feeling. And I sat there, amid all the memories those walls held, all the love I had felt, all the laughs and smiles, the mess in the kitchen we had made together that one morning, those nights on the futon playing wii or just watching TV, the life I had hidden away from everyone. And I mean EVERY ONE. I never said a word about it on Facebook, I remained "single" throughout the whole thing, I didn't talk to many people, I let them think I was still in my deep hole of depression.

But I wasn't. Sam saved me. He stopped me from deciding to give up on my life. He made me feel beautiful when the people in my life kept telling me that I was fat, ugly and stupid. 

So when he passed, I almost expected it, but at the same time I was reeling. I went back to school that fall just to escape the sadness and pain that I was experiencing. I kept myself busy. And I went through the task of canceling all our plans, both literally and mentally. I had let myself go and let myself fall in love like I had never done before in my life. I was heartbroken. I was alone. And there are scars on my heart that are still stinging, are still causing me pain to this day.

It took me a long time to believe that I would ever fall in love again. To believe that I could even be desirable to someone. I felt like I had lost my "one" and that I was going to remain lonely for the rest of my life here on Earth. I hated being alone, but I wasn't mentally ready to be in love again for a long time after that death. I had fallen in love with a sick (as in illness) man and I got what was coming in my life. I felt like no one would understand what I was going through. I haven't revealed this relationship to many, because I feel like everyone will tell me I was stupid. That I shouldn't have let myself do that. But sometimes, you just can't control who your heart falls in love with.

Yes, I was young. I was stupid. I let myself get so wrapped up in the situation and I learned a hell of a lot from it. But for all the pain that I have had to deal with...the broken heart, the troubles...I got so much more out of it. Because of Sam, I have my outlook on life. I am an optimist, I lost a lot of my fear. For heaven's sake, I jumped out of an airplane with him that summer. The quote on my foot tattoo, is one he told me that morning. I live by that quote. There is no use being afraid of life, it's so much more fun to take it by the horns and let it happen. Yes, there will be pain, there will be lessons, there will be troubles...but that comes in life. Because of all the shit that I have seen in my 21 years, I also know what happiness is. Sometimes you have to experience darkness to especially experience the light.

And that is where I am at in my life. Eventually I moved on up from the darkest year of my life. I moved out of Charter Oaks and into Riverfront. I let go of people who have been negative in my life. I left a job that gave me nothing but frustration while teaching me all it could. I chose a major where my heart really lies.

And I fell in love again. You may think its too early to say its love, because Kevin and I have been official for less than a month, but in essence he has been there for a very long time and I love him lots. See the funny thing is, Sam left my life on August 22. I met Kevin less than a month later in my Nursing class. We have been best friends for almost 2 years. Kevin knew about Sam, Kevin knew I was healing, Kevin knew that I had to become okay with myself before I would be okay with someone else. Kevin has understood me better than many other people who claim to know me. And that's what made our relationship so inevitable. He has been calming me down, listening to me, hugging me, reassuring me for 2 years now. That is the biggest gift I could ever be given. 

When I say the view from up here, I mean the view from one of the highest points in my life. Karma has dragged me around quite a bit and has made me work for what I've gotten. I've been slowly working my way back up. I've learned things about me, I've inspired some people along the way and I have come out on top for awhile. I am living in a place where I am happy and free, I am going to school for what I want to do, I am in love with someone I want to be with, I have friends in my life that care for me and want the best for me. I am happy and I have an overall feeling of well-being. I feel as if 2012 may be my year. I feel more hope than I have had in a long, long time. 

The other day I was talking with my friend Zac and he said something that struck me. "Pain is a good teacher, a great teacher. But not all lessons have to be taught through pain. But the pain never goes away. You just find happy, good things to surround the pain and make it less painful. It doesn't mean that it isn't there, you can still experience in the same strength as the moment that it happened if you ever need to. But, the happy things make it so that the pain no longer runs your life." I have now filled my heart with many happy things that are overshadowing the pain.

Today I have shared with you another great pain in my life. Another time that I am still healing from. Another time that made me into the person I am today. I have shared with you one of the greatest secrets in my life. Publicly. I have laid it out there for you to read, and it to be read by many. I know that this may all see crazy, but every single moment of this was real to me. Sometimes you don't know what you're getting yourself into, you are just so caught up in the moment. That was this moment, these feelings. This is something I am still feeling. Something I am still getting past.

But I am healing. I am moving on. I am continuing. I am living. I am loving. This is my life. My life as an optimist.

1. Lullabye- Daughtry
2. The Scientist- Coldplay
3. Satellite- Rise Against
4. There's a Reason These Tables Are Numbered Honey, You Just Haven't Realized It Yet- Panic! at the Disco
5. Gone Too Long- After Midnight Project
6. Heartbeat- The Fray
7. Here Without You- Three Doors Down
8. The One That Got Away- Katy Perry

1 comment:

  1. We all have things we keep inside, and never share... thank you for sharing with me! Don't forget that I am here if you need to talk, or escape for a day! Love is a wonderful feeling!