Thursday, January 12, 2012


Being thankful is not just something that should come around Thanksgiving, it is something that one should practice on a daily basis. For some, it's harder for them to find what they are thankful for, even if some of the things are staring them in the face.

But, I am not one of those people. I am more thankful than many for the wonderful things in my life. See, sometimes it takes some struggle to see all the amazing things in your life. Yes, my life has not been easy. I have lost many people that were a big part of my life and I am still grieving to this day, maybe not in a way that I used to but their loss still lies heavily on my mind. I have had to fought for everything I currently have in my life, including my own life at times. It has been a struggle that I would do all over again if I had the chance.

See those troubles made me the person I am right now. It brought the light, the happiness, the optimism into my life. When I lost my mother, I had to learn how to deal with change, how to make it through life. When I lost Sam, I learned that I could be loved, that everyday is precious, that every moment is a gift, and that every happy moment does at one point end. So, today I am thankful, like I am everyday. I am sharing this with you, so that maybe you can see what you have and be thankful for it as well.

I am thankful for the love of my life. When I lost Sam, I didn't think I would ever find someone who would love me for me. I have a horrible self-esteem. It's much better than it was in high school, but it's still pretty low. I didn't think I was desirable, I didn't think anyone else would want to love me and I thought my lot in life was to be alone. I'm not kidding you, I thought that. But Kevin was just always there. For those who don't already know, Kevin and I met about a month after Sam passed away. We had a class together and were assigned a project where the teacher assigned the groups, being right after me on the roster, Kevin was put into my group. Kevin and I just gained a friendship that I don't even know how it happened. It just did. Throughout the past 2 years, Kevin has been there, he knows my whole life, he has helped me the best he could and he kept me going on days where I just didn't want to at all. It was only a matter of time that we would get together, and taking the next step hasn't just been amazing, but has changed my whole world. Once again I feel loved. Once again I feel as if maybe, just maybe, I'm desirable. Kevin keeps me level headed, but also up in the clouds. He calms me on days where I am anxious and angry. He peps me up on days where I am feeling under the weather. He keeps me going. He makes me feel safe. But at the same time, he makes me feel as if I can do anything. He's a keeper I say. Sometimes I feel as if fate is such a devious person, which is why Kevin came into my life when he did, when I was hurting so so bad, and became my friend, lifted me up and finally became my boyfriend. We always ask why it took 2 years, and we always come to the conclusion that neither of us were ready for it to be more than a friendship, no matter what kind of signals we were giving or not. But in December, we were finally ready, and I haven't been happier.

I am thankful for my friends. Sometimes you find people in your life who aren't healthy for you. Over the past year, I have been slowly weeding out the people in my life who try to take my happiness and make it worthless. The ones who make it seem as if I am doing the wrong thing with my life. I have slowly taken them out of my life. I now have a wonderful army of people in my life, new and old, that I call my friends. These people want the best for me, they listen to my rants, they go out and dance their asses off with me, they make me smile, they make me laugh and they are just some of the best people in my life. These people are my friends because they want to be, and I want them to be here. They make as much effort as I do in our relationship. The "leaches" are gone for the most part. They are not going to ruin what I have anymore, it's not worth it.

I am thankful for my family. They may not be perfect, they may have made some choices that just aren't okay, but they are still and will always be my family. I may not be as close to them as most people are with their family, but somewhere deep down, I feel as if I have somehow made them proud and that they love me. We may not show it, it may be hidden, but they will always be there. I am thankful for that.

I am thankful for my life. I am thankful for waking up in the morning and to be given another day. We all have bad days, me included, but it's how you fill the moments that predict how the day will go. I have days where I feel sick, down, angry, sad, etc. but I take the moments where I talk to someone I love or I do well on something, and remember that life is not all just sadness, there are lots of amazing things if you find them. Each moment is a gift. Cherish them. Find the people who make you happy all the time. Take out the bad things in your life. Act on your problems, don't just let them sit there. Live. You only have one life, and I know that if and when I get to be old, I can look back at this life and say, "wow, what a ride!" Life is not always easy, but it doesn't mean it can't be good. For all the horrible things in my life, there has been plenty of amazing things as well. Don't dwell on the pain, live in the happiness.

I am thankful for my job. See, it's nothing big, but it's a job. I have income every 2 weeks. It is easy. AND it's allowing me to type this up right now because of my ability to be on a computer while at work. It may only be 20 hours a week, pay near minimum wage and such, but I'm doing a lot better than some. I know at the end of the 2 weeks, I'll have some kind of check in my hand that I can use in whatever I may need. I also have amazing coworkers. People who make me laugh, make me smile and who are just plain awesome. I couldn't ask for better people to work with.

I am thankful for living where I live. Charter Oaks was a horrible place for me. I hated it there. It was my transitional home. It was the place between Uncle Dave's and now. I experienced a lot of pain in that apartment. I dealt with a lot of depression in that apartment. It was that apartment where I felt alone, because I felt that if I died there, no one would make sure I was okay because of how much out of people's life I was at the time. I went days without talking to anyone. I laid in my bed in the dark, wishing for things to end. Charter Oaks was a dark home for me. So when I moved to Riverfront, my life changed dramatically. I have amazing roommates that are there, are willing to help and keep me from being brash and crazy all the time. They make me laugh and smile. They let me rant about life. I know that if something were to happen to me, well they would be there to make sure things were okay. And I know people where I live. Working at the front desk has perks as well, because I get to meet people from all over the building. After Sarah and Boesler moved out of Charter Oaks, I knew NO ONE there. Well, I knew Ashley and Zac, but not that well at the time. I have a sense of community in Riverfront, one that makes me happy to be here. And the apartment is beautiful. The perfect place for me to live. I feel so free here because I just pay all the bills at the beginning of the month (but really I pay for the whole semester at once which makes the experience even more freeing.) Yes, this summer I'm going to be scraping to get by on a month to month basis by moving to a new room for the time being, but I am going to be happily living here. If I have to talk to Uncle Dave for help for a month of two, I shall. I'll make ends meet somehow. I don't even know where else I would live for those 4 months from May to September. I'll end up doing what I do.

I am thankful for all the things I have in my life. I am doing okay. I have lots of "things" that other people don't have. I live a comfortable life no matter what. I have the ability to be happy. I can make ends meet but at the same time, have nice things. It's really a nice feeling. Sometimes they say that "things" aren't all that, but I know that I have earned everything I have. And that is a wonderful thing.

I am thankful for being able to go to school. Education is important to me, and knowing that I am getting close to being a college graduate is just such a big them for me. It's one of those goals that I have worked so hard, fought for and can see it in my grasp. I can't wait to hold that diploma in my hands and rejoice! I'm sure it's going to be an amazing day.

I am thankful for my strength. It has gotten me through so much. So much more than you can even imagine.

I am thankful for the people who I have lost in my life. Each and every one of them have taught me amazing lessons that I couldn't get elsewhere. It hurts to think about their losses, but I will always have fond memories. That will never change.

1. Heavy in Your Arms- Florence and the Machine
2. Survivor Guilt- Rise Against
3. Lost!- Coldplay
4. Someone Like You- Adele
5. Over My Head (Cable Car)- The Fray
6. Losing My Mind- Daughtry
7. Re-Education (Through Labor)- Rise Against
8. Blackout- Breathe Carolina
9. I Gave You All- Mumford & Sons
10. Endgame- Rise Against
11. Who You'd Be Today- Kenny Chesney
12. Good Feeling- Flo Rida
13. The One That Got Away- Katy Perry
14. Dare You To Move- Switchfoot

No comments:

Post a Comment