The White Board of DOOM...I mean Awesomeness

So, I was given a wonderful idea from a family friend the other night. See, we have this white board that has been in my apartment for the past 2 years, and every month we start anew. On this white board, we put on things that are said and done in our apartment over the course of the month, and it is signed by the people who joined us in our apartment that month.


It had humble beginnings. When I bought the board, I had planned for it to be a place to leave notes for each other (my roommates Mindu and Tanisha) and to put up what we needed to buy at the store if one of us was making a trip. But rather quickly, it evolved into something that we put our memories on and at the end of the month (and then many months later) it could be looked at and we could remember the memories. So this morning, I am going to take a trip down memory lane and share with you the boards up to now and some of my favorite memories...and then I have decided that every month, I shall share the board and the memories that come with it, so that down the road, I can look back and see the amazing times I had in college and this apartment that changed my life.


 2010

September

Humble beginnings are humble. It all started with this board. Notice there is still a shopping list with sugar (because you always need sugar...I swear!)

But this also has notes from Abijah and Natasha when they stopped over, a countdown to when we would see Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 1 in November and a quote from an article I had to read for microbiology that made me laugh...a ton!

The "Meditation" part is from our roommate agreement that we made that year at about 3 am one morning. We all decided that if we were to get into a fight, we would climb on top of our closet thingys and meditate away the bad feelings. Oh...and this was also the start of the writing of Stephon's birthday in different ways.

 October

October is of course my favorite month. Why? Oh wait...it's my birthday! Notice that the shopping list is on there, but a banana costume has been added. There is also a quote from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (but that would be cannibalism and that is frowned up in most societies.) We decided that Harry Potter is better than Tron after the rash of Tron commercials that we saw on television (I mean it was good...but Harry Potter was better.)

Another micro reference when talking about the bubonic plague in class ("I'm bringing the bubonic plague back. YEAH! The other sicknesses don't know how to act.")

And we had a fight over the sex of the pumpkins which is why by the end of the month, there was a whole pumpkin family on the board.

Also notice, Stephon's birthday is written very small-ly on the lower right corner. ;)

November 

Notice that the shopping list is still there, but it only says food. Yeah, like I said, it regressed. We had some interesting things this month, a countdown until my 21st birthday was added, the countdown to HPDH1 was ended (since we saw it this month). Tanisha's hand was used for Tom the Turkey (and Stephon's birthday was written around his feathers. The "don't pee" part was first for me because we were testing out pee in micro lab and then for Mindu as she had to go get a pee test. Then I got this crazy cold and couldn't laugh because it felt like my lungs were coming out my mouth.

The "Alcohol panties" came from a trip over the see Molly. We had gone to Victoria's Secret and I had bought some underwear, and then took a bottle of Mike's Hard Lemonade home...that was in the end open and leaked all over my new underwear.

And we had to apologize to the board because we hadn't been writing much on it (compared to this year, we really didn't write much!)

December

December came and notice the shopping list is still hanging in there, I can't quite remember what month that left. We got rid of the countdown to my 21st birthday...I decided it was too far away. We added a countdown to HPDH2, Christmas and 2011. Luna visited and we put huge arrows to where we sit/live (our rooms) and what we did.

This was the month of the "unconscious button" because this was about the time that Tanisha would start our 1 am talks standing at our doors...where we didn't get to bed til 4 am because we always had awesome but ridiculous conversation. The unconscious button was our way of saying we were going to bed.

We named our poor special Christmas tree Latanya Humphrey and we said we would kill each other's toes as a threat.

And Stephon's birthday is still written on there!

2011

January

Shopping list is still chilling. The Leo stare (from the famous Leonardo DiCaprio Meme's from Inception that are floating around the interwebz) began. "Do girls poop from their vagina" was a line from Meet The Fockers that Tanisha, Abijah and I went to see this month. The "You're motoring, what's your price for flight.." part is from the song "Sister Christian" that makes us laugh when we play Rockband 3 (which I had gotten for Christmas)

"I don't have a printer at home...Fuck you" is from a class I had and this woman made such a huge deal about not having a printer at home and my professor almost freaked out on her because she wouldn't drop it. Funniest, yet most annoying thing in class ever.

"WAT!" is my new way of saying what, because inside I really am a big black woman. We also created the IPod Mega which was a p.o.s. ipod with a key board, no internet, footbook and coldmail.

Oh and Sasha. Sasha needs an introduction. Mindu was looking through her things one night and found this naked barbie doll with the anatomical terms written on her parts. So we said Sasha was a whore, and we dressed her accordingly. We told her to make us a sandwich.

I think this was the last month of Stephon's birthday...since it was his birth month.

February

Shopping is still there. Tanisha added a countdown to her 21st birthday. We had 3 snowdays in a row so "ping pong" time was something we did when we were trapped in the building for those 3 days because of the 16 inches of snow we got during the Snowpocalypse. Mindu was starving, Tanisha was attempting to look for money.

Mindu also got really sick at this time and Tanisha and I became her parents (I would make her a lot of soup) so we wrote on the board her excuse for not going to work. ("Mindu's parents (Tanisha & Amelia) will not allow Mindu to work today due to her illness.")

"Bleezard...BLIZARD" comes from a recording Tanisha and I made of ourselves playing the original Oregon Trail where we hit blizzards, tried to kill certain people off and called squirells "little shits."

I also had an experience with the llama at camp this month and a freak out over pulled pork (where I sang Sister Christian while adding pulled pork in there.)

March

Shopping is gone (sad...) Katrina's mom came to visit me, fat Tuesday happened (paczki power) and Natasha had a little too much fun one night and left us all a personal note.

Sasha was causing issues when she lived on her "boat" that was on the back of our couch and fell on me in her sleep. 

April

You know what they say about April showers...Tanisha turned 21 (yay!) and this was our last month in 1104, the apartment that we moved into for the first year at Riverfront. We decided that Tanisha needed chocolate cake even though she didn't like chocolate cake (but she liked brownies). I wrote, "I can ride my bike w/no handlebars...NOT" after I bought the song on Rockband (and I can't literally ride a bike, true story)

I had some Naked Juice, and they made fun of me all month long about it. We told Tanisha to use the litter box after both bathrooms (for once) were full and she needed to go.

And the cheeseburger without cheese, yeah another ridiculous person that needs to be smacked.

September

After being away for 4 months, the board was BACK and in a new apartment (512). Mindu got some roses, and got a little tipsy and threw the rose at my head (trust me, it wasn't pleasant). I wrote about how I can't understand life at 5 am because that's when I started working these early morning shifts. I picked lots of things up with my toes ("toe skeelz").

Molly took a whole corner (not like we cared) and we decided that 17 inches was badddddd....I made a countdown for when Luna was supposed to come over because we missed her and we had some fun fun nights!

October...part 1

So we had 2 different boards for October, this was the first one that we had. Tanisha hurt Mindu, then denied it, so Mindu called her a liar. My birthday happened so there were lots of people in their not so sober stupors writing on the board (poooorrrr Kevin...).

"Where 'dem girls at" was from when we heard that David Guetta had died, then found out about 20 minutes later he wasn't dead...but I said that and we about died. (Say that around Abijah sometime and she'll tell you that you're going to Hell.)

And we had an issue figuring out when a shift was at 2-5am, and an argument ensued (a not serious argument of course, I don't think we ever got into a real fight!)

 October Part 2

Kevin thought he was marrying Abijah (yeah no...); Dejuan came to chill and Stephon was angry we erased his name from earlier in the month. Luna still wasn't coming over, Marita came and told us to go to a haunted house.

We thought the orange marker was yellow (it tried really hard) and I can't really remember the how ya like me NOW...so I wrote "wat is this?" and someone used a smart-ass answer and said it's English.

And we ordered pizza in an Italian accent and talked about eating bacon and pepperonis and sausage.

November

Luna never came over (we forgave her and didn't kick her ass), we wrote November in 2 languages (french also) and Tanisha said we were learning. We had an argument over the pronunciation of my name. I was really craving turkey (see the mmm...)

I became an asparagus (which I was okay with) but not okay with the wrong pronunciation of my name. I went to Chicago with Molly and had adventures driving on the Loop and seeing random things around the city for Mindu's bridal shower. 

"I know you don't like nuts.." the things that fall out of our mouths and make us giggle. I think we were talking about eating peanuts and I didn't want any but Mindu offered anyway and said that.

December

We had a Christmas party this month so there's lots of signings and hilarious things. Abijah thought she lost her zippo, tore apart our apartment and then found it in her pocket("The zippos was in my sweatpants"). Mindu left for India for a month ("I love my roomies...I will miss you guys so much"). Finals week happened and I feel like Tanisha and I both had the plague ("Why do we always get sick when finals week comes up?")

Mindu drew a red tree and I just commented on how it was red and she got all testy about it (Like always) ("first red Christmas tree I've ever seen :) Not saying I don't like it." "Don't be jealous of my tree") I decided to never hurt Luna ("I think I'll never kick Luna's butt since me being sick was the reason why she didn't come over this weekend.") But she ended up coming over anyway at the Christmas party. 

Kevin said he was going to marry Abijah again (oh running jokes) and then the next day we started going out so I wrote "Not is I have any say in the matter." Kevin also gave us the wonderful pearl: "Coke just tastes weird now without rum in it."

2012

January

Mindu came home from India, but then she saw the "shhhh...it's a trap" and became worried. We had a party and we had a movie in and we were talking about hugs and the screams from her exorcism made us laugh ("hugs...she gets off on em...") We decided that hanging out was cool...as long as pants were involved (at least in Tanisha's room).  I came home from Molly's and went to bed, and woke up to an open bottle of vodka in my bed ("that awkward moment when you find an open bottle of vodka in your bed.") but I wasn't drinking it...I just forgot to put it away after I took it out of my bag on my bed.

There were several youtube videos mentioned that were hilarious, Manbungo-African Warrior and Grandma Rack City. From the same party mentioned earlier, we went on a late night trip to Taco Bell where I thought there was a cat in Abijah's car, we talked about Nick's private parts and we had to deal with a not so sober Kevin; "You hit me in the nipple;" "I'm just fuckin' with ya but seriously I'm gonna punch you in the dick.-Nick Dean"

Then there was the whole PIPA/SOPA, there was a blackout March and Tanisha and I freaked out because it meant not buying, downloading, going to see, etc. any books, movies, video games for the whole month of March. Well, there was SSX3, The Hunger Games, Sims 3 Showtime, etc. Well, I think Tanisha and I had a heartattack and asked if we preordered them now and paid for them now, if we could still have them ("what if we pay for them now")

February

I wrote the month in German, both because I love "learning" and it is also Kevin's heritage (and well, since it was Valentine's month, it was kinda on my mind.) Mindu drew the three of us and we decorated each other because we were awesome roomies. I went (with my friends of course) to many bars/clubs over the period of this month, and my drinking adventures gave me some awesome lines that were added. Like "I need you like a blind person needs a seeing eye dog." I said that to Molly at Necto on 2/4 when I realized that I had drunk a lot of alcohol and I would need her to help me up and down all the stairs to get out of the club. And the "I taste...NOTHING!" was said after a night at Jester's where Tanisha and I drank a ton, and we realized the last pitcher of cranberry vodka was made with Grey Goose and it was so smooth that it got us into too much trouble. Another adventure in drinking left us super (drunk) hungry at Mega where I ordered an omelete AND a salad...I ended up taking the whole omelete home, but it did leave me with lunch the next morning. ("Buying a Greek salad AND an omelete at the same time was the best decision of my life.")

I wrote out the song I sang for my fish when I had to flush them back in December (back story: I had gotten 26 fish as a white elephant gift from work and they had a disease...so in the end, I lost 22 of the 26. I still have 4 that are getting huge.) It goes like this: "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound. That saved a fish like you. You once were alive, but now you're dead. Float on little minnow, float on." Yup, I sang that for my fish as I flushed them into the Flint sewer system.

Mindu had a countdown to the day that she was going to move out forever, Tanisha turned it into 500 more days than it was. On her last night in Flint, Mindu went to the wine bar down the street with friends and came home really intoxicated ("my Indian rommate is highly intoxicated") and held onto Tanisha's door for dear life ("I'm gonna get back on the door"). This led to me writing a letter: "Mindu should not be allowed to have many glasses of wine signed: her mother" and ended with us making a plan to get her to bed ("pajama den a pee de a go to bed --> couch") On February 25th, Mindu moved out forever and left me with many emotions ("I just have so many emotions")

Yup, we have had some crazy awesome times together that I'll never forget. And I know many more will come in the future! If you read this, well thanks for joining me on memory lane!

Oh Wait...I Do Have Feelings.

I do not allow myself to get angry.


This is one thing I know for a fact. Another thing I know: grief is such an all encompassing journey that lasts a lot longer than what is socially accepted. 


This is another one of those posts where I am going to feel, a post that will be filled with words that swirl around in my head all the time, and well, I just don't get them out enough. And because I don't get them out. I end up like I did last night, a boiling pot of anger in the puddle on the floor freaking out about emotions that I don't normally allow myself to feel. And if you don't want to feel those emotions with me, if you don't want to know what is going on in my head, then I advise that you click away from this page right now.


You have been warned.


Anger is such a negative emotion. We all know Amelia, the happy-go-lucky girl who just lets shit fall right off her back. Yup, you think you know me so well. But you don't. I am 21 years old. I don't know what the hell I am doing. I am making decisions that I shouldn't have to make alone. But I make them alone because of the huge trump card I have chilling in my back pocket...my parents are dead.


Yes, I know, I bring this up a lot, and there will be a lot about that in the post. Why? Because no matter what happens in my life, I will still have no parents. I am going to allow myself to get whiny about my life for awhile, because I deserve to. I don't whine about it often, and for once, I have the absolute right to.


Life is not fair. This is true. See, when I graduate next year, I'll be surrounded by aunts that love me and friends who are amazing and stick by me, but that one thing will be missing. When I'm standing outside that arena with my college diploma in my hand, I won't be able to get that picture with my mother beaming proudly as someone clicks the camera shutter. And the day that I finally get married, I won't have my father to walk me down the aisle, as my mother beams proudly from the front of the pews. I have thoughts of who, right now, I would want to walk me down the aisle. Though this person doesn't know it yet, I'm sure he'd be honored if and when that moment comes up. Then the day that I have my first child, I won't have that little baby's grandparents there to have those pictures with.


And as I told Zac last night, it makes me unbearably sad. To the point that I lost it last night and cried for several hours. It makes me unbearably sad about how unfair it all is. The thing is, he can't even understand the amount of pain I go through as these thoughts go through my mind. Very few can. I don't know many people my age who have lost both of their parents so young and then didn't have the support from their family they needed.


Yes, I am blatantly saying it. Though my family is there from afar, pretty much all of this I had to do by myself. Yes, I lived with my Aunt and Uncle after my mother's death, but in truth, they were just a house to keep me in until I turned 18. I learned from them to be the people pleaser that I am, and to hide my feelings because they would have eaten me alive. Yes, I know they tried really hard and, given the situation, it had to have been hard for them too, but at the same time, they didn't treat it with the delicacy that they should have. Knowing what I now know about grief, I know that for a time, I didn't let myself grieve over my mother. For a long time actually. Why? Because I didn't want to be seen as weak in front my my Aunt and Uncle. One of my biggest fears is to be seen as weak, and for me, just even approaching this subject is hard because I still feel that bearing my emotions out there is seen as a "weakness" and I apologize for it...when I know I don't have to. 


But I don't have that person I go forward to about it all. Yes, I have friends that I sometimes talk about these things, but they can't understand. No matter how good or bad their relationship with their parents are, they still have parents to hug on holidays and talk to about large decisions in their lives. When I finished texting Zac, I knew he could sympathize all he wanted, but he couldn't understand the crushing pain that I was going through. Why? Because if he wanted, he could walk down the hall and see his parents sleeping soundly in their bedroom...alive. I could lay this all on anyone, but for most of the people I am surrounded with my age, they can go home and have a parent there to be thankful for at the end of the day. Kevin, though we could discuss this at times, just can't understand the real levity of the situation. 


I have a lot of anger about how unfair it all is. As my Aunt Rosalie once said, it isn't fair that some of us lose their parents at 14 while the rest of them can have them well into their 60's. And though there are people reading this blog who have lost a parent, or even both of them, most of you lost them at a much older age and were in a different part of life to wrap your head around the insurmountable amount of grief that it plunges you into. 


I'm not going to say that it's different, but at the same time it is. Everyone grieves differently, and every death is grieved in a different way. I have lost many people in my life, and I know for a fact that I grieved differently for each one. My mother: I waited a long time to start bearing those emotions and it still hurts. Every. Single. Day. My father: It all came as a large wave over a short period of time, and every now and again it hits me for a bit about how he wasn't a part of my life (which is sad in itself) and that he died in the way he did. See, I have been told by certain members of my family that I shouldn't have these feelings towards the death of my father. That I should just get over it, he wasn't worth any of it. But, I will defend my father til my death. Yes, my father made bad decisions, and one large decision that changed our life forever. Yes, I know this. But knowing now that I didn't know for a long time, I can understand that his reaction was much like a mother bear and her cubs. He saw my brother and I being taken away, and well, he lashed out because he didn't want that to happen. My father was a smart man, oh did he have a brain. But in one rash moment, he pulled that shotgun out of that suitcase and locked in the fact that he wasn't going to be a part of my life and my brother's life forever. But he paid for what he did, he accepted the jail time and he served his time. He knew he did wrong, and well, he paid his time. Like I said, I will defend my father until my death. I wish I had known him the way that I am always told stories of him.


I know, I know, this isn't like me. I don't normally whine about all of this and let myself be angry. But, I'm allowing myself to. I am taking my own advice. I think it all spun off of a friend's status. I had made it through their birthdays and was okay. Thought I would be relatively fine in general. Then a friend of mine said that she heard Free Bird and it made her think of her brother that passed away. I know that in her status, she didn't mean to send anyone into this kind of tizzy but it did. I sang those words to myself last night after I read that:

I'm as free as a bird now

And this bird you cannot change

Lord knows I cannot change

And I just became so lonely for my mother. So I began crying and Zac was texting me and I was overwhelmed by the situation. Overwhelmed because I don't let myself feel these things, I save them all for a rainy day. I guess yesterday was my rainy day. And then I just unloaded on Zac, and though I feel bad for just forcing all that on him, I don't regret it one moment. See, Zac sees me as a certain person, and though I feel that last night's conversation may have changed his point of view on me a bit, I know that he understands my mind a little bit better. And the moment that he confirmed my thoughts, that it wasn't okay. That none of this is 100% fair. That I'm allowed to be angry. That I am allowed. I am allowed to yell and scream about how unfair it all is because it isn't fair. I don't have to let it slide off my back because it. is. not. okay. And to have to make these decisions by myself, well it shouldn't have to be that way. And though I know, I am not alone, last night I felt a large feeling of being alone. 

See, I know there are people who would love for me to come to them to help me make decisions. It's not that I don't know that (and I know it is frustrating to them) but at the same time, its not that I don't trust them, but at the same time it is because I don't trust them. I'm sorry. For as much as I try, all my trust was broken when I dealt with Uncle Dave and Aunt Debbie. There is a lot of pain I went through in that house that no one  really understands and there are a lot of issues I deal with because of that. I am hard to trust (which may seem weird to some people because of quick relationships popping up) but I read people well enough to know what I can and cannot share with them. There are things that my family will never know about me, but some of my friends do know. There are things that some of my friends know that others don't. And I have enough trust in those few key people to know that it will stay that way. But once that trust is broken, as it is so often, it's gone. I know that's the same in relationships with me. I understand this. And there is nothing I can do to change that.

Life is not fair. I will say that a million times over. Why? Because I am 21 years old. I have only just begun to live my life and yet, I am struggling without the guidance that many my age have. I won't have my parents at those chapter ending and beginning moments in my life. I will have the family of friends that I have surrounded myself with (who I wouldn't be alive for if I didn't have around). Hell, I feel as if this poem that I wrote on October 3, 2009, is just as relevant now as it was back then:

I'm glad I have friends.

I'm glad I have friends because I would have given up a long time ago.

I'm tired of Hell. I'm tired of life.

But I remain because I love my friends.

I'm tired of fighting every moment of my life.

I'm tired of the bad.

But I'm glad I have friends. They make it all worthwhile.

And while I have this crazy, huge family; I don't feel the love towards them that I have for my friends. See, when the going gets tough, I don't think of my family...I think of my friends. I think of those of them who have been there. I know, I keep bashing the fam, but maybe they'll step up a little more and pay attention and judge a little less because of this. Yes, I am angry with you all, and I have a love for my friends that I should have for my family. I'm not going to apologize for saying it, because it's my feelings. My friends have supported me through a hell of a lot more than you ever had. The only reason I didn't really kill myself on December 27, 2004 was because of the fact that I called my best friend and promised him I wouldn't do it. We are now not very good friends at all, but that promise will always hold true. When I get down, when I get angry, when I think about doing things rashly, I think of my friends first and the pain that loss would put them through. I know the pain of loss, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

So I guess I am writing all this to say that yes I get angry, and yes I am still grieving the loss of my parents and so many other losses (including the loss of Sam) which still effects me to. this. very. day. And these are all thoughts that roll around in my head quite often, all these thoughts, and while other 21 year old's are worried about passing classes and what they are doing Friday night...I am worrying about this shit as well as all of that. And while I understand that is my life, I understand that it isn't fair. I also know that others have it worse than me, and I should be thankful, but we all have moments...and that fact that I spent the last 6 hours of my life crying instead of sleeping (and working) should  mean that this all means something. Maybe not to you, maybe you are angry with me (for that I no longer care) but at least you know. At least you have an idea of what I think about life and our relationship. Maybe you'll try to fix. Most likely, you'll ignore it like you do most of the time. And you know who you are that I am talking to. Times, they are a changing, and it's time you catch on to that fact. It's better to have it out there then to never know what is on my mind. How does that taste?

And for those of you lucky many, go give your parents a fucking hug. Tell them how much you appreciate them. Patch up your relationship if it's rocky. Give them a call. At least you can. 

How can you say that your truth is better than ours? Shoulder to shoulder, now brother, we carry no arms. The blind man sleeps in the doorway, his home. If only I had an enemy bigger than my apathy I could have won. But I gave you all. I close my eyes for a while and for from the world a patient smile. But I gave you all. And you rip is from my hands and you swear it's all gone. And you rip out all I have just so say that you've won. Well now you've won." -I Gave You All: Mumford & Sons

Oh Life...

Today...today is just one of those days when I am just feeling everything. I am putting it off as being utterly tired...which I am since I have worked a million shifts (and am right now) in the past 2 days and have had very little sleep.

But I'm feeling everything. Music is hitting me hard. It's giving me things to think about, emotions I don't let myself feel very often. I can't say I am depressed (though I had one of those days majorly on Wednesday) but I think it's more of me putting my heart on my sleeve.

I keep thinking about the past today. I keep thinking of my mother. Tomorrow is her birthday, she would have been 55 years old. I keep thinking if I am making her proud. If I am making the right decisions in my life. I keep second guessing myself. I'm not a fan of second guessing myself. But I think of her, and how wonderful she was and strong, and wonder if I am half the woman she was. I just want to make her proud with everything I do.

But I worry. I worry that I making the wrong choices in my life. And I can't help but really think of her at this time of the month. As I told several people, February is probably the 2nd worst month of the year for me after December. Why? Because both of my parent's birthday's are in this month...in the same week actually. My mother would have been 55 tomorrow. My father would have been 64 on Wednesday. I know, I joke sometimes because my father was born on leap day...so really he would be 16 years old on Wednesday, but it still doesn't stop the ache in my heart.

I don't think that many understand how that ache could be there for him. Yes, my father made some pretty horrible choices in his life, and ended up in prison when I was a very young child. But my father was smart. He had a brain that could do many things...and he wasted it. I say that he wasted it because the father I knew was the one who sat at home all day and did nothing. He was lazy. But he was smart and he loved me and my brother. He really did. And I think the moment that he made the decision that changed the rest of our lives forever, he was afraid of losing us. I remember him asking for us, he didn't want to take the chance of my brother and I being taken from his life, so he acted rashly.

The ache that I have is because I didn't really know my father well enough. I never got to really get to know him, and when I had the chance, I didn't have the attitude where I understood what he did. I thought at the time I went to see him in Florida that he had wanted to ruin our lives. I was angry for what he did.

Hindsight is always 20/20...so they say.

This week of the year always hurts for me because of the fact that I don't have either of them. I have this reminder that if they were alive, we would probably go out to dinner. We would probably share a few drinks now that I was 21. We would probably catch up on life. We would probably have a grand ole time. I'm sure mom would probably go out to Ponderosa and get her double order of sirloin tips.

But instead, I just get to wish them happy birthday in my own small way, speaking to them, and wish they were here.

Memories, memories are interesting things. I think the reason I love the human mind so much is because it confuses me in so many ways. The brain is an enigma. How can one have something in the past come up so easily, and you feel everything you felt in that moment? I will always have those memories, as scars on my heart. And there will be times when they come popping back up. My dreams have been especially vivid lately, and last night I dreamed of a relationship gone. And when I awoke in tears, I remembered that yes, Sam is dead...but I have Kevin and I am so happy to have him.

I feel so vulnerable to the world today. And I am remembering so many things, and how I felt when those moments happened. It's been interesting. As I sit here at the front desk, I attempt to keep myself together. Tell myself it was the past. That I need to let it go.

But how do you let go of something that was so important to you at one point? I can forget my parents, I can't forget Sam. I can't let that cease to be a part of me. I carry them in my heart. Their memories, the feeling of their hugs, the sound of their laughter, the look of their smiles; they are there to stay. I just need to find newer and happier memories to keep me occupied for awhile. And I need to stop holding it all in all the time.

I guess I'm so afraid of being a burden on others. I don't want to bring them down. I'm a people pleaser. So, I keep all these emotions in, put on my smile, make it seem like everything is going to be alright. Yes, I have a control over my life now that I didn't have before but I don't have all the answers. I'm still blundering at times. All the time actually. But, I need to let some of it out. I know that I have Kevin and he would do anything for me and he gets frustrated because I don't let him in. But it's hard for me. I've been alone and doing all this by myself for so long. It's all become a habit.

It's not saying that I'm not trying. Oh, I try so hard. But I second guess myself. One thing that got ingrained at Uncle Dave and Aunt Debbie's was to formulate what I said carefully. I had to say it in a way so that I didn't get yelled at, or a look. So I would second guess myself. Then I would think about how to phrase it and beat myself up. Finally, about 80% of the time, I never asked. Why? Because I was afraid of them. I didn't want them to think I was weak. So I turned down offers, I told people I was busy, and I never asked.

And today, I do the same thing. I still filter what I say. I keep the serious stuff in my head. I don't lay it out there for those who I know care enough to listen to it. That was always something I did with my mother. We had those serious conversations all the time. And I miss that. She was the only person I was never really guarded with.

Just another thing for me to work on.

All-in-all, I'm being emotional Amelia who's just trying to figure out this crazy world.

Music:
1. Here Without You- 3 Doors Down
2. Ballad of Mona Lisa- Panic! at the Disco
3. The Fighter- The Fray
4. Us Against the World- Coldplay
5. Little Lion Man- Mumford & Sons
6. Monsoon- Tokio Hotel
7. Where We Belong- Thriving Ivory

Thoughts and Updates

"People throw rocks at things that shine,"


I saw this quote today, and it sparked an interest in me. You see these shining souls, these beautiful people who give you hope for the world. Then you hear things about these people, you hear about struggles, things that others have done to them, and it makes you sad.

Our world is a jealous place. When someone is jealous of another, of how strong they are, of how lucky they are, of how beautiful they are; they will try to bring them down. They will throw "rocks" no matter if it is in a literal or general sense. They may start rumors. They may deceive these people. They may work hard to make their lives a living Hell.

But it's those people who at least attempt to dodge the rocks. Those who don't let those who want to bring them down, conquer them, who are the beautiful ones. Stones go through lots of trials. They are dropped, rolled, run over, hit, washed away...but in the end they become beautiful and smooth. All those imperfections and pains are taken away and they become beautiful.

No matter what kind of trials may come your way, things that people say to belittle you, things that others do that make you momentarily unhappy; remember that it doesn't last. I am also a big believer in karma, and I believe that in the end, they will get what they give. Which means, in the end, they will not be rewarded for trying to make your life harder. Just hang in there one more day.

Let yourself shine. Be beautiful. Live you life. Don't let anything hold you back!

Updates!


So I know I haven't really written about my life as of late on here...sorry for that. Life has been school, work, trying to find time to spend with Kevin and seeing my friends on the side...with very little sleep. It has been interesting. On Valentine's Day, Kevin delivered flowers and chocolates while I was at work (such a charmer) and took me out to dinner and to see The Vow. I tried to not be that girlfriend who made him see a chick flick, but he insisted. Three days later we celebrated our 2 months of being together, he makes me so happy.

This past weekend I went to Grand Rapids to see my friend Katrina. My friends Zac, Hoffa and Jessica joined me for the epicness and it was quite fun. It was a weekend full of much walking (I'm still recovering), lots of laughter (my ribs hurt so bad!) and so much fun. It even included an acapella version of Bohemian Rhapsody at 2 am...with harmonies. We are awesome.

Other than that, I've been trying to stay healthy (colds have come and go quite often) and tried to keep myself from going crazy basically. I am in the A/B range in all my classes still (WOO!) so I'm happy about that and I am enjoying this schedule for the most part this semester. Life is good. Spring Break is next week. I need a breather!

Music
1. Stereo Hearts- Adam Levin with Gym Class Heroes
2. Cinema- Benni Benassi (Skrillex remix)
3. Numb- Linkin Park
4. Forever My Father- Go Radio
5. Munich- The Fray
6. My Name is Skrillex- Skrillex
7. Solas Ane- Samuel Hazo
8. If Today Was Your Last Day- Nickleback

The Power of Music

I think a lot of people discount the power that music can have over an individual. Music is a curious thing. For those who take the time to listen to it, get lost in it, read into the lyrics, live it; they find their lives are expanded in new ways. The arts, of all kinds, are amazing things. They help get out emotions that sometimes words can't describe, even in normal ways. Music is an art.


For me, music is my art of choice. Yes, I can draw, but I don't see myself as an artist. I don't think I am accomplished when it comes to the use of a pencil to draw, or paints to paint. Music is something that I can do and it is something I have done for many years now.


When my mother was sick and we were dealing with a lot at home, she bought me a clarinet. I wanted to be in the school band, I wanted to play an instrument, and she supported that. She did everything she could to get me my instrument and by the time I was in middle school, it was my instrument. I loved it. Me and the clarinet were best of friends.


My clarinet has, over the years, seen many tears, shaken in my hands when I was angry and dealt with lots of my pain, both physical and emotional. My clarinet was my outlet to get out all the feelings I was dealing with. I would spend hours playing my clarinet, trying new things, putting all my emotion out through that instrument. Some people meditate to calm down, I played my clarinet. To me, at the end of each practice session, I was 100% calmer and more clear-headed. I learned when I lived with Uncle Dave and Aunt Deb that they would leave me alone when I was playing my instrument, so that's what I did...a lot.


So it seemed natural when I went to college that I wanted to pursue music. But after my jaw surgery, I had to wait a semester to pick up the clarinet. And I was excited to do it. But as my second semester waned down, life was getting hectic and I was forced to play the clarinet....I started to hate it. And I put it down for awhile, changed my major and quit. After the loss of Sam, I couldn't keep it down. At the end of summer 2009, I picked it up again, started in the band at UM and learned the joy again.


But it just wasn't instrumental music that got me through everything. Instrumental music was "instrumental" in my love for all music in general. My mother always had a love for music. For my childhood, we would sing in the car. These moments were some of my most favorite, just mom and me, singing at the top of our lungs, in the car driving down the road.


But over the years, there are songs that have changed my life. It may seem weird to some that a song can change a life, but it really can. When musicians write a song, they have reasons, and those songs can strike a chord in the many fans that they have. They can keep someone going for one more day. They can give life. I think that the enjoyment and the emotion someone feels by a song may be perfectly selfish, but if it inspires you, be selfish.

Never Too Late: I remember when I found this song. I actually saw this video first. I was in a dark place in high school, I was depressed, but I hid it well. And this song played to my dark soul at the time. When I found this video, it was the summer and I was home alone. I couldn't go anywhere because I felt like I was a prisoner. This song, when I heard it, gave me the hope to keep going, that I would eventually escape from what was holding me back. I watched it on repeat on our Video On Demand a lot that day.

The Crow and the Butterfly: Oh this song. This song. The memories. When Shinedown released this album, it was spring 2009. I was once again in a dark place. I lost a lot of friends. But then I was in love and Sam, well Sam loved Shinedown. So we spent a lot of time listening to this album and all the others. One moment I will always remember, we were together, and he put his hand on my heart and said, "I am the crow, and you are the butterfly. I will always chase you as long as I need to." We considered this our song and loved it. But as tragic as it is, our love story was much the same. For months after his death, I would listen to this song and believe he was the "butterfly." I now come to believe that he was right and that in the end, I found the real person I was supposed to be with. My next tattoo will be using this song as symbolism. Summer 2009 was one of the best but also one of the worst summers of my life. Life changing. That is really what it was.

How to Save a Life: When this album came out, I didn't know who the heck The Fray was. But then I got the CD from my friend Emily for Christmas and I was in love. I listened to it to no end. And this song, well it kept me going in high school. The whole CD did really. It's funny how certain artists wiggle their way in there and you'll always love their music. Their albums, every single one of them, has been so legitimate to my life. The first one, songs about escape, came out when I was trying to leave home. "The Fray," came out when I was depressed, in early 2009 and they were songs I listened to when I was alone in my room. And now, "Scars and Stories" that came out on Tuesday has a lot of songs about love and being in love and people being there...well it just explains my life. I love the power of music!

The Dance: This song always makes me think of my mother and the strength that she has given me, even if she never knew. This song is about living life, being in love, dealing with loss. This song is me. "I could've missed the pain, but I'd've had to miss the dance."

Open Up Your Eyes: There are very few that will ever know the symbolism behind this song for me. All I can really say is it came out July 14th, 2009. Sam bought me the CD and this song was playing at a very important and wonderful moment in that summer several days later. For those who know, be lucky you know. And for those who don't know, just know that that moment changed my life, began it in essence, and it is a moment I won't forget. Ever.

Viva La Vida: Viva la vida means "long live life" in Spanish. This song reminds me of senior summer. The summer after I graduated when the world was at my fingertips and life was crazy. I was free from life really throwing hard blows. I remember I got my license that summer, and I was told I couldn't listen to music when I was driving. Did I listen? No, of course not. I had a CD that started with this song and I would get a mile from home, put it in, turn it up and jam. I remember this song as the soundtrack of that summer for me. And I remember how free the whole CD made me feel. Coldplay will always have a special place in my heart for making me feel free, no matter what I am dealing with. When I wasn't letting myself be depressed about things and listening to music that got me there, I would listen to Coldplay. They would lighten my mood and give me hope. This song always brings a smile to my face. Always.




Music is important. It is something I will instill in my children when I have them. I will show them the love, the beauty and the meaning of what is music. Music saved me. Music kept me going. Music was the biggest gift I have ever and will ever be given.


Oh...and my music this morning, since I don't feel the need to list them, I'll leave you videos so YOU can listen. It's all the new album by the Fray, bear with me haha:

Heartbeat- The Fray

The Fighter

Turn Me On

Run For Your Life

The Wind

1961

I Can Barely Say

Munich

Here We Are

48 to Go

Rainy Zurich and:

Be Still

A Rant About Being Human

One of the most frustrating things about being human is how confusing we can all be. How one person is totally different than the other in what they like, feel, how they act...all of it. And because of these differences we are so apt to judge someone so very fast.


It's true, we don't take the time to get to know others before we make decisions on their character. We write people off long before we really get to know who they are, and it is really sad. Our inherent decision to judge someone by the way they look or what they say the first time we meet them makes our race, our being, so superficial.


I'm not saying that I don't do this. It's something that is inbred into all of us. Some do it more than others, but I know that in the past few years, I have done it less and less. Why? Because people are so interesting. It's those differences in others that are so much fun to learn about and meet. Enriching your life with the lives of others is a gift that many have yet to receive, but when you realize its potential and how awesome it is, well, you'll never be the same again.


I think one of the reasons we judge so easy is because we want to protect ourselves. I know how that is. I have be judged by others all my life. I have been written off as "the fat girl," "oh, she doesn't have money so she can't wear cool clothes so she's not worth our time," "She's just weird," "she's just a geek." All of them. And I'm not going to sit here and say that I am not any of these people. Yes, I am overweight. Yes, I grew up in a household where my mother was barely hanging on at times. Yes, I have some quirks. And yes, I am a geek, but you know what, I am proud of that.


But I hated it when people thought things about me. I hated it when people judged me. Heck, to this day I still try to please everyone as much as possible. But why? All this extra energy I put into making everything wonderful can get exhausting. There are few people, who I consider myself closest to, that I don't try to please, because they love me for being me and I can be me when I am with them. These are the people who no longer judge me.


It is hard to stop judging and to sit and learn. Over the past few years, I have found that meeting someone for the first time, I like to get to know a little about them before I decide anything. I like to learn what they like, what they hate, what makes them tick. People are fascinating. I can't say that enough. 


Behind my smile is a complicated being. For those who really know me, well they totally understand what I mean by that. Yes, I have a relatively optimistic attitude. I am a big smiler. I like to make someone else's day by just sharing a smile, a laugh, a moment; I feed off of it. But I wasn't always the "happy" person that I portray with my smile. Heck, I still have days now where I put the smile on because I don't want to bring people down to the levels that my brain puts me through all the time. I always say this, but I have not had an easy life. True facts. And in each part of my life so far, I have been dealing with problems that are far more complicated than most of those my age.


And this made me misunderstood. I had no control over my life at home, the things that were happening and I couldn't do anything about it. So I put a smile on, put it aside for the time being when I was away, and just kept going. I learned early not to dwell on it all. If I dwelt on it, I would destroy myself, and I didn't like feeling the negative emotions that thought left me.


But in the end, I learned that some thought was needed. I remember the day after my mother's funeral, I returned to school with a relative okay disposition. Not because the day before was one of the worst and more traumatic (what 14 year old wants to say goodbye to their mother forever?) but because I knew what I had to do. I had to do well in school, graduate, move on in life. My mother was gone, there was nothing I could do about it. I was put in a house I felt unwelcome in. There was nothing I could do about it at the time. My life felt like it was falling apart with no end around me, but I could change things, as long as I didn't cave.


So I was misunderstood. People didn't know what was going on at home. They didn't know the pain, the emotions, the hardships I was dealing with basically by myself. So many of them saw me as the mask I portrayed. So they wrote me off, made verbal abuses that did hurt at times, spread rumors, made my life at school, which was something I could control, harder. But, like everything else I've ever done in my life, I finished.


And now, years later, there are some who have come forward with apologies. They realized how wrong they were about me. They heard the truths, the hardships that as a teenager I shouldn't have had to deal with, and they apologized. I could have been bitter. I could have not accepted the apologies. But, I also realize that as teenagers, we don't get to know people like we should. As we grow, many of us will mature into wonderful people of our society, and we find the error in our ways. I forgive because I also know they aren't the same person they were 4 years ago.


And some of these people are now some very good friends.


And for the rest. They will probably never see the error of their ways. I don't expect to ever hear an apology from the lips of many of them. But, I am okay with that. "How small are we mortals who walk the Earth throwing stones at one another." There will always be people throwing stones. It's those who no longer let the stones do more than hurt for a second that are the strongest. Those who will throw the stones will always be bullies and not people you want to associate with.


So I have a challenge for you. Meet someone new today, introduce yourself to someone you never thought you would. Have a seat, ask them about themselves. Us humans love talking about ourselves. Learn something from them. Learn who they are, what made them who they are. People are interesting you just have to take the time to learn about them. You may learn something about yourself, and meet someone that will become a better friend than you'll ever imagine.


I've never regretted it.


Music
1. The Girl- City and Colour
2. Sex on Fire- Kings of Leon
3. Syndicate- The Fray
4. The Lightning Strike- Snow Patrol
5. Blindsided- Bon Iver
6. Bird Stealing Bread- Iron & Wine
7. Detlef Schrempf- Band of Horses
8. Waiting...- City and Colour
9. No Sunlight- Death Cab for Cutie
10. We Build Then We Break- The Fray


P.S. The Fray's new album came out today. I am so getting it after class. *le geekout*

I am an Unconquerable Soul

Things aren't perfect.


Life isn't perfect.

This I can tell you is true.


But in the morning when you wake, are you thankful?


Do you realize that you have been given a gift everyday?


You're alive.


Live.


Go make memories and do things you'll be proud of.


Don't let the shit keep you down.


Realize how lucky you are.


No matter what.


I am an unconquerable soul.


A incurable optimist.


And that will never change.


Let the sun into your life and keep it there.


You won't ever regret that decision.


And be spontaneous today.

Do something you wouldn't normally do.


Drive a different way home.


Find some adventure.

Stop waiting.

Tell those you love that you love them.


And don't regret the past because its the past.


You can't change that.


And live.


And I mean truly live.


Music:
1. Who You'd Be Today- Kenny Chesney
2. Awake My Soul- Mumford & Sons
3. Iris- Boyce Avenue